After We Collided

After We Collided
Starring Josephine Langford, Hero Fiennes Tiffin, Louise Lombard, Dylan Sprouse
Directed by Roger Kumble

Throughout cinematic history there's been film adaptations by some of the most prolific and talented authors in history.  Works by the likes of Jane Austen, Louisa May Alcott, L. Frank Baum and J.R.R. Tolkien have light up the big screen in ways the authors probably never thought of, and even though it's often said that the book is better, there's no denying that a great novel-to-film adaptation is much appreciated.  Then there's Anna Todd's work - and to label Anna Todd as an author is an insult to authors, wannabe authors, authors to be but died before managing to write a single word, and animals with an innate sense of wanting to be an author but lacking the opposable thumbs to do so.  Todd wrote some completely bland fanfiction concerning Harry Styles of One Direction fame, and somehow, someway, somewhy, managed to get all of her books turned into big, feature-length films.  The first outing - 2019's "After" - was a complete disaster, filled with pointless dialogue, flamed-out chemistry, and an overall pointlessness that makes you ponder the existence of reality as a whole.  Yet that was just the teaser - "After We Collided" (which will have you wishing a car would collide with you) - is the next sampling, which somehow managed to be even worse than "After."  Now that is a feat in and of itself.

For those who skipped "After" (or had their memories blissfully wiped clean of it), we're gifted with a summary of the first film, which in and of itself should've been the film itself.  Tessa (Josephine Langford) was once a shy, quiet, good-girl book-lover who shed her small town innocence and embarked into the world of college, where she meets tatted-up Hardin (Hero Fiennes Tiffin), who is both brooding bad-boy and secretly insecure and sensitive - what every good girl wants!  So anyway, as it were, opposites attracted and they began dating, until Tessa found out that Hardin made a bet with his friends to bed the shy naive girl, and promptly breaks up with him, but then he talks about how he changed, and she seemingly takes him back.

So somewhere between that and the beginning of this film, that reconciliation fell apart again, as Tessa and Hardin are broken up...again...with Hardin brooding and resting in self-pity while Tessa is becoming a successful publishing intern during her freshman year at college (does this actually ever happen?) and is receiving lovey-dovey eyes from fellow employee Trevor (Dylan and-or Cole Sprouse).  Of course she only has eyes for Hardin, and they re-connect after a drunken night out.  Then Hardin tells her that his mother Trish (Louise Lombard) is visiting, and thinks that they're still together, so Tessa agrees with the ploy.  What follows is a Wimbledon-style back and forth between the two as they get together, break up, get together, break up, etc.

While Anna Todd wrote this as a fanfiction for her favorite tween love Harry Styles, she apparently never heard of Taylor Swift, and she does not exist in this universe, because basically this whole movie is a bad Taylor Swift song in and of itself.  Or maybe she does, and this whole film is an exercise in a certain famous song of hers that I thought of throughout the film, and will not review based off the song's lyrics.

The song, in case you're wondering, is "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together."

"I remember when we broke up, the first time, saying 'this is it, I've had enough'" - the throwback to the first film when they broke up...the first time...after Tessa told Hardin she had enough of him after she found out he only started seeing her as a bet.

"Cause like, we hadn't seen each other in a month" - a month (or so) has passed since they broke up during some mysterious in-between time between "After" and "After We Collided."

"When you said you needed space (what?)" - basically the only part of this verse I can relate to with the film is "What?"  As in...what am I watching?

"Then you come around again and say 'Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me'" - if I had a nickle every time Hardin tells Tessa this in the film, I'd have no need for a job in the near future.

"Remember how that lasted for a day?" - or in the film's case, how it lasted for a few seconds?

"I say, 'I hate you,' we break up, you call me, 'I love you'" - if only Tessa had the resolve that T-Swift has, she would've never taken him back the first time.

We're just gonna bypass the chorus because this has no bearing in the film because, as I said earlier, Tessa has no will power or intelligence to abandon an obviously toxic relationship over and over.

"I'm really gonna miss you picking firsts and me falling for it, screaming that I'm right" - yes, this actually happens a few times in the film too, as Hardin and Tessa have a huge fight at a Halloween party that could've been easily resolved by simply talking or rubbing two brain cells together, but they both only have one - so maybe they ARE right for each other!

"And you would hide away and find your peace of mind with some indie record that's much cooler than mine" - no lie, there is a scene where Tessa comes home after a fight and Hardin is sitting on a couch listening to some soft tunes on his headphones.  No...lie...

"I used to think that we were forever ever and I used to say, 'never say never'" - Tessa obviously will never let go of Hardin and thinks they'll be together forever...ever..ever...ever...

"So he calls me up and he's like, 'I still love you' and I'm like, I'm just, I mean this is exhausting, you know?" - yes T-Swift, yes I do know.

So "After We Collided" is a jumbled mess, a slew of pointless dialogue that's so thinly-written that a child could've put the words together with those alphabet refrigerator magnets.  There's no characters worth investing in, and literally nothing of importance happens.  There's no rich moment of realization, no in-depth character development, no point whatsoever to this logically existing in this or any other universe.  It's just one jaded woman's dream of having Harry Styles and knowing it will never happen. 

"After We Collided" is also a very misplaced film in today's generation, as #metoo and other female empowerment organizations have blossomed to fruition.  Tessa is by no means an intelligent, self-sustained, self-appreciating woman.  She's constantly falling for Hardin's charm despite the continual mental abuse he sustains on her, and even the abuse she gives to him back.  This is a toxic relationship from the start, and no girl should ever emulate this type of relationship, nor should they ever set out to find it.  There's no real, genuine love here, just lustful desire that - as the old saying goes - burns bright red, and just like any flame, threatens to burn you. 

The film sets itself apart from the original by earning an R-rating instead of the PG-13 of its predecessor, but they don't even use that rating to its full extent.  They just throw in f-bombs wildly - again, like a child would do if he just pieced the letters together incoherently - and that's it.  The sex scenes themselves are laughably bad, showcasing the complete lack of chemistry between leads Josephine Langford (the younger sister of "Knives Out," "Love, Simon," and "13 Reasons Why" star Katherine) and Hero Fiennes Tiffin (if "Fiennes" sounds familiar, he's the nephew of famed thespians and actors Joseph and Ralph Fiennes, who I can only imagine demanded him to add a new last name so their name wouldn't be tarnished by his complete lack of acting ability). 

I've already put more thought into this review than Anna Todd did into writing it, so I'll end with this: "After We Collided" is a complete disaster, a film that doesn't have the right to exist, and gives off a negative message about wanting to remain in an obviously toxic relationship.

The Score: D-