JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Worst2First:  My Top Ten Christmas Horror Films My two favorite holidays are Christmas and Halloween, so when films are able to combine the two in unique, imaginative ways, I'm all for it.  From the truly terrifying to the truly hilarious, from surprisingly great family-friendly films to international movies, here are my personal top ten Christmas Halloween films, worst2first... **THERE WILL BE NO SPOILERS** #10  Jack Frost After a killer dies, he's brought back to life as a snowman, and sets out to get revenge against the sheriff who put him in jail.  The premise itself is outlandish, but what follows is a hilarious set of hi-jinks that's perfect for the 90s B-rated horror fan, filled with humorous puns and off-the-wall kills that prove the film doesn't take itself seriously, and therefore we shouldn't either.  That doesn't mean it's not enjoyable, it's a fun little romp for the Christmas horror fan in us all. #9

Zombie Night Starring Anthony Michael Hall, Daryl Hannah, Jennifer Taylor, Alan Ruck Directed by John Gulager The Story: On an ordinary night, the dead come back to life to feast on the living.  Patrick (Anthony Michael Hall) and his daughter Tracie (Rachel G. Fox) attempt to make it back home to Patrick's wife Birdy (Daryl Hannah) and her blind mother Nana (Shirley Jones) before the zombies get there. Meanwhile, neighboring family Karin (Jennifer Taylor) and Joseph (Alan Ruck) fortify themselves in their home, which is equipped with surveillance cameras and a panic room, where they try to keep their own family safe.  If they could survive morning, the zombies will die out and they'll live to see another day. The Pros: The zombies look well-done for a small horror film, and since it falls under the banner of one of the most terrible distributors ever (The Asylum), that's saying something. The film boasts a surprisingly well-known cast, some of whom aren

YellowBrickRoad Starring Michael Laurino, Anessa Ramsey, Laura Heisler, Clark Freeman Directed by Jesse Holland and Andy Mitton The Story: In 1940 in the small town of Friar, New Hampshire, the entire population mysteriously walked into the woods and were never heard from again.  This has intrigued writer Teddy Barnes (Michael Laurino) who, along with his wife Melissa (Anessa Ramsey) and friend Walter (Alex Draper), decide to investigate for themselves the mystery and write a book about it.  They bring on a crew, including local townie Liv (Laura Heisler), and together they enter the mysterious woods in hopes of finding out what happened.  What they find is worse than they could've imagined. The Synopsis: I've always been intrigued about mysterious disappearances, such as the mystery surrounding the Roanoke colony in 1587, and the Dylatov Pass mystery in Russia, where nine hikers mysteriously died from shocking causes.  "YellowBrickRoad" begins with a

Willow Creek Starring Alexie Gilmore, Bryce Johnson, Laura Montagna, Bucky Sinister Directed by Bobcat Goldthwait The Story: Young couple Kelly (Alexie Gilmore) and Jim (Bryce Johnson) travel to Willow Creek, California, where the famed Patterson-Gimlin filming of Bigfoot took place.  Jim is an avid believer who wishes to capture Bigfoot on camera, while Kelly is highly skeptical.  After spending the day in the town and interviewing the locals, they set out to the forest where the film was taken in hopes of finding the elusive beast.  What they find is much more than they could possibly imagine. The Synopsis: Ever since "The Blair Witch Project" came out, filmmakers made it their priority to make the next big found footage film, to varying success.  While most end up complete disasters, some tend to somewhat re-create the magic, but none can even compare.  "Willow Creek," directed by comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, nearly achieves that same level of succ

The Hate U Give Starring Amandla Stenberg, Regina Hall, Russell Hornsby, Algee Smith Directed by George Tillman Jr. The Story: Starr Carter (Amandla Stenberg) is trapped in two different worlds: she lives in Garden Heights - the mostly minority community known for violence - but goes to school in preppy Williamson, where she's only one of a few minorities.  She balances her two Starr personas - maintaining a white-person style at Williamson and letting loose in Garden Heights - with not a lot of problems.  Then at a party, she runs into her childhood friend Khalil (Algee Smith), and after leaving the party he's pulled over.  After he reaches for a hairbrush, the cop mistakes it for a gun and shoots him dead in front of Starr. Traumatized, Starr struggles with coming forward, because she fears that it will not just shatter the image she made for herself at school, but will also draw the unwanted attention of local drug dealer King (Anthony Mackie), whom Khalil wa

The Vatican Tapes Starring Olivia Taylor Dudley, Michael Pena, Dougray Scott, John Patrick Amedori Directed by Mark Neveldine The Story: Angela (Olivia Taylor Dudley) just turned twenty-five, and is celebrating with her boyfriend Pete (John Patrick Amedori) and father Roger (Dougray Scott), when she accidentally cuts her finger.  She gets an infection after a raven assaults her, and she ends up in a coma for forty days, where she's watched over by her father, boyfriend, and Father Lozano (Michael Pena). She finally comes to, and begins exhibiting typical demonic possession traits, including speaking in Aramaic, forcing people to commit suicide, and speaking things that no one should know.  Father Lozano turns to the Vatican, and Cardinal Mattias Bruun (Peter Andersson) arrives to perform an exorcism on Angela, but soon discovers that it's no ordinary demon in her - but possibly the antichrist itself. The Synopsis: Ever since "The Exorcist" terrorized

Uninhabited Starring Geraldine Hakewill, Henry James, Terry Siourounis, Tasia Zalar Directed by Bill Bennett The Story: Young couple Beth (Geraldine Hakewill) and Harry (Henry James) decide to spend ten days on a romantic getaway to a deserted island.   At first they're enjoying their time together, but soon things begin happening to suggest that the island isn't as uninhabited as they were led to believe, and the young couple find themselves in danger of an island spirit as well as more tangible threats. The Synopsis: Movies that focus on only one or two characters have an uphill battle from the start.  Even if the film is less than an hour and a half, that's still 90 minutes of watching a minimal amount of characters on screen and actually caring about them.  Great actors, like Tom Hanks, managed to do this with ease in films like "Cast Away," but for every "Cast Away" there's an "Uninhabited," a small, low-budget horror f

Worst2First:  My Top Ten Horror Comedy Films It's a rare thing to blend horror and comedy in a way that both come out fantastic, and while there's more horror films that are unintentionally funny, others were supposed to be funny and also turned out to be rather scary. Here are my personal top ten horror comedy films, worst2first... **THERE WILL BE NO SPOILERS** #10  Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse When zombies take over the world, it's up to three gutsy Boy Scouts to save it.  Tye Sheridan, Logan Miller, and Joey Morgan star as three Boy Scouts who set out to save their town and those they love from becoming zombies, and maybe earning some merit badges along the way.  There's several laugh-out-loud moments, and the film is filled with excitement, humor, and even some heart. #9  The Final Girls  Everyone knows that in pretty much every horror movie there's the "final girl" - the girl who survives until the

Peppermint Starring Jennifer Garner, John Gallagher Jr., John Ortiz, Juan Pablo Raba Directed by Pierre Morel The Story: Middle-class suburban mother Riley North (Jennifer Garner) is enjoying life with her loving husband Chris (Jeff Hephner) and ten-year-old daughter Carly (Cailey Fleming), and they decide to go to the winter carnival for Carly's birthday.  There, three gang members gun down the family in cold blood, and only Riley survives. She quickly identifies the three men, but they belong to a gang led by the notorious Diego Garcia (Juan Pablo Raba), and he has his hooks everywhere - including the judicial system and police force.  The three men get off, and Riley disappears, much to the dismay of detectives Carmichael (John Gallagher, Jr.) and Beltran (John Ortiz). Five years later, on the anniversary of their murders, Riley returns to Los Angeles to get her revenge against Garcia and all the corrupt officials and policemen who covered up the crime.  While

Halloween Starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Judy Greer, Andi Matichak, Will Patton Directed by David Gordon Green The Story: Forty years after he murdered five people, Michael Myers (Nick Castle) has been incarcerated at the Smith's Grove Sanitarium, where he's remained mute the entire time.  Two podcasters want to do a story on the murders, and bring Michael's old mask to try to elicit a response, to no avail. Then they go to Haddonfield, where they interview Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis), the lone survivor of the massacre.  She's become reclusive, suffering two divorces, becoming estranged from her daughter Karen (Judy Greer) and granddaughter Allyson (Andi Matichak), and has basically spent her life preparing for Michael's eventual escape. When he's being transferred to another prison, the bus Michael's on crashes, and he escapes.  He makes his way back to Haddonfield to finish what he started forty years ago, but this time Laurie is ready.

The Thing on the Doorstep Starring David Bunce, Rob Dalton, Susan Cicarelli-Caputo, Mary Jane Hansen Directed by Tom Gliserman The Story: Lifelong friends Daniel (David Bunce) and Edward (Rob Dalton) have had their ups and downs, but now Edward has seemingly fallen in love with the mysterious Asenath Waite (Mary Jane Hansen), who's supposed to be a necromancer and witch.  After a surprise wedding, Edward starts acting stranger, to the dismay of Daniel and his wife Marion (Susan Cicarelli-Caputo).  Edward seems convinced Asenath is controlling his mind and taking over his body, but Daniel is unsure if this is actually true, or Edward is loosing his mind. The Synopsis: There's a quote that goes something like this: people won't appreciate your true genius until after you're dead.  For author H.P. Lovecraft, that quote rings true, as now he's celebrated as a genius horror writer who introduced the world to the evil god Cthulhu, and there's even relig

Slender Starring Joel Petrie, Dan Schovaers, Jyllian Petrie, Ryan Templeman Directed by Joel Petrie The Story: Joel (Joel Petrie) and his friend Dan (Dan Schovaers) want to do a documentary, but don't know what they want to do it about.  While on a train, Dan overhears the wild rantings of Mili (Mili Parks), who talks about a strange tall faceless man who stole her sons five years ago.  They decide to investigate the disappearance, along with Joel's sister Jyllian (Jyllian Petrie) and Ryan (Ran Templeman).  The four friends learn of a strange being that seemingly has existed since the creation of time that abducts anyone who believes in it, and they're starting to believe. The Synopsis: The idea of the Slenderman really hit its zenith on the Internet in 2008, with several stories and video games that scared the living daylights out of anyone who read or played it.  The concept centered around a faceless, tall, slender being with long arms dressed in a suit an

Red Canyon Starring Christine Lakin, Tim Draxl, Justin Hartley, Norman Reedus Directed by Giovanni Rodriguez The Story: Years after brother and sister Devon (Tim Draxl) and Regina (Christine Lakin) were kidnapped and tortured, they return to the small town to sell their recently deceased mother's house, along with their friends Terra (Katie Maguire), Tom (Justin Hartley), and Samir (Ankur Bhatt).  While Devon seems to have moved on, Regina is still haunted by memories of the event, and hopes to find some sort of closure. After arriving, they run afoul of local bad boy Mac (Norman Reedus) and his gang, who seemingly have something to do with the torture the family endured years earlier.  Under attack, Devon, Regina, and their friends find themselves in the fight for their lives, even as the past unfolds shocking events. The Synopsis: "Red Canyon" was released in 2008, but watching it now is really strange due to the fact that it stars two of television'