Artemis Fowl

Artemis Fowl

Starring Ferdia Shaw, Lara McDonnell, Josh Gad, Judi Dench

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Sometimes you get the best ingredients, but when you mix them together, what comes out is downright insufferable.  When you get a beloved children's novel series, an acclaimed and respected director, and a multi-billion dollar company coming together, you'd expect something amazing - and instead you get "Artemis Fowl."

The film follows young Artemis Fowl II (Ferdia Shaw), who's a twelve-year-old genius who's very close to his father, Artemis Fowl Sr. (Colin Farrell), who tells his son about the wonder and magic of fairies, leprechauns, goblins, dwarfs, and the like.  He is also an adventurer who goes missing after a certain adventure, leading young Fowl to use his knowledge to find his father, with the help of his butler Dom Butler (Nonso Anozie) and his niece Juliet (Tamara Smart).  He learns that the world of fairies are real, and the key to rescuing his father from an evil fairy who seeks something called the Aculos, which serves as a bridge between the imaginary and the reality.

As this is happening, young fairy officer Holly Short (Lara McDonnell) is out to prove that her father wasn't a traitor, against the will of her commanding officer Root (Judi Dench).  She is captured by Artemis in hopes of finding the Aculos, while Root orders a dwarf named Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad) to retrieve her.  As time begins to run out for everyone involved, they have to learn to trust one another in hopes of finding Artemis's father and saving both mankind and fairy-kind.

The film has been in development since 2001, and was met with several roadblocks along the way, which should've been a sign that they should've given up.  When the film was finally completed in 2019, it was due for a release that year but then the Harvey Weinstein (whose company produced the film) scandal shelved the movie again until 2020.  Although it was supposed to be released in the summer of 2020, the Coronavirus pandemic struck, once again halting the film before Disney finally released it on their streaming service.  Again, after facing so many obstacles, someone should've realized that this mess of a film should never had been made, but again it was, and the result was nothing short of excruciating.

I've never read the books, but from those that did read it found the film a complete and jumbled mess that didn't make sense, and lacked any wonder and magic of the source material.  Apparently it covered two of the books, but glossed over literally everything to produce a slick, action-packed film as everyone involved searched for the fabled McGuffin, the Aculos, which itself was mentioned nothing short of at least fifty times (I stopped counting after the first half hour) in the scant 90-minute runtime.  The film felt so dry, so bare, and lacking anything worthy of praise - it was absolutely painful to watch.

The story itself was so simplistic yet so complicated in its production that it's almost dizzying in its madness.  This is supposed to be a big, epic adventure but young Artemis literally never left his mansion the entire time.  The only other setting is the world of the fairies, which looks like a blend of Wakanda and Atlantis from "Aquaman" and lacked any visual appeal whatsoever.  The entire battle takes place at Fowl's home, and it's not even that exciting, and felt like a scuffle rather than something you'd impatiently sit through the start of to see it end. 

Kenneth Branagh is an acclaimed director, and it's literally shocking to see his name in the director's title, as the film itself looked like it was directed by a first-timer who needed a job to pay his rent.  The film tries to lure you in with the promise of action and adventure, but fails on both ends.  The effects would've worked if it was actually made back in 2001, but now it's laughable in how bad it is (especially the huge troll which rivals the worst CGI ever against The Rock in "The Mummy Returns"). 

The actors all felt like they had to trudge through this mess for their paychecks.  Judi Dench (who has had a terrible run with both this and "Cats") looks absolutely miserable throughout.  Colin Farrell has a cameo but even he seems disinterested in the product.  Newcomer Ferdia Shaw takes on the titular role, and he can't be faulted for giving a terrible performance since it's his first outing and he was given such a bare-bones script that makes Fowl more a side character than the main focal point, and it seems that his character is totally changed from the source material.  Only Lara McDonnell's Holly offers any sort of excitement, while Josh Gad serves as the typical narrator who doesn't need to narrate the story because we can clearly see what's going on.

For a very shortened movie season, "Artemis Fowl" serves as a strong contender for the worst movie of 2020, a movie that's filled with terrible editing, subpar story, lame effects, and an overall feel that it just had to be made for the sake of being made, no matter how terrible the end result was.

The Score: D-