Red One

Red One
Starring Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, Lucy Lui, J.K. Simmons
Directed by Jake Kasdan

When I saw the trailer for "Red One," I thought this would be an alright addition to the Netflix Original films that come and go as often as I change my drawers, but to my utter shock I found that it was actually a theatrical release film. I had low expectations going into it, and in a way it did something magical: it far exceeded my already low expectations.

With Christmas approaching, Nick (J.K. Simmons) is preparing for his busiest night of the year, with the help of his loyal head of security Callum Drift (Dwayne Johnson) who wishes to retire because he's grown disenchanted with all the naughty people out there. Yet right before Christmas Nick is abducted by an evil witch who plans to use his magic to spread punishment to all the naughty children in the world. Expert hacker Jack O'Malley (Chris Evans) is brought in after inadvertently giving away the North Pole location, and is forced to work with Drift to find Nick before Christmas gets canceled forever.

"Red One" is essentially a generic palate colored with red and green and given a Christmas feel to it. It's got all the hallmarks of a mismatched buddy cop comedy with none of the thrills, laughs, or character development. It's not even a bland present wrapped in colorful wrapping paper - it's a bland present wrapped in horrible CGI wrapping paper. It looks like something made in the mid-2000s with its abysmal effects and staged action sequences that are so choppy you don't know what's going on most of the time.

The talent is also mismatched, as J.K. Simmons and Lucy Liu seem to put in their all into the project, but they're merely side characters. Simmons' Nick is a buff cookie-eating magical creature who traverses the world delivering presents to children, but he has a joyful glee about it, seeing the good in everyone no matter how awful they could be. Liu is Zoe Harlow, the director of the Nick's protection agency who barks orders but also has a few moments of fighting that are way too far between. Kristofer Hivju plays Nick's brother Krampus and also seems to enjoy the role despite being under layers of prosthetic makeup (kudos for the film for not making him an entirely abominable CGI creation).

Everyone else is absolutely terrible. Kiernan Shipka plays the witch Gryla who wants to punish the wicked because...reasons...and is as generic of a villain as you can find. Unfortunately, the two leads themselves appear to not even want to star in the film, most notably Dwayne Johnson who caused production problems left and right with him constantly being late or not showing up for shoots, delaying the project. He looks tired and done with it, playing the same generic character that's established his career, and has no Yuletide magic whatsoever. Chris Evans also looks pained to be in the project, playing the generic hacker with a heart of gold who is at first forced to help save Nick, but whose heart grows two sizes bigger when he realizes what it means to his kid.

Everything about this film - from the actors to the effects and the boring, predictable story - feels like a film written by AI and has about as much soul as one of them has, but it'll probably satisfy a family throwing it on the television during the holidays to keep the kiddos entertained while they do something more worthwhile of their time.

The Score: C-