JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Blood Runs Cold Starring Hanna Oldeburg, Patrick Saxe, Andreas Rylander, Elin Hugoson Directed by Sonny Laguna Winona (Hanna Oldenburg) is a famous something-or-other, and her publicist sends her back home to relax, in a very cold, dark, creepy house.  Bored within minutes, she heads to the bar where she reunites with her ex boyfriend Richard (Patrick Saxe) and his friends (Andreas Rylander, Elin Hugoson).  Together they head back to Winona's place, where they're stalked by a killer of some sort.  This film was made with only $5,000, and you can clearly tell.  The gore is surprisingly effective, but the plot is so paper thin you could cut yourself on your finger with it.  We never know who the killer is, or even what he is (he gets attacked by several weapons a'la Jason Voorhees but doesn't die).  Either he's a zombie (he's seen eating entrails), a Jason-like ethereal being, or a human with a heck of a lot of body armor.  No one knows, and no one

Bad Grandpa Starring Johnny Knoxville, Jackson Nicoll, Georgina Cates, Spike Jonze Directed by Jeff Tremaine 86 year old Irving Zisman (Johnny Knoxville) is taking his eight year old grandson Billy (Jackson Nicoll) on a cross country trip to hand him off to Billy's father, as his mother was just sentenced to jail.  Along the way, the two cause mischief and mayhem in small and big towns alike, resulting in hilarious consequences to those unsuspecting viewers who don't know they're being secretly videotaped. Johnny Knoxville, best known for his "Jackass" television and movie series, delivers the first film that actually features a somewhat coherent storyline with "Bad Grandpa," as he changes from a middle-aged man to an ornery old man and pulls pranks on unsuspecting victims.  The laughs abound in droves as not just me, but everyone in the theater, found themselves almost rolling in the aisles from laughing too hard.  There's three thi

Carrie Starring Chloe Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore, Gabriella Wilde, Portia Doubleday Directed by Kimberly Peirce Young Carrie White (Chloe Grace Moretz) is a very secluded, isolated, and plain girl.  She's kept isolated by her overly religious mother Margaret (Julianne Moore) and kept from the knowledge of average everyday life, including the moment when a girl becomes a woman, which results in her being horribly tortured and made fun of by the other girls after gym class one day, especially from Chris (Portia Doubleday). Chris's best friend, Sue (Gabriella Wilde) and her boyfriend Tommy (Ansel Elgort), along with gym teacher Ms. Desjardin (Judy Greer) feel bad for what happened to Carrie, and Sue even offers Billy to take Carrie to their senior prom.  Meanwhile, Carrie is beginning to harness a special power of telekinesis after the event.  At first she fears it, but she begins to learn and control it, much to Margaret's horror. Carrie agrees to go to the

Nothing Left to Fear Starring Rebekah Brandes, Ethan Peck, Anne Heche, Clancy Brown Directed by Anthony Leonardi III In the small town of Stull, Kansas, the church has hired a new pastor.  Dan (James Tupper), his wife Wendy (Anne Heche), their two daughters Mary (Jennifer Stone) and Rebecca (Rebekah Brandes) and young son Christopher (Carter Cabassa) feel God's calling to this small town, six states away, and Dan accepts the position as the new pastor. The old pastor, Kingsman (Clancy Brown) and the townspeople welcome the family with nauseatingly bad open arms, a welcome that, if any normal person was greeted with, would've planned on packing up and leaving as soon as they arrived. Instead the family settles in, and Rebecca falls for the mysterious Noah (Ethan Peck - who is unfortunately the grandson of the great actor Gregory Peck), who acts about as wooden as a cardboard cutout.  He's mysterious, we get it.  No one cares. Soon the town's - siniste

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows Starring Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Noomi Rapace, Jared Harris Directed by Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) and his partner Watson (Jude Law) are back, this time they're up against Holmes' greatest foe, Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris), who plans on bringing about a world war by manipulating the worlds' governments.  With the help of gypsy Simza (Noomi Rapace), whose brother has joined Moriarty's cause, Holmes and Watson travel to Paris and Switzerland to stop Moriarty's evil plan. Once again directed by Guy Ritchie, "A Game of Shadows" re-unites Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law, and their chemistry is none the less powerful.  They play off each other in a brilliant way that transcends the film and really draws you into what is happening, while along the way bringing about the dry wit both are well known for.  The full introduction of Moriarty also adds to the Sherlock Holmes mythos, brillian

Dark Shadows Starring Johnny Depp, Eva Green, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter Directed by Tim Burton In 1760, the Collins family sets up a fishing port in Maine, becoming the most wealthy and well-known family of the area, even having the town named after them.  Their maid Angelique (Eva Green) falls for Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), but he only has eyes for Josette (Bella Heathcote).  Burned by his rejection, Angelique, who is also a witch, enchants Josette to walk off a cliff to her death.  Barnabas follows after her, but doesn't die because Angelique turns him into an immortal vampire, so he could never die and spend the rest of eternity pining over his lost love.  She has the townspeople imprison him in a coffin. In 1972, construction workers accidentally uncover Barnabas's tomb, and he heads back to Collinsport and to his old mansion, which has fallen into disarray and inhabited by his descendants: Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), her brother Roger (J

Contagion Starring Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Jude Law Directed by Steven Soderbergh Arriving home from a business trip in Hong Kong, Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow) gets what at first appears to be a cold, but soon becomes something much more deadly.  Identifying herself as patient zero, the CDC sets out to find a cure for this new brand of virus, which is quickly spreading across the world and causing countless numbers of people to die. I really enjoy films like this, where you have to use science and reasoning to find a way to solve a global problem.  Steven Soderbergh brings together some of today's A-list celebrities to perform their own A-game in this highly tense and stylized thriller, which, if you're a germaphobe,  you'll probably hate.  "Contagion" shows how easy it is to pass a virus from one person to another, not just through coughing but in everything we touch on a daily basis that we don't even think about - doork

Documenting the Grey Man Starring Patrick Hussion, Kelly Coulter, Jillian Walzer, Wayne Capps Directed by Wayne Capps A group of wannabe film makers decide to investigate the legend of the Grey Man - a spirit who is seen in South Carolina whenever a storm is about to hit.  They travel to a manor where the family believes they're being haunted by the spirit, but the crew is really out to disprove the existence of ghosts by faking everything they do, including a fake psychic. After a lot of boring interviews, even more boring dialogue, and extremely boring back stories, we finally get to the boring action around forty minutes into the film (and for a film clocking in at 1 hour and 4 minutes, you can tell how much of this film is...to repeat the word...boring). The story makes no sense whatsoever, it's supposed to be a found footage film, but it's already masterfully edited (with music!), and the acting is worst at best.  Although the ending had some of the

Gravity Starring Sandra Bullock, George Clooney Directed by Alfonso Cuaron Bio-medical engineer Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) is on her first space shuttle mission and is accompanied by veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski (George Clooney).  While attempting to fix the Hubble Space Telescope, debris from a blown up Russian satellite compromises the mission and literally leaves Stone and Kowalski adrift in space without a ship.  What follows is a harrowing ordeal of survival and the endurance of the human spirit. Critically acclaimed director Alfonso Cuaron ("Y Tu Mama Tambien," "Children of Men") delivers what I feel is not only HIS best film, but Sandra Bullock's best film as well.  The visuals are downright dazzling, even in regular 2D.  I felt like I was in outer space with them and felt the hopelessness and sheer awesomeness of such an extravagant endeavor.  It's without a doubt the most visually profound experience I've ever seen in the

This is the End Starring James Franco, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill Directed by  Evan Goldberg & Seth Rogen Jay Baruchel arrives in Los Angeles to spend time with his old friend Seth Rogen, who takes him to a party being hosted by James Franco.  Jay doesn't like James or Seth's other friends and pouts during the party, when all hell literally breaks loose as the Rapture occurs, followed by the start of the Apocalypse, which results in a huge hole to hell opening in front of Franco's home, sucking in such stars as Michael Cera, Rihanna, Jason Segel and Mindy Kaling. Retreating back inside Franco's house, James, Jay, Seth, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson and Danny McBride try to survive not just the apocalypse, but each other, as their diva-like personalities begin to come out which result in hilarious hijinks.  If this was done by actors playing different people, it wouldn't have had the same effect.  However, having the actors play themselves

State of Emergency Starring Jay Hayden, Tori White, Scott Lilly, Kathryn Todd Norman Directed by Turner Clay An unexplained event has occurred in a small town, causing some people to mutate into ravenous cannibalistic mindless killers.  After witnessing the death of his girlfriend, Jim (Jay Hayden) bunkers down in an abandoned barn, until he hears word of other survivors being holed up in a warehouse.  He flees the barn and unites with married couple Scott (Scott Lilly) and Julie (Kathryn Todd Norman), and mysterious Ix (Tori White).  Together the four band together to survive until the government rescues them, but a series of unfortunate events makes survival extremely difficult, as the mindless mutated people advance on the warehouse, and the four must work together in order to survive. Bearing the brunt of the film on his shoulders, Jay Hayden gives a terrific performance as Jim, who is a common man forced to use all his intellect to survive.  He's not a superhu

V/H/S/2 Starring Lawrence Michael Levine, Kelsy Abbott, LC Holt, Simon Barrett Directed by Simon Barrett, Jason Eisener, Gareth Evans, Gregg Hale, Eduardo Sanchez, Timo Tjahjanto, Adam Wingard V/H/S/2 is a horror anthology movie that follows the original in featuring some of today's up-and-coming horror directors showcasing their talents through short films that all tie to one main narrative. In "Tape 49," the umbrella of the film that ties everything together, a pair of detectives in search for a young man stumble upon a strange house with dozens of videos, which, when viewed in a particular order, brings about death and destruction. In "Phase 1 Clinical Trials," a man is outfitted with a prosthetic eye that's fitted with a camera after an accident, causing him to see the dead. In "A Ride in the Park," a small community park is overtaken by a zombie apocalypse. In "Safe Haven," a film crew in Indonesia get a first-ha

Scary MoVie Starring Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Charlie Sheen, Snoop Dogg Directed by Malcolm Lee In 2000, the Wayan brothers brought to life a new look at the classic spoof movie with "Scary Movie," which grossed over $157 million dollars and was a certifiable hit.  In 2001 they released the sequel, which also did very well.  After the second film, however, the Wayans left the series, and the subsequent sequels slowly declined in both story and popularity, ending in 2006 with the fourth film in the franchise. Seven years later, director Malcolm Lee (who directed "Undercover Brother" and "Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins") decided to re-ignite the franchise with "Scary Movie 5," or "Scary MoVie."  Once again the Wayan brothers had nothing to do with it, and for the first time neither did Anna Faris or Regina Hall, who were both in the subsequent "Scary Movie" films.  The only actors who took part in this film fro