Rumble

 

Rumble

Starring Will Arnett, Geraldine Viswanathan, Terry Crews, Fred Melamed

Directed by Hamish Grievet

In this world where big-budget movies are sometimes sold to streaming services instead of being seen on the big screen (or they're shown on streaming services as well as the big screen, where most people opt to watch it in the comfort, safety, and cheapness of their home), there's been an argument as to whether or not the streaming services are taking profits from the theater, leading to its slow demise. While I'm very much in the camp that movies should be seen and appreciated on the biggest screen possible, when I saw the trailer for "Rumble," I groaned on the inside because, being someone who HAS to see every movie that comes out every year, I knew eventually I'd have to drag my sorry butt to the theater to see this abomination. Then, like an angel ascending from the heavens, it was announced that "Rumble" would go straight to Paramount+, which meant I got to watch this trainwreck (actually, it's not a trainwreck, because at least trainwrecks are interesting) of a so-called movie at home while I focused on other, more interesting things - like counting the number of fake-sugar packets I still have (42).

In the city of Stoker, the town was built by kaiju wrestling, because in this world giant monsters and people co-exist in perfect harmony. The town's main draw was its local kaiju hero, Rayburn (Charles Barkley), who was trained by the great Jimbo Coyle (Carlos Gomez). But after they both passed on, the town relied on upstart kaiju Tentacular (Terry Crews) to keep their city thriving, but in a LeBron move, he decided to ditch the town in favor of the big lights of Slithermore. The city is immediately thrust into ruin, and the only hope the Mayor (Fred Melamed) has is demolishing the stadium and turning it into a parking lot.

Jimbo's daughter Winnie (Geraldine Viswanathan) doesn't want this to happen, so she sets out to find her own kaiju to train and make Stoker prosper again. She eventually finds Rayburn's son, Rayburn Jr. (Will Arnett), who throws competitions for money, and who goes by an alias because he doesn't want to be seen as being Rayburn's son. After some convincing, Winnie manages to get Rayburn Jr. to come to Stoker where she trains him to be an actual fighter, and plans a big bout at the stadium between Rayburn Jr. and Tentacular, using Rayburn Jr.'s secret weapon - his love of dance - to hopefully overcome his opponent.

There's not a lot to say about this film, so I'll keep it short, simple, and in this one paragraph. The film isn't entertaining for kids, and less so for adults. The animation is laughably bad considering literally every other animated feature that came out this year (with the exception of "Earwig and the Witch"). The voice actors seem like they're not even trying, and don't care to be there at all. The story is supposed to be about not wanting to follow in your father's footsteps, while also following in your father's footsteps, as long as those footsteps are in the right direction. The fighting isn't even worthy of mentioning, and it all culminates in the obvious way, and you realized that you wasted over ninety minutes of your life you can never get back, and not even your children will enjoy it. There, that's it, and that's probably more thought than anyone involved in the movie put into it.

Offering groan-inducing dialogue, lackluster animation, a tired story, and an overall feeling that this shouldn't exist in the first place, "Rumble" lacks anything resembling a coherent structure, resulting in an extremely dumb and mindless animated film that neither adults nor children would enjoy.

The Score: D-