Zoolander No. 2

Zoolander No. 2

Starring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Penelope Cruz, Will Ferrell

Directed by Ben Stiller

The Story:
After defeating Mugatu and saving the Prime Minister of Malaysia, supermodel Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) went on to build his Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, but disaster strikes when it collapses, and Zoolander goes into retirement and seclusion, along with fellow supermodel Hansel (Owen Wilson), who was injured in the event.

Fifteen years later, Billy Zane (Billy Zane) convinces Derek and Hansel to come out of retirement and attend the House of Atoz fashion show, specifically telling Zoolander he can get custody of his son back.  The two travel to Rome, where they're publicly humiliated on the runway due to being too old and outdated, and then meet Valentina Valencia (Penelope Cruz), who works for the Interpol Fashion Police.  She tells them that famous pop stars are being killed, and they all leave a selfie with a Zoolander pose before they die.  An evil plan is revealed, and at the center is Zoolander's old nemesis, Mugatu (Will Ferrell).

The Synopsis:
Back in 2001, Ben Stiller introduced the world to Derek Zoolander.  This was one of the films of my early adult years that I watched repeatedly with my friends, and each time we would bust our guts laughing.  It was one of the funniest movies I had seen, and although when it was first released it was met with bitter reviews, it turned out to be a huge hit and talks of a sequel was almost instantaneous.

Then, fifteen years passed, and no sequel was ever made.  Finally, Ben Stiller got together with longtime friend Justin Theroux (a.k.a. Mr. Jennifer Aniston) to write a sequel.  Not only did he write it and star, but Stiller also directed and produced the project, which clearly was a labor of love for the actor in hopes to once again bring "Blue Steel" to the big screen.

The result was, in no simple terms, an abomination.  While I was laughing out loud throughout most of the first film, this one found me chuckling a couple times, but mostly I was just wondering what the heck was going on and why they even attempted this disaster in the first place.

The story takes on a pointlessly stupid "Da Vinci Code" mantra, featuring the first male model (Steve...from Adam and Eve and Steve), and his bloodline that contains the Fountain of Youth.  For some reason, this resulted in the murders of several pop stars including Madonna, Demi Lovato, Bruce Springsteen, Usher and Lenny Kravitz (all just shown in images as they gave one final selfie before their deaths).  Finally, Justin Bieber became the next victim, and it was so terribly done that the biggest joke of the film (which is in the first few minutes) fell incredibly flat as Bieber shows he can't act as well as can't sing.

The film relies on the old mantra of "bringing old people out of retirement and not knowing a thing about modern society," as Derek and Hansel make jokes about Facebook, Ubers and selfies, as well as knocks on the transgender community (as they interact with a sexually ambiguous model named All, brilliantly portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch, who was one of the reasons I actually chuckled).  We've seen this done before, and by now it's just tiresome and weak writing.   

Stiller and Wilson have great chemistry, but not even that could save the film from its muddied story, ancient jokes and lame plot.  Will Ferrell - who was top billed - is in the film for about twenty minutes.   Even Ben Stiller's wife, Christine Taylor (who was prominent in the first film) didn't do much in this film. 

So what was the "funniest" parts of the film?  The cameos.  Cumberbatch gives a great performance here, as did Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Other cameos of note include Kiefer Sutherland, Sting, Katy Perry, Willie Nelson, Tommy Hilfiger, Ariana Grande, John Malkovich, Susan Boyle, MC Hammer, and Anna Wintour.  The only other time I laughed was when Hansel asked Mugatu why he killed Justin Bieber, to which Mugatu replies: "You're asking me why I killed Justin Bieber?"  A cheap laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. 

Near the beginning of the film, Zoolander says "it's not me anymore."  Hansel then said, "what happened to us?"  For two models who are supposed to be dumb as bricks, they sure made a lot of sense here.

The Summary:
There's the old breakup line, "it's not you, it's me."  With the case of "Zoolander 2," it's simply "we've moved on, you haven't."

The Score: C-