Playmobil: The Movie

Playmobil: The Movie

Starring Anya Taylor-Joe, Gabriel Bateman, Jim Gaffigan, Daniel Radcliffe

Directed by Lino DiSalvo

It's important to want to make history with a film you've created, and that's the ultimate dream of every director.  To be remembered as something remarkable means that you'll be immortalized forever.  "Playmobil: The Movie" will now be included in that prestigious world of cinematic history - for being the worst movie weekend opening playing in over 2,300 theaters.

The film centers around Marla (Anya Taylor-Joy) and her ten-year-old brother Charlie (Gabriel Bateman), who are left as orphans after their parents' tragic deaths (such a bright, cheery way to open a kid's film).  Marla at one point wanted to explore the world, but four years after her parents' deaths and now she's just struggling to make ends meet, and has lost all desire for doing anything magical, while Charlie is still desiring to do something fun.  He sneaks out one night and Marla tracks him to a closed toy convention where there's a grand scale Playmobil model with a lighthouse that inexplicably teleports them into the Playmobil world, turning them into animated characters.  In this world, Marla remains a stiff persona, while Charlie becomes a rugged Viking warrior who's kidnapped by the evil Emperor Maximus (Adam Lambert), who wishes to use Charlie in gladiator battles.  Marla enlists the help of food truck driver Del (Jim Gaffigan) to find her brother, and he in turn directs her to dashing spy Rex Dasher (Daniel Radcliffe), and together the three scour the world of Playmobil to find Charlie, reunite the family, and send them back to the real world.

So how did "Playmobil: The Movie" earn the distinction of the worst wide-release film ever (earning just $668,000 opening weekend)?  There's several reasons why:
1.  The film is basically just a 100-minute commercial for the lesser-man's LEGO brand, a franchise that I actually never really heard of growing up as I was always playing with the superior LEGO brand.

2.  Speaking of LEGOs, this pales in comparison to the hits that LEGO has had in the cinematic world with stellar hits like "The LEGO Movie," "The Batman LEGO Movie," "The LEGO Movie 2," and even "The LEGO Ninjago Movie."  Essentially in trying to copy their success, Playmobil once again proved why they're inferior in every way.

3.  The animation is extremely off-putting, as the characters all look strange - even though that's how Playmobil toys look - and doesn't really articulate well to the big screen.

4.  The story is bland and generic, about a family trying to get back together, a young woman re-discovering her sense of adventure, and a bunch of side stories that no one cares about.

5.  The music is uninspired, boring, and oddly off-pitch considering that the film has talented singers like Adam Lambert and Meghan Trainer, and almost seemed as an afterthought to include them at all.  You obviously won't find any of these songs up for an Oscar nomination, but maybe a Razzie or two if they had categories for original music.

6.  The voice acting is...atrocious.  Everyone screams all their lines, and it gives you a headache, especially Gabriel Bateman.  The kid did decent work in the recent remake of "Child's Play," but here his voice is insufferable; always upbeat, loud, and repetitive...and did I mention insufferable?

7.  Anya Taylor-Joy deserves a whole lot better than this.  She did amazing work in "The Witch," "Split," and "Glass," and this isn't just a step down for the young actress, but like someone shoved her into a bottomless chasm.

8.  Daniel Radcliffe as well really lowered his standards to play Rex Dasher, who's about as James Bond as Sterling Archer, who also has his own annoying theme music every time he's on screen that's irritating the first time and downright detestable every time following.

There's probably some other negatives about the film, but I've chosen to forget them because I'm trying to forget this movie entirely in my mind.

Proving itself incapable in every way, "Playmobil: The Movie" should've never been made, offering absolutely nothing of value, and wastes the talents of some of the actors.

The Score: D-