Slender

Slender

Starring Joel Petrie, Dan Schovaers, Jyllian Petrie, Ryan Templeman

Directed by Joel Petrie

The Story:
Joel (Joel Petrie) and his friend Dan (Dan Schovaers) want to do a documentary, but don't know what they want to do it about.  While on a train, Dan overhears the wild rantings of Mili (Mili Parks), who talks about a strange tall faceless man who stole her sons five years ago.  They decide to investigate the disappearance, along with Joel's sister Jyllian (Jyllian Petrie) and Ryan (Ran Templeman).  The four friends learn of a strange being that seemingly has existed since the creation of time that abducts anyone who believes in it, and they're starting to believe.

The Synopsis:
The idea of the Slenderman really hit its zenith on the Internet in 2008, with several stories and video games that scared the living daylights out of anyone who read or played it.  The concept centered around a faceless, tall, slender being with long arms dressed in a suit and tie who would abduct children or anyone really who believed in it.  This creepypasta was wildly popular about ten years ago, and even spawned a real-life tragedy when two girls tried to sacrifice their friend to the make-believe creature.

So having a found footage film in 2016 about the titular villain wasn't the best idea to begin with, and the film only expounded on that sandy foundation to create something absolutely absurd, a film that's completely hollow, and devoid of actual fear.

The film follows wannabe documentary filmmakers Joel and Dan as they try to find a topic to do a documentary about.  Dan hears the ramblings of Mili on a bus, as she talks about how a strange being abducted her two children five years ago, and they decide to make a documentary on that - at least, that's what the plan was, I suppose.  We don't really fully understand the purpose, but it easily falls off the rails and spirals into a totally nonsensical film with highly questionable motives and a drawn-out narrative devoid of any substance.

The film uses the idea of non-linear storytelling in the worst way possible.  The film jumps from modern time to five years earlier, to a year later in ways that don't make sense and don't add to the narrative in any substantial way.  Then the whole film goes dark when Joel decides to spend a year - a whole freaking year - preparing to scare Mili by having their friend Ryan dress as Slenderman and scare her at her kids' school.  The purpose behind this isn't really explained, and it's downright unfathomable.  Even Dan and Joel's sister Jyllian are against the idea, but constantly go back to it.  How Joel would think it'd be a good idea to scare a mother whose two young sons went missing boggles my mind, and serves as the most hollow way to make a movie in the first place.

All of this could be forgiven if the film was the least bit scary, but not even that's the case.  The majority of the film centers on them first trying to find an idea, and then thinly telling a story that somehow, someway, ties to it, and then ends with twenty minutes of them running through an abandoned elementary school as they begin disappearing one-by-one.  The only positive thing about the film is the performances, if you would even call them that.  They didn't seem to have any script, but just said whatever came to their minds.  Seemed believable, if only due to the fact that they didn't seem to have a script to follow in the first place.

The Summary:
The concept of Slenderman was popular about ten years ago, and a film like "Slender" might've been better if it was done then - actually, no it wouldn't, because there was absolutely nothing scary or frightening about this lame-brained, hollow piece of trash.

The Score: D-