Earwig and the Witch

Earwig and the Witch
Starring Taylor Paige Henderson, Vanessa Marshall, Richard E. Grant, Dan Stevens
Directed by Goro Miyazaki

Studio Ghibli was one of those rare production companies that could do no wrong, producing such beautiful, artistic, vividly lively storytelling epics like "Spirited Away," "Castle in the Sky," "Grave of the Fireflies," "Kiki's Delivery Service," and on and on and literally on into pretty much eternity - but unfortunately I started out this sentence with the word "was," as in the past tense. Studio Ghibli never produced a dud, a film that was so bad it falls into the sad category of "absolutely unequivocally worthless" until now. "Earwig and the Witch" is the first real dud for the production company, and it wasn't a light dud - it fell like a five-thousand pound anvil falling out of the sky, creating an unmistakable crater for all the world to see as a permanent blemish on an otherwise beautiful landscape.

Earwig (Taylor Paige Henderson) grew up in an orphanage after her mother (Kasey Musgraves) gave her up as a baby to protect her from a series of twelve witches that were hunting her. By the time she turned ten, Earwig (re-named Erica Wigg by the orphanage caretakers) has the other children eating out of the palm of her hand, and pretty much has free reign over the orphanage, and she couldn't be happier - until one day she's adopted by the mysterious Bella Yaga (Vanessa Marshall) and Mandrake (Richard E. Grant).

Upon arriving at their home, Earwig learns that Bella is a witch, and Mandrake is a powerful sorcerer who never wants to be disturbed, and the only reason Bella adopted her was to have another set of hands in making potions, cleaning around the house, and finding supplies. Earwig wants to learn magic herself, but Bella is hesitant to teach the young girl, as she mopes around the house (since the Mandrake magically blocked the door to freedom) and remains defiant to Bella's demands even though she eventually gives in. Together with Bella's familiar cat Thomas (Dan Stevens), Earwig plans to create a potion that'll give her full control of the house like how it was back at the orphanage, and protect her from Bella's constant magical threats. Oh, and also there's a band involved too.

I honestly still can't believe this film ever got greenlit, much less produced by the golden standard of production companies, or that it was directed by the son of the great Hayao Miyazaki. Disappointing doesn't even begin to describe it, and I don't think there's a literal word in the English language that adequately portrays my sincere distaste for whatever this was. It was Studio Ghibli's first attempt at a wholly-CGI film, and hopefully it'll be the last - it took away all the whimsy and wonder of the previous hand-drawn creations, instead relying on overly colorful aesthetics that gave the characters a soulless, empty feel.

The story itself is downright confusing, if not wholly irrational. Earwig gets adopted by a witch and a sorcerer for the pure means of making her a slave of sorts, but there's never an ounce of literal danger, no urgency to stop their nefarious deeds (if there even were any, I'm not entirely sure), no sense of excitement or wonder, and the main character is a brat whose voice grates on you like nails on a chalkboard.

The only positive thing I can say about this film is that its only 82 minutes long, but that's still 82 minutes too long - and again there's no stinking point to the story! The film ends on a literal cliffhanger too that promises an adventure for the young Earwig - but no one cares, because this was something that logically should never exist in the realm of possibility. I'm not going to waste any more time or brain power on this brainless endeavor, but suffice it to say this will be a top contender for the worst film of 2021.

Offering nothing at all to redeem itself from the strong pedigree that preceded it, "Earwig and the Witch" is a soulless endeavor that meanders its boring story to absolutely no conclusion, offering no character development, and no sense of urgency - so there's no sense of urgency to watch this "film" in the first place.

The Score: D-