JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues Starring Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Christina Applegate, Paul Rudd Directed by Adam McKay Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) and his now wife Veronica (Christina Applegate) are living in New York City working for a news station when Veronica gets a job opportunity of a lifetime, which unfortunately causes Ron to become jealous and leaves her.  Feeling washed out, Burgundy is at the end of his rope when he's visited by a producer who invites  Burgundy to take part in a new experiment - a 24 hour news channel.  Ron gathers his old news team together and return to New York to take part in the new experiment, all the while coming into contact with hot shot up-and-comers, a "different" type of boss, and Burgundy's own arrogance. In 2004, the original "Anchorman" brought laughs in droves and created some of today's most quotable quotes ("I love lamp," "60% of the time, it works every time").  Almo...

The Heat Starring Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy, Demian Bichir, Marlon Wayans Directed by Paul Feig FBI Special Agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) is an extremely effective investigator, but she does not work well with others due to her arrogance.  Her boss sends her to Boston to investigate a drug kingpin known as Larkin and, if she can work with the Boston investigators, will receive a promotion. Upon arriving in Boston, she meets her new partner, the no-nonsense Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy), who follows her own set of rules and is extremely foul-mouthed and rebellious, the complete opposite of Ashburn.  As the two women clash over differences, they begin to learn to work together and use their different strengths to their advantage as they track down Larkin, even as Larkin has his eyes set on them. Back in 1988, a movie called "Feds" starring Rebecca De Mornay and Mary Gross hit theaters, and it was a bomb.  No female cop buddy comedies w...

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Starring Ian McKellen, Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage, Orlando Bloom Directed by Peter Jackson As the dwarves, led by Thorin (Richard Armitage) and the Hobbit Bilbo (Martin Freeman), continue on their journey to retake the dwarf land of Erebor, they come into contact with deadly orcs, woodland elves (especially the Elvenking Thranduil, his son Legolas, and the She-Elf Tauriel), and a band of humans on their journey.  Meanwhile, the wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellen) hears of a new deadly force forming, and goes in search of information.  It all leads to a dramatic confrontation with the dragon Smaug (Benedict Cumberbatch), as the dwarves hope to re-take their home. Peter Jackson once again brings the magic of JRR Tolkein's masterful novel series to glorious theatrical life with the second installment of "The Hobbit" film trilogy.  The first film was spent with character development and it seemed more childish, but all that is go...

Monsters University Starring Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Helen Mirren, Steve Buscemi Directed by Dan Scanlon As a very young student, Mike Wazowski (Billy Crystal) dreams of being able to one day be a real Scarer and work at Monsters Inc. to scare children in order to generate electricity, but no one else believes he can do it.  While on tour of the complex, he sneaks into the human world with a real Scarer and from that moment on sets to achieving his one goal. Years later, Mike is a freshman at the prestigious Monsters University, where he hopes to get into the Scare program under the tutelage of the head of the school, Dean Hardscrabble (Helen Mirren).  On his first day of class he meets Sulley Sullivan (John Goodman), who follows a long line of Scarers, and acts like he doesn't need to study or pay attention, while Mike feels the need to over study to make it into the program.  The two of them butt heads and become enemies. After an accident occurs,...

Rock of Ages Starring Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin Directed by Adam Shankman In Hollywood in 1987, young starlet wannabe Sherrie (Julianne Hough) arrives from her small town midwest hometown in hopes of making it big as a singer.  Things don't go especially well on her first day, but she does meet Drew (Diego Boneta), who's a barback at a club called The Bourbon Room, which is famous for finding the talent Stacee Jaxxx (Tom Cruise).  Drew convinces his bosses (Alec Baldwin & Russell Brand) to hire Sherrie, and sparks fly between the two. When a misunderstanding comes between the two, they go their separate ways.  Sherrie takes another job at a gentleman's club run by Justice (Mary J. Blige), while Drew signs up with producer Paul (Paul Giamatti) to become the next big rock star - but ends up fronting a boy band instead.  Meanwhile, activist Patricia (Catherine Zeta-Jones) sets out to bring down the Bourbon Room, and Rolli...

No Tell Motel Starring Rileigh Chalmers, Johnny Hawkes, Chalie Howes, Andrew MacFarlane Directed by Brett Donowho Decades ago, young Angela (Rileigh Chalmers) was accidentally killed on the road in front of her family's small motel.  Today, five friends come upon the abandoned motel in search of safety after a car accident, and find out that the motel isn't the only thing harboring deadly secrets. I've seen a plethora of cheap horror films, but this one takes the cake for the biggest waste of time, worst talent, lamest story and convoluted progress. These five "friends" are the worst type of friends you could ever imagine.  Included in the group is a druggie, a rapist, a cutter, someone who was involved in a hit and run, and someone who just discovered they're pregnant.  None of the friends apparently know about each others' secrets, but the motel brings them to light - by using them as a means of killing each of them. As far as acting go...

Come Out and Play Starring Ebon Moss-Bachrach, Vinessa Shaw, Daniel Cacho, Gerardo Taracena Directed by Makinov Francis (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) and his wife Beth (Vinessa Shaw) decide to take a vacation to a small Mexican island while Beth is seven months pregnant.  Upon arriving on the island, they discover it's pretty much deserted, except for a bunch of children.  When they witness one of the kids killing one of the few adults on the island, they learn that the other adults have all been slaughtered by the children, who have fallen under some sort of illness, and they're next on the list. Upon viewing this film, obvious connections to Stephen King's classic "The Children of the Corn" came to mind, as it seems it's pretty much the same thing, except taking place on a Spanish island, and there's no set child leader like Isaac was.  After seeing the film, I investigated and found that it's practically a shot-for-shot remake of the 1976 fil...

Curse of Chucky Starring Fiona Dourif, Brad Dourif, Danielle Bisutti, Brennan Elliott Directed by Don Mancini Nica (Fiona Dourif), a paraplegic, and her mother Sarah (Chantal Quesnelle) live in a huge mansion alone, set off from the rest of the world because Sarah wants to "protect" her daughter.  One day a mysterious package arrives, and inside is Chucky (voiced by Fiona's real-life father Brad), a maniacal murderous soul trapped in the body of a doll.  That night, Sarah mysteriously dies. The next day Nica's sister Barb (Danielle Bisutti), her husband Ian (Brennan Elliott), their young daughter Alice (Summer Howell) and Alice's nanny Jill (Maitland McConnell - who eerily resembles Amanda Seyfried) arrive to help Nica with the funeral arrangements and to also console their family member.  Alice takes a shining to Chucky and we soon see that the family dynamic isn't as quaint as it seems. Meanwhile, Chucky unleashes his murderous fury on the ...

The Oranges Starring Hugh Laurie, Leighton Meester, Alia Shawkat, Oliver Platt Directed by Julian Farino In the New Jersey suburb called the Oranges, there is two families that have been best friends for years.  David (Hugh Laurie), his wife Paige (Catherine Keener), and their children Vanessa (Alia Shawkat) and Toby (Adam Brody) have been friends with Terry (Oliver Platt), his wife Cathy (Allison Janney) and daughter Nina (Leighton Meester). Nina and Vanessa were best friends growing up until Nina went with the popular crowd, and is now living away from her family.  When her boyfriend cheats on her, she returns home and begins a shocking relationship with David - who is far older, and is also married.  When the families find out what's happening, their friendship suffers and each of them goes through a transformation that significantly alters their lives forever. The story is interesting enough, but it lacks depth.  The director tried too hard to f...

Stitches Starring Ross Noble, Tommy Knight, Shane Murray-Corcoran, Gemma-Leah Devereux Directed by Conor McMahon Stitches (Ross Noble) is a terrible clown with very little charisma and a real hate for children.  He is paid to perform at a birthday party of young Tom (Ryan Burke), and Tom and his friends play a prank on him, which unintentionally causes him to stumble and fall on a knife, killing him. Years later, Tom (Tommy Knight) is about to celebrate another birthday, and the first time since he was young he plans a party with his friend Vinny (Shane Murray Corcoran) and his love interest Kate (Gemma-Leah Devereux).  Unbeknownst to them, a secret clown society has brought Stitches back to life, and he's out to get revenge on Tom and the other kids from his childhood party that caused his death.  As Tom's friends die one-by-one by hilarious means, he must find a way to send Stitches back to the dead before he becomes the next victim. The story is comp...

Thor: The Dark World Starring Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins Directed by Alan Taylor Centuries ago there was an epic battle between the dark Elves and Asgardians over the power of the Aether, a mythical force that could bring darkness to the nine realms once they unite in an event known as the Convergence.  The Asgardians manage to defeat the Elves, but their leader, Malekith (Christopher Eccleston) escapes with some of his soldiers. Two years after the attack on New York, Loki (Tom Hiddleston) is sent to an Asgard prison by his adoptive father, Odin (Anthony Hopkins).  Meanwhile, Odin's son Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is trying to bring the nine realms to peace, all the while pining over his love on Earth, Jane (Natalie Portman). On Earth, Jane and her intern come across mysterious events that cause matter to appear and disappear, and Jane comes into contact with the Aether.  Thor comes to Earth to bring Jane back to Asgard a...

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan Starring Amber Connor, Thomas Downey, Kristina Kopf, Jesse Kove, Tim Lovelace Directed by Gary Jones Back in the late 1800s, a group of settlers kill Babe, the big blue ox belonging to legendary Paul Bunyan.  He discovers what happened and murders the settlers, and creates a special monument for Babe.  Decades later, a group of misfits in the woods finds Babe's remains and takes one of its horns, which re-ignites Bunyan's (who is now a huge giant) anger, and he sets out to kill those who defiled Babe's grave. Typically the SyFy Channel has terrible movies, with horrible CGI, worthless acting and terrible plots.  This film is no different, but there's a sense of fun to it that other films didn't have.  They stuck to the typical characterizations - a no-nonsense drill sergeant, a psychiatrist who is way too nice, the jock, the nice girl, the slut, the token black guy, even the crazed old man who lives in the woods who ...

Cool Air Starring Morgan Weisser, Crystal Green, Wendy Phillips, Jenny Paulin Directed by Albert Pyun Down-and-out screenwriter Charles Baxter (Morgan Weisser) is trying to re-vitalize his former greatness, but right now he's poor and settles for living in a room in a house belonging to Mrs. Baxter (Wendy Phillips) and her autistic daughter Estella (Jenny Paulin).  Upon moving in, he realizes there is an odd neighbor upstairs who keeps an air conditioner at 55 degrees, which sometimes condensates into his room, along with a pundit smell.  One day Charles suffers a heart attack and is rescued by the reclusive neighbor, who turns out to be a doctor, Dr. Shockner (Crystal Green), who brings him back to life, and then tells him a story most bizarre and horrific, and how he now must continue the story. Taken from a short story written by the brilliant horror author H.P. Lovecraft, this direct-to-DVD version has some mild hits, but unfortunately some bigger misses. ...

Frankenstein's Army Starring Karel Roden, Alexander Mercury, Robert Gwilym, Joshua Sasse Directed by Richard Raaphorst A small Russian platoon is infiltrating the German countryside in search of a missing Russian army, when they come into contact with something far more terrifying than they could image. Victor Frankenstein (Karel Roden), the direct descendant of the original Frankenstein, has brought back to life dead corpses, but made them even "better" by fusing them with robotic parts, including propellers, drills, saws and other devices to help the Nazis win the war.  He unleashes their fury on the unsuspecting Russian troop, with extremely gruesome and terrifying consequences. "Frankenstein's Army" follows the long line of recent horror films that delve into the supernatural aspect of the Nazi regime (including "War of the Dead," "Outpost," "Outpost II" and "Nazis at the Center of the Earth").  This...

Ted Starring Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane, Joel McHale Directed by Seth MacFarlane Growing up, young John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) didn't have any friends, and one Christmas he received a teddy bear he called Ted.  One night he wished that Ted would be real so he would have a friend, and the next day Ted comes alive, and the two become best friends.  Ted's magical transformation also draws attention to national and international news, and he becomes an overnight celebrity, all the while maintaining his friendship with John. As John grows up, he meets and falls in love with Lori (Mila Kunis), and, after four years of being together, she wants to take things to the next level.  The only issue is that John still has Ted, who has become a bitterly sarcastic, drunk, pot-smoking bad influence on John, who refuses to grow up.  Eventually Lori gives him an ultimatum - either it's her, or Ted.  Seth MacFarlane, who is best known for creatin...

Blood Runs Cold Starring Hanna Oldeburg, Patrick Saxe, Andreas Rylander, Elin Hugoson Directed by Sonny Laguna Winona (Hanna Oldenburg) is a famous something-or-other, and her publicist sends her back home to relax, in a very cold, dark, creepy house.  Bored within minutes, she heads to the bar where she reunites with her ex boyfriend Richard (Patrick Saxe) and his friends (Andreas Rylander, Elin Hugoson).  Together they head back to Winona's place, where they're stalked by a killer of some sort.  This film was made with only $5,000, and you can clearly tell.  The gore is surprisingly effective, but the plot is so paper thin you could cut yourself on your finger with it.  We never know who the killer is, or even what he is (he gets attacked by several weapons a'la Jason Voorhees but doesn't die).  Either he's a zombie (he's seen eating entrails), a Jason-like ethereal being, or a human with a heck of a lot of body armor.  No one knows, ...

Bad Grandpa Starring Johnny Knoxville, Jackson Nicoll, Georgina Cates, Spike Jonze Directed by Jeff Tremaine 86 year old Irving Zisman (Johnny Knoxville) is taking his eight year old grandson Billy (Jackson Nicoll) on a cross country trip to hand him off to Billy's father, as his mother was just sentenced to jail.  Along the way, the two cause mischief and mayhem in small and big towns alike, resulting in hilarious consequences to those unsuspecting viewers who don't know they're being secretly videotaped. Johnny Knoxville, best known for his "Jackass" television and movie series, delivers the first film that actually features a somewhat coherent storyline with "Bad Grandpa," as he changes from a middle-aged man to an ornery old man and pulls pranks on unsuspecting victims.  The laughs abound in droves as not just me, but everyone in the theater, found themselves almost rolling in the aisles from laughing too hard.  There's three thi...

Carrie Starring Chloe Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore, Gabriella Wilde, Portia Doubleday Directed by Kimberly Peirce Young Carrie White (Chloe Grace Moretz) is a very secluded, isolated, and plain girl.  She's kept isolated by her overly religious mother Margaret (Julianne Moore) and kept from the knowledge of average everyday life, including the moment when a girl becomes a woman, which results in her being horribly tortured and made fun of by the other girls after gym class one day, especially from Chris (Portia Doubleday). Chris's best friend, Sue (Gabriella Wilde) and her boyfriend Tommy (Ansel Elgort), along with gym teacher Ms. Desjardin (Judy Greer) feel bad for what happened to Carrie, and Sue even offers Billy to take Carrie to their senior prom.  Meanwhile, Carrie is beginning to harness a special power of telekinesis after the event.  At first she fears it, but she begins to learn and control it, much to Margaret's horror. Carrie agrees to go to t...

Nothing Left to Fear Starring Rebekah Brandes, Ethan Peck, Anne Heche, Clancy Brown Directed by Anthony Leonardi III In the small town of Stull, Kansas, the church has hired a new pastor.  Dan (James Tupper), his wife Wendy (Anne Heche), their two daughters Mary (Jennifer Stone) and Rebecca (Rebekah Brandes) and young son Christopher (Carter Cabassa) feel God's calling to this small town, six states away, and Dan accepts the position as the new pastor. The old pastor, Kingsman (Clancy Brown) and the townspeople welcome the family with nauseatingly bad open arms, a welcome that, if any normal person was greeted with, would've planned on packing up and leaving as soon as they arrived. Instead the family settles in, and Rebecca falls for the mysterious Noah (Ethan Peck - who is unfortunately the grandson of the great actor Gregory Peck), who acts about as wooden as a cardboard cutout.  He's mysterious, we get it.  No one cares. Soon the town's - siniste...

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows Starring Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Noomi Rapace, Jared Harris Directed by Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) and his partner Watson (Jude Law) are back, this time they're up against Holmes' greatest foe, Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris), who plans on bringing about a world war by manipulating the worlds' governments.  With the help of gypsy Simza (Noomi Rapace), whose brother has joined Moriarty's cause, Holmes and Watson travel to Paris and Switzerland to stop Moriarty's evil plan. Once again directed by Guy Ritchie, "A Game of Shadows" re-unites Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law, and their chemistry is none the less powerful.  They play off each other in a brilliant way that transcends the film and really draws you into what is happening, while along the way bringing about the dry wit both are well known for.  The full introduction of Moriarty also adds to the Sherlock Holmes mythos, brillian...

Dark Shadows Starring Johnny Depp, Eva Green, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter Directed by Tim Burton In 1760, the Collins family sets up a fishing port in Maine, becoming the most wealthy and well-known family of the area, even having the town named after them.  Their maid Angelique (Eva Green) falls for Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), but he only has eyes for Josette (Bella Heathcote).  Burned by his rejection, Angelique, who is also a witch, enchants Josette to walk off a cliff to her death.  Barnabas follows after her, but doesn't die because Angelique turns him into an immortal vampire, so he could never die and spend the rest of eternity pining over his lost love.  She has the townspeople imprison him in a coffin. In 1972, construction workers accidentally uncover Barnabas's tomb, and he heads back to Collinsport and to his old mansion, which has fallen into disarray and inhabited by his descendants: Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), her broth...

Contagion Starring Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Jude Law Directed by Steven Soderbergh Arriving home from a business trip in Hong Kong, Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow) gets what at first appears to be a cold, but soon becomes something much more deadly.  Identifying herself as patient zero, the CDC sets out to find a cure for this new brand of virus, which is quickly spreading across the world and causing countless numbers of people to die. I really enjoy films like this, where you have to use science and reasoning to find a way to solve a global problem.  Steven Soderbergh brings together some of today's A-list celebrities to perform their own A-game in this highly tense and stylized thriller, which, if you're a germaphobe,  you'll probably hate.  "Contagion" shows how easy it is to pass a virus from one person to another, not just through coughing but in everything we touch on a daily basis that we don't even think about - doork...

Documenting the Grey Man Starring Patrick Hussion, Kelly Coulter, Jillian Walzer, Wayne Capps Directed by Wayne Capps A group of wannabe film makers decide to investigate the legend of the Grey Man - a spirit who is seen in South Carolina whenever a storm is about to hit.  They travel to a manor where the family believes they're being haunted by the spirit, but the crew is really out to disprove the existence of ghosts by faking everything they do, including a fake psychic. After a lot of boring interviews, even more boring dialogue, and extremely boring back stories, we finally get to the boring action around forty minutes into the film (and for a film clocking in at 1 hour and 4 minutes, you can tell how much of this film is...to repeat the word...boring). The story makes no sense whatsoever, it's supposed to be a found footage film, but it's already masterfully edited (with music!), and the acting is worst at best.  Although the ending had some of the ...

Gravity Starring Sandra Bullock, George Clooney Directed by Alfonso Cuaron Bio-medical engineer Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) is on her first space shuttle mission and is accompanied by veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski (George Clooney).  While attempting to fix the Hubble Space Telescope, debris from a blown up Russian satellite compromises the mission and literally leaves Stone and Kowalski adrift in space without a ship.  What follows is a harrowing ordeal of survival and the endurance of the human spirit. Critically acclaimed director Alfonso Cuaron ("Y Tu Mama Tambien," "Children of Men") delivers what I feel is not only HIS best film, but Sandra Bullock's best film as well.  The visuals are downright dazzling, even in regular 2D.  I felt like I was in outer space with them and felt the hopelessness and sheer awesomeness of such an extravagant endeavor.  It's without a doubt the most visually profound experience I've ever seen in the...

This is the End Starring James Franco, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill Directed by  Evan Goldberg & Seth Rogen Jay Baruchel arrives in Los Angeles to spend time with his old friend Seth Rogen, who takes him to a party being hosted by James Franco.  Jay doesn't like James or Seth's other friends and pouts during the party, when all hell literally breaks loose as the Rapture occurs, followed by the start of the Apocalypse, which results in a huge hole to hell opening in front of Franco's home, sucking in such stars as Michael Cera, Rihanna, Jason Segel and Mindy Kaling. Retreating back inside Franco's house, James, Jay, Seth, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson and Danny McBride try to survive not just the apocalypse, but each other, as their diva-like personalities begin to come out which result in hilarious hijinks.  If this was done by actors playing different people, it wouldn't have had the same effect.  However, having the actors play themselves...

State of Emergency Starring Jay Hayden, Tori White, Scott Lilly, Kathryn Todd Norman Directed by Turner Clay An unexplained event has occurred in a small town, causing some people to mutate into ravenous cannibalistic mindless killers.  After witnessing the death of his girlfriend, Jim (Jay Hayden) bunkers down in an abandoned barn, until he hears word of other survivors being holed up in a warehouse.  He flees the barn and unites with married couple Scott (Scott Lilly) and Julie (Kathryn Todd Norman), and mysterious Ix (Tori White).  Together the four band together to survive until the government rescues them, but a series of unfortunate events makes survival extremely difficult, as the mindless mutated people advance on the warehouse, and the four must work together in order to survive. Bearing the brunt of the film on his shoulders, Jay Hayden gives a terrific performance as Jim, who is a common man forced to use all his intellect to survive.  He'...

V/H/S/2 Starring Lawrence Michael Levine, Kelsy Abbott, LC Holt, Simon Barrett Directed by Simon Barrett, Jason Eisener, Gareth Evans, Gregg Hale, Eduardo Sanchez, Timo Tjahjanto, Adam Wingard V/H/S/2 is a horror anthology movie that follows the original in featuring some of today's up-and-coming horror directors showcasing their talents through short films that all tie to one main narrative. In "Tape 49," the umbrella of the film that ties everything together, a pair of detectives in search for a young man stumble upon a strange house with dozens of videos, which, when viewed in a particular order, brings about death and destruction. In "Phase 1 Clinical Trials," a man is outfitted with a prosthetic eye that's fitted with a camera after an accident, causing him to see the dead. In "A Ride in the Park," a small community park is overtaken by a zombie apocalypse. In "Safe Haven," a film crew in Indonesia get a first-ha...

Scary MoVie Starring Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Charlie Sheen, Snoop Dogg Directed by Malcolm Lee In 2000, the Wayan brothers brought to life a new look at the classic spoof movie with "Scary Movie," which grossed over $157 million dollars and was a certifiable hit.  In 2001 they released the sequel, which also did very well.  After the second film, however, the Wayans left the series, and the subsequent sequels slowly declined in both story and popularity, ending in 2006 with the fourth film in the franchise. Seven years later, director Malcolm Lee (who directed "Undercover Brother" and "Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins") decided to re-ignite the franchise with "Scary Movie 5," or "Scary MoVie."  Once again the Wayan brothers had nothing to do with it, and for the first time neither did Anna Faris or Regina Hall, who were both in the subsequent "Scary Movie" films.  The only actors who took part in this film fro...