They/Them

They/Them

Starring Kevin Bacon, Theo Germaine, Anna Chlumsky, Carrie Preston

Directed by John Logan

For thousands of teens and young adults who identify as LGBT+, the idea of gay conversion therapy is terrifying in itself. Films like "Boy Erased" (based on the memoir of Garrard Conley) and documentaries like Netflix's hard-hitting "Pray Away" has shown the world the dangers of gay conversion therapy, because it makes them feel like something is wrong with them, which isn't true at all. Trying to force someone through mental distress to "pray away the gay" is extremely harmful and narrow-minded, so including that as your main thrust into a horror film seemed like an obvious thing: a group of LGBT+ youth forced to attend a gay conversion camp while being hunted by a masked killer seemed on paper to be the best idea, but sadly the execution was tonally all over the place, and with a story that didn't seem to know what direction it was supposed to go in - as well as lame scares and cringy moments - "They/Them" was terrible in every way.

Owen Whistler (Kevin Bacon) and his wife Cora (Carrie Preston) run a gay conversion camp where youth are sent there every year by their parents to "make them straight," and this crop of kids includes non-binary Jordan Lewis (Theo Germaine), who feels something is off about the camp right away, and not just due to its theme. A masked killer roams the woods at night, but that's not the main threat - it's Owen and the extreme measures he takes to turn the kids straight at any cost, and Jordan discovers the dark secrets of the Whistler camp, putting him - and his friends - in danger.

If the summary seems to be all over the place, that's because that's how the film was. It's supposed to be a camp slasher film, but that seems to be the secondary story (in fact, after the first kill in the first scene, the killer doesn't kill again until like fifty minutes or so into the 104 minute runtime, and then after that there's not another kill until the last twenty minutes). Instead, the film focuses on the true terror of gay conversion camps, and it seemed that was the story writer/director John Logan really wanted to tell, but even that story was contrived and extremely one-sided. It felt more like a parody than anything serious at moments, while at other times there's supposed to be a ramped-up feeling of emotion that wasn't there because of the terrible writing - and this coming from a three-time Oscar nominee for Screenplay credits ("Gladiator," "The Aviator," and "Hugo"). You'd think this was written by someone who had a bunch of ideas pinned on the wall and threw darts to pick his ideas: while there's a masked killer running loose (that even Jordan sees in the woods but never says anything about later), there's also the diabolical Whistler couple who resorts to shock therapy and mental abuse to turn the kids straight. Then there's generic coupling that exists solely as plot devices, and...in the biggest cringe moment of the 2020s so far in the cinematic decade...a sudden, impromptu a-cappella rendition of Pink's "Perfect" (I'm not kidding...it was like an episode of "Glee" or "High School Musical" thrown in for some stupid random reason). Along with all that there's the moment Jordan discovers the camp's history of abuse with pictures that seem to come straight out of some stock photo website and the killer's reveal which is as obvious as the back of my hand, and you've got one truly terrible wannabe blend of horror and social commentary that fails on both ends.

It's sad because I've always loved these killer-in-the-woods camp films, from way back to the iconic "Friday the 13th" (which, coincidentally, was Kevin Bacon's first film) and including knock-offs like "Sleepaway Camp" (which had its own shocking moment) and "Bloody Murder," and I managed to find joy in all of them. There's no joy to be had in "They/Them" and not just because of the terror of gay conversion camp, but in the limp storytelling and rampant tonal confusion that seemed to attempt to tell too many stories at once, all the while never giving any character any depth or meaning.

The aforementioned Kevin Bacon goes from traditional horny counselor who got his comeuppance in the original "Friday the 13th" to the villain of this story, not hiding behind a mask (or is he?) but rather showcasing his villainy out in the open. With a sly smile and a caring tone, he sets out to ruin the kids' lives with tactics that don't just borderline on abuse - but lives up to the definition of it. Theo Germaine does their best as Jordan, but also ultimately falls into the trap of poor writing, as does everyone else in the highly capable (and openly LGBTQ+) cast. It's a wasted opportunity through and through, not working as a hard-hitting horror of gay conversion camp, and not working as an escapist serial killer in the woods either.

If there's one thing "They/Them" has going for it, it's the fact that it'll open the door for better representation of the LGBTQ+ community in the world of horror, as there has to be writers out there who can fully deliver the goods. Sadly, for a three-time Oscar nominee for writing, he couldn't get the tone right at all, resulting in a jumbled mess of a film that's an insult to horror fans - and that's saying something.

The Score: D-