JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Parasitic Starring Camille Balsamo, Amanda Beck, Carrie Carnes, Miguel de la Rosa Directed by Tim Martin Synopsis: An alien parasite has crashed in the ocean and infected the fish.  One of these fish is delivered to a bar before it closes, and turns the manager into a host for the creature.  Since this person is the only one with keys, and since the doors are locked, no one can get out and they become prey for the parasite, who needs humans to host its spawn. Review: Alien parasite.  Invading a bar.  For some reason they can't just break down the door, use a window or use any other easy way to get out.  Instead they seem resigned to their fate, not really caring what happens as they run around haplessly.  I've seen several B-rated films, and this one ranks near the bottom.  Not only is the story completely stupid, but the acting is even worse.  A completely ridiculous outing from start to finish. Summary: Forget this film even ...

Truth or Die Starring Tom Kane, Liam Boyle, Jack Gordon, Florence Hall Directed by Robert Heath Synopsis: Five friends travel to a castle to celebrate the birthday of a fellow classmate that they oddly all picked on back in school.  Upon arriving, they discover there's no party, but party games will be played, namely Truth or Dare - the game that caused the student to hang himself and caused his brother to seek deadly revenge. Review: One thing I'll give this film credit for...and only one thing: the people who survive aren't the ones you expect.  However, even that leaves a sour taste in your mouth, as the people you're rooting for to die are the ones who survive, and the one you think will make it doesn't.  Throw in an obvious "twist" (hint, the brother never mentioned that his brother was dead, just hung himself), and you've got a boring snooze-fest revenge torture porn film that literally makes no sense, and it's one you'll...

An American Ghost Story Starring Stephen Twardokus, Liesel Kopp, Jon Gale, Wendy Haines Directed by Derek Cole Synopsis: Paul (Stephen Twardokus) is a down-and-out writer who wants to make a name for himself by writing a true ghost story, so he rents out a house that formerly saw its occupants killed by the father.  Night after night strange occurrences happen, and unbeknownst to Paul, his life is very well on the line. Review: They should've named this "An American Ghost Snorey."  Nothing really scary happens throughout the film, unless you take into account the cheap jump scares where loud music suddenly plays when nothing remotely scary happens.  When directors know they can't scare the populous, they resort to this cheap trick because we're all programmed to jump when a loud noise occurs. The acting, thin as it was, wasn't too bad.  Wasn't great, but not as bad as some other low-budget horror films. There's two unintentionally fu...

Evil Remains Starring Daniel Gillies, Jeff Davis, Clayne Crawford, Estella Warren Directed by James Merendino Synopsis: Twenty years after a man murdered his parents, a group of college filmmakers travel to the house to see if its haunted by the spirit of the son, or if the son is still alive.  When they arrive they notice strange traps and noises and learn that they're not the only ones at the house. Review: "Evil Remains" is a conglomerate mess in which it doesn't know what it wants.  Does it want to be a ghost story?  Or a serial killer story?  Instead of answering those questions, it mixes the two together for some odd sort of hybrid in which neither subgenre is satisfied. The acting is horrible, as the film also tries to make itself into a dramatic piece especially between bitter brothers Mark (Daniel Gillies) and Tyler (Clayne Crawford) and lesbian couple Kristy (Estella Warren) and Sharon (Ashley Scott).  Problems they have are never re...

X-Men: Days of Future Past Starring Hugh Jackman, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence Directed by Bryan Singer Synopsis: In a very destroyed world, mutants are hunted down and destroyed by Sentinels.  The few that are left hole up in a Chinese monastery, where Kitty (Ellen Page) uses her powers to send the consciousness of Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) back to 1973 to prevent Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) from assassinating Bolivar Trask (Peter Dinklage), who invented the Sentinels.  To do this, Wolverine must convince not just Mystique, but also the younger Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and Eric (Michael Fassbender) to work together. Review: Growing up, "The X-Men" was one of my favorite comic series and TV shows.  When the first movie came out in 2000, I was very pleased.  Things got better in "X2," but then fell flat with "The Last Stand" and "X-Men Origins: Wolverine."  With "The First Class," things started...

Grey Skies Starring Aaron McPherson, Stacy Jorgensen, Michael Cornacchia, Anne Griffin Directed by Kai Blackwood Synopsis: A group of former college friends meet together in an excluded cabin to spend some quality time together.  While there, dark secrets come to light that threaten to divide the friendship forever, but there's bigger things to be worried about: aliens are stalking the group, and they have nefarious plans for them. Review: Alien films are either hit or miss for me.  Some ("Alien, "Aliens," "The Fourth Kind") were exceptional, while most ("Dark Skies") failed to pique my interest.  "Grey Skies" falls along the same lines as its closely named cousin "Dark Skies" in the disappointment department. First there's the cast.  The typical stock characters: the engaged couple with a dark secret, the gay couple with the overly flamboyant head, the horny stoner couple and the lone girl.  To that end ...

Sharknado Starring Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard, Cassandra Scerbo Directed by Anthony Ferrante Fin (Ian Ziering) is the other of a seaside bar and former surfing champion whose living a good life, until one day when a freak hurricane hits the California shore, unleashing deadly tornadoes and sharks in the city.  Together with his friend and fellow employee, he sets out to save his ex wife (Tara Reid), his son and daughter from the onslaught of the shark apocalypse. To take anything seriously in this film is taking it for granted.  For some reason its hit a sensational cult status, but it's probably because those people were either heavily intoxicated or high when they were watching this, because you'd have to be either to even remotely enjoy this piece of trash. The directing is something a high school art student could do.  In the first scenes you see Fin far away and you can clearly tell its a stunt double, and all the closeups of Ian Ziering show...

Godzilla Starring Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Ken Watanabe, Bryan Cranston, Elizabeth Olsen Directed by Gareth Edwards In 1954, a nuclear bomb was detonated in Bikini Atoll.  The government said it was a test, but footage shows they were trying to kill a massive creature, to no avail. In 1999, scientists discover a huge skeleton in the Philippines with two huge pods, one of which is empty.  A supposed earthquake hits Japan's Janjira Nuclear Plant, where Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) and his wife Sandra (Juliet Binoche) work.  The earthquake levels the plant, and the government quarantines the area. Years later, their son Ford (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is living in San Francisco with his wife Elle (Elizabeth Olsen) and their young son.  Ford is an explosive ordinance disposal officer for the Navy and just returned home, when he's called to Japan to release his father, Joe, who was arrested for trespassing in the nuclear zone that used to be their home. Ford arr...

Twixt Starring Val Kilmer, Bruce Dern, Elle Fanning, Ben Chaplin Directed by Francis Ford Coppola Hall Baltimore (Val Kilmer) is a down and out writer who specializes on witchcraft.  He arrives in a small mysterious town for a book signing, and the first thing he notices is that the bell tower has seven different clocks, all giving different times. At the signing he's approached by Sheriff Bobby LaGrange (Bruce Dern), who wants Hall to help him write a story about the town, and a mysterious death at the hands of a serial killer.  Hall uncovers mysteries about the town and in dreams he's met by the mysterious V (Elle Fanning) and Edgar Allen Poe, and together they help Hall uncover the true deadly nature of the town, or something like that. Honestly, I really had no idea what the point of this film was.  It was beautifully crafted (especially the dream sequences), but I didn't fully understand the point, especially coming from such an acclaimed director as...

The Croods Starring Emma Stone, Nicolas Cage, Ryan Reynolds, Cloris Leachman Directed by Kirk DeMicco & Chris Sanders In a time when the world was one huge land mass, the life of a caveman was very dangerous.  That's why the Croods spend most of their time inside a cave - to avoid harm.  Led by the ever vigilant and frightened Grug (Nicolas Cage), the family lives a life of security...if you call that living. For Eep (Emma Stone), she doesn't want to keep living that way (as she doesn't even consider it living, just existing).  So one night she ventures out of the safety of the cave and runs into Guy (Ryan Reynolds),who informs her of an incoming cataclysmic event, warning her to head to the mountains. Not soon after, huge earthquakes occur and the cave is destroyed, but thankfully the family wasn't in it.  Led by Eep and Guy, the family travels to the mountains, all the while an apprehensive Grug sees danger at every turn and just wants his fami...

Knife Edge Starring Natalie Press, Matthieu Boujenah, Hugh Bonneville, Joan Plowright Directed by Anthony Hickox Emma (Natalie Press) is a successful Wall Street trader who returns to her home country of England to live in a mansion bought by her husband Henri (Matthieu Boujenah).  Gifted with a supernatural power of foresight, Emma begins having haunting visions at the mansion, but she's not sure if she's seeing the future...or the past. When her young son Thomas (Miles Ronayne) begins playing with an "imaginary" friend, Emma begins to uncover the mysterious secrets the house holds, and someone is dead set to keep the past in the past, and will stop at nothing to keep their deadly secret hidden. "Knife Edge" had a lot going for it.  An amazing set piece, some dazzling cinematography, spooky effects and an old-fashioned Hitchcockian story.  All of this should equal an amazing film if not for one thing: the leads. Natalie Press gives a ter...

A Haunted House Starring Marlon Wayans, Essence Atkins, David Koechner, Marlene Forte Directed by Michael Tiddes Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) just invited his longtime girlfriend Kisha (Essence Atkins) to move in with him, and right away strange events begin to occur in the house.  Kisha finally reveals her dark past and that is the reason the house becomes haunted.  Oh, and this is supposed to be a comedy. I said this before with my review of "The Starving Games," and I'll say it again here: The parody movie is long dead.  Classic parody stars such as Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielsen are long gone, and unfortunately so are their brilliant blend of sophisticated yet completely idiotic humor.  Now the latest parody stars focus all their attention on stupid sexual jokes which barely result in a chuckle, and the subtle nuances of the old parody films are long since evaporated.  "A Haunted House" had some laughs, but they were very far between.   I don't...

Hollow Starring Emily Plumtree, Sam Stockman, Jessica Ellerby, Matt Stokoe Directed by Michael Axelgaard Traveling to her hometown after her engagement, Emma (Emily Plumtree), her fiance Scott (Matt Stokoe), her longtime friend James (Sam Stockman) and his girlfriend Lynne (Jessica Ellerby) discover an ancient evil from a foreboding tree that's said to lure couples to commit suicide together.  Once they arrive, old flames are ignited and James, who had a past relationship with Emma and wants to get back together, will stop at nothing to see that happen. One of the few British "found footage" films delivers a decent punch.  The actors were very convincing, the story was fascinating and the ending wasn't shocking, but it was filmed in a very shocking way.  The only small issue with the film is the last half hour when everyone turns into idiots, but other than that this is a very well-crafted thriller that, even though you know the ending from the start, s...

The Last Days on Mars Starring Liev Schreiber, Elias Koteas, Romola Garai, Olivia Williams Directed by Ruairi Robinson A six month expedition on Mars is about to end, and the crew is ready to get back to Earth.  Unfortunately they discover a new life form that infects the bloodstream, causing death and re-animation.  Now the crew is fighting each other struggling to stay alive in hopes safety comes before they're all dead. This film has some amazing acting talent (Liev Schreiber, Elias Koteas, Romola Garai), and a decent story, but it's easily forgettable.  I saw this earlier today and can't remember a lot of it, except thinking that all this movie was was "Dawn of the Dead" in space.  I don't know really what could've made it better, but something was definitely missing in this tale. My Rating: C

Citadel Starring Aneurin Barnard, James Cosmo, Amy Shiels, Wunmi Mosaku Directed by Ciaran Foy Tommy (Aneurin Barnard) and his wife Joanne (Amy Shiels) are expecting their first child together, but one day Joanne is attacked by a group of hooded teens, which results in the baby being born prematurely, and causing Joanne's death. With the help of nurse Marie (Wunmi Mosaku), Tommy cares for his child alone, while suffering from agoraphobia, as he is now afraid to leave his building after the attack.  The hooded youth are still targeting him, abducting his baby.  When Tommy comes into contact with Priest (James Cosmo), he learns the deadly secret behind the hooded youth, what they really are, and how to save his baby before she becomes like them. This is one of the films I need to see a second time, because I was mildly tired watching it and I drifted off slightly here and there.  Personally I found the film to be extremely boring, with only a few exciting s...

A Haunting at Silver Falls Starring Alix Gitter, Tara Westwood, Steve Bacic, James Cavlo Directed by Brett Donowho After the death of her father, Jordan (Alix Gitter) is sent to live with her aunt Anne (Tara Westwood) and uncle Kevin (Steve Bacic).  She never knew her mother because she died when she was five, but Anne was her twin sister.  Jordan immediately falls for nerdy Larry (James Cavlo), who tells her a story of two murdered girls in Silver Falls decades ago, and Jordan then finds a ring in the woods.  After putting it on she can't get it off, and begins seeing a ghost of a girl.  The ghost helps Jordan unravel the mystery behind her and her twin sister's death, and who was really behind the murders all those years ago. I seem to have been drawn to murder mysteries by ghost films lately.  This one would've been good if it made more sense, but the director seemed to try to detract the viewer with several red herrings in the film that neve...

Munger Road Starring Bruce Davison, Trevor Morgan, Brooke Peoples, Randall Batinkoff Directed by Nicholas Smith It's only a day before a big city festival, and a serial killer escapes prison.  It's up to Chief Kirkhoven (Bruce Davison) and Deputy Hendricks (Randall Batinkoff) to find him and bring him to justice before the townsfolk get too scared to attend the festival. Meanwhile, friends Corey (Trevor Morgan), Joe (Brooke Peoples), Scott (Hallock Beals) and Rachael (Lauren Storm) travel to Munger Road to videotape supposed supernatural events.  Decades before a bus with schoolchildren stalled on the train tracks when a train hit and killed the kids.  Now the rumor is that if you drive on the tracks and turn off your car, the ghosts of the children will push the car off the tracks to safety, and Corey and Scott especially want to test this out. They get more than they bargain for when their car really does die, and it seems they're being tracked by an uns...

Death of a Ghost Hunter Starring Patti Tindall, Mike Marsh, Davina Joy, Lindsay Page Directed by Sean Tretta Carter Simms (Patti Tindall) is a ghost hunter, and is hired by Seth Masterson for $5,000 to investigate his uncle's house, where his uncle, aunt, young niece and nephew were brutally murdered back in 1982.  The house remained vacant all that time, except for a cleaning lady who keeps experiencing paranormal activity. Carter, along with filmmaker Colin (Mike Marsh) and journalist Yvette (Davina Joy) spend three nights in the house, along with religious zealot Mary (Lindsay Page), who is a member of the church started by Joseph Masterson, the man who was murdered in the house. Carter, a self-professed skeptic, has her life turned upside down when on the first night she experiences paranormal events that she can't find a reason for.  Things escalate not just with the paranormal activity, but with Mary as well, and a deadly secret around the family murder ...

The Starving Games Starring Maiara Walsh, Brant Daugherty, Cody Christian, Diedrich Bader Directed by Jason  Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer In a spoof of "The Hunger Games," Kantmiss Evershot (Maiara Walsh) takes place in the annual Starving Games in order to win her district an old ham, a Subway coupon and a partially eaten pickle. I could easily go on about the sheer stupidity of the film, or how directors Friedberg and Seltzer are double-handedly destroying the spoof genre.  Instead I'll just say that, unless you're drunk or high, steer clear of this humorless mess, and reflect on the good ole days of spoof comedy by watching classics such as "Spaceballs," "Airplane" or the "Naked Gun" series. My Rating: D-

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones Starring Andrew Jacobs, Jorge Diaz, Gabrielle Walsh, Katie Featherston Directed by Christopher Landon Jesse (Andrew Jacobs) is celebrating graduating high school with his best friend Hector (Jorge Diaz), and they're both enjoying the new camera he got for graduation.  At first the two friends play stupid pranks and fool around with the camera, but when their creepy downstairs neighbor is murdered, the two investigate the murder and stumble upon decades old secrets of witches, curses and possession that begins to take over Jesse, and an age old family secret comes to light that ties Jesse in with the witches and which could bring his own destruction. When the first "Paranormal Activity" came out, it was a phenomenon.  Personally, I didn't see the appeal.  There was a good chunk of the film where nothing happened, and then at the end everything happened.  Maybe people fell asleep and were jolted awake by the loud noises...

The Haunting of Helena Starring Harriet MacMasters-Green, Sabrina Jolie Perez, Jarreth Merz, Matt Patresi Directed by Christian Bisceglia & Ascanio Malgarini Sophia (Harriet MacMasters-Green) takes her daughter Helena (Sabrina Jolie Perez) to Italy to get away from her estranged husband Robert (Jarreth Merz).  They move into a creepy apartment and soon after Helena loses a tooth, and is visited by the tooth fairy.  Then, after a car accident, Helena loses the tooth and demands Sophia find it.  Soon after, Helena is visited by the tooth fairy a lot, demanding more teeth.  At first Sophia thinks it's just her imagination, but when she sees the tooth fairy too, she's frightened at what she wants. Sophia digs into the history of the apartment and finds that the "tooth fairy" isn't a fairy at all, but rather the spirit of a woman whose husband killed her - after removing all her teeth.  She thinks that by getting the woman's original teeth back...

The Awakening Starring Rebecca Hall, Dominic West, Imelda Staunton, Isaac Hempstead Wright Directed by Nick Murphy In England in the early 1920s, Florence Cathcart (Rebecca Hall) is a skeptic who makes a living debunking the paranormal and revealing spiritual charlatans.  She is visited one day by Robert Mallory (Dominic West), who wants her assistance in uncovering a supposed ghost at a boys' boarding school where he works.  She agrees and is met by Maud (Imelda Staunton), the school housekeeper who wanted her to come in the first place, and she begins an investigation to find a rational explanation for the supposed haunting. As she dives deeper into the history of the building - which was at first a private house - she begins to discover that there's more to the building than this haunting, and as one of the workers warned her, she should fear the living more than the dead. In the guise of "The Others," "The Awakening" is a brilliant ghost...