JoeMama's Movie Reviews

The Millennium Bug Starring John Charles Meyer, Jessica Simons, Christine Haeberman, Jon Briddell Directed by Kenneth Cran It's December 31, 1999, and paranoid father Byron (Jon Briddell) is taking his young daughter Clarissa (Christine Haeberman) and new wife Joany (Jessica Simons) into the woods to avoid any possible problems.  He thinks he's leading them to safety, but he's really leading them to death. In the woods is a hillbilly family who are looking for new blood to help create a new, non-genetically-deformed offspring.  The leader of the family, Billa (John Charles Meyer) discovers the hapless family, and kidnaps them and brings them to his house, where he intends to marry Clarissa. That, unfortunately, is the least of their concerns.  Also in the words is a strange crypto bug that comes alive every thousand years, and grows to substantial size.  It's now on the prowl, and is heading straight for the hillbilly house. The main selling point ...

23:59 Starring Tedd Chan, Henley Hii, Stella Chung, Tommy Kuan Directed by Gilbert Chan In 1983, a group of platoon soldiers are going through training, where the story of a woman who died at exactly 23:59 on the island returns every night to kill the soldiers run rampant throughout the camp. Tan (Tedd Chan) fully believes in the story because he's seen her with his own eyes, but his best friend Jeremy (Henley Hii) doesn't believe him, and neither does anyone else.  One night, Tan ends up dead, and the remaining soldiers believe it's an accident, but Jeremy fears that the ghost story might be true.  I can appreciate Asian films because of their deep-seeded culture in the supernatural and the spiritual, but unfortunately their films don't translate well in America, unless it's re-done strictly for American audiences ("The Ring," "The Grudge").  "23:59" is straight from Asia, and the supernatural part of the film isn'...

World War Z Starring Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Daniella Kertesz, James Badge Dale Directed by Marc Forester It's just an ordinary day for Gerry (Brad Pitt) and his family.  They wake up, he makes his two young daughters and wife Karin (Mireille Enos) pancakes, and gather in the family car. Then all hell literally breaks loose.  An explosion is heard, and all of a sudden a teaming load of people start charging other people in an almost animal-like instinct, pulling them out of cars and dragging them into the streets and eating them.  Then those who were victims suddenly and violently turn into the hunters, causing Gerry and his family to make a spectacular escape in a RV. No one knows how it happened, but it seems that a virus has spread that turns the undead alive, and spreads from person-to-person in breakneck speed.  Gerry is summoned to return to his old job with the United Nations to try to find a cure for this disease, sending him all over the gl...

Cherry Tree Lane Starring Rachael Blake, Tom Butcher, Jumayn Hunter, Ashley Chin Directed by Paul Williams Christine (Rachael Blake) and Michael (Tom Butcher) are an upper-middle-class husband and wife in England with a teenage son, but their marriage is on the rocks.  All of a sudden, three youth barge into their house and hold them hostage, terrorizing them and doing things to them that seem unimaginable, and it seems at first a completely random attack until the son comes home and the truth comes out. What is the truth?  I have no clue.  I spent most of the time fast forwarding through this snooze-fest.  The first three minutes of the film - literally - is a camera watching water boil.  That's it.  Then there's seven minutes of the husband and wife sitting at the dinner table mumbling extremely boring dialogue, and then the invaders enter.  Then there's more worthless dialogue, long shots of the criminals going through their DVD colle...

Identity Thief Starring Jason Bateman, Melissa McCarthy, Amanda Peet, Morris Chestnut Directed by Seth Gordon Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) is living the American dream.  He has a great job with a loving wife (Amanda Peet), two adorable children and one more on the way.  But things start going downhill for him when he finds that his boss (Jon Favereau) denied him a bonus so he could get more money, so he and his fellow co-workers decide to start their own company. Meanwhile, in Florida, con-artist Diana (Melissa McCarthy) has stolen Sandy's identity and is raking up bills on false credit cards, and was even arrested for disorderly conduct.  This news travels to Denver, where the real Sandy lives, and turns his life upside down.  His finances disappear, and the police arrest him for jumping bail in Florida.  He discovers that his identity has been stolen, but the police are powerless to help, so he travels to Florida himself to bring Diana to ju...

The Last Exorcism Part II Starring Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, David Jensen Directed by Ed Gass-Donnelly Taking place after the events from the first film, young Nell (Ashley Bell) is the lone survivor from the night of terror, and finds herself in a halfway home for troubled teens in New Orleans.  Having been believed what happened to her in the past wasn't real, she tries to lead a normal life: making real friends, getting a job, and even falling in love with a boy named Chis (Spencer Treat Clark). However, the demon Abalam won't let her go, and begins stalking her through his minions, forcing her to accept the fate he has for her - he's in love with her, and wants to have a demon baby with her that will spawn the end of the world. Seriously, that's the premise of this film.  A demon - who can never know the real meaning of love - falls in love with a human girl.  One of the most preposterous plots in any movie I've seen.  On to...

9 Miles Down Starring Adrian Paul, Kate Nauta, Amanda Douge, Yousef Amin Directed by Anthony Waller Security expert Thomas 'Jack' Jackman (Adrian Paul) is sent to a remote scientific camp in the middle of the Sahara to investigate strange disappearances of the crew.  Upon arrival it seems like it's a ghost town, with strange Satanic markings and sacrifices.  Then he meets Jennie Chrsitianson (Kate Nauta), who tells him that the crew went insane after uncovering a hole that they felt led straight to hell. At first Jack is skeptical, but he soon starts seeing delusions of his dead wife and is tormented by the demons of his past, and for him the line between reality and illusion becomes increasingly blurred, until he doesn't know what is real and what isn't, and who might be an ally, or his greatest enemy. The concept for this film comes from an urban legend in Siberia where people supposedly drilled into the Earth so deep it connected with hell and r...

After Dark Originals: Dark Circles Starring Johnathon Schaech, Pell James, Andrea Frankle, Jenn Foreman Directed by Paul Soter New parents Alex (Johnathon Schaech) and Penny (Pell James) decide to move out of the big city and into a house in the suburbs so they could keep their child better protected.  As soon as they move in, though, things start going wrong.  They both start seeing a mysterious woman, there is heavy construction next door that keeps them awake during the day, and their baby suffers from a disease where it confuses day and night, so it spends all night crying, keeping them up at night. As the days of sleeplessness catches up with them, they both seemingly hallucinate the woman in their house, and begins to act carelessly with the baby, almost injuring him on multiple occasions.  Is this mysterious woman real?  A ghost?  Or a figment of their sleep-deprived brains? The concept was an interesting one, and something I'm sure every...

Smile Starring Harriet MacMasters-Green, Armand Assante, Antonio Cupo, Robert Capelli Directed by Francesco Gasperoni Clarissa (Harriet MacMasters-Green) and her friends are taking a trip in Morocco to head to the Atlas Mountains, which are supposedly haunted.  She is a professional photographer and her camera gets stolen by a gypsy, so she goes to town to buy a new camera, and comes upon a small store run by Tollinger (Armand Assante), who gives her a camera free of charge. She starts taking pictures of her friends and soon discovers the truth from a mysterious hunter in the woods - the camera is evil, and whoever she takes a picture of ends up dying.  Soon her friends begin dying one-by-one, and it's to Clarissa to discover the magic behind the camera and how to stop it before it kills them all. I feel like I've heard this concept before.  Seriously, I know I've heard of stories where a camera steals a person's soul - I believe it's an Asian belie...

Warm Bodies Starring Nicholas Hoult, Teresa Palmer, John Malkovich, Dave Franco Directed by Jonathan Levine R (Nicholas Hoult) is quite an unusual zombie.  He can't remember becoming a zombie, but he has his mental capacity about him, and he knows enough what he is, and he doesn't like it.  He spends his days randomly roaming an abandoned airport, and his nights in an airplane equipped with several trinkets he's taken, along with an old style record player that he plays music from.  Meanwhile, in the walled-up city, Julie (Teresa Palmer), her boyfriend Perry (Dave Franco) and some friends are sent on a mission by her father, Grigio (John Malkovich) to venture out into the zombie-ridden city for medical supplies.  While gaining the supplies, R and his zombie friends are randomly walking about and come upon the group, and R ends up killing Perry and eating his brain, which gives him the ability to see Perry's life.  As Perry's moments flash before R'...

Dark Skies Starring Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton, JK Simmons, Dakota Goyo Directed by Scott Stewart The Barrett family is your typical all-American family.  The mother, Lacy (Keri Russell) works as a realtor; her husband Daniel (Josh Hamilton) is recently unemployed; their thirteen year old son Jesse (Dakota Goyo) is going through the typical hormonal changes, and youngest son Sammy (Kaden Rockett) is just enjoying life.  All seems pleasant and comfortable. Then one night Lacy goes downstairs and sees the refrigerator had been broken into, and all the lettuce was gone (but the bacon was still intact, a first sign that this is no male intruder).  Then all her kitchen supplies have been stacked in an odd manor (which could make the intruder a female, because of all the kitchen supplies in the open). Then things start getting really weird.  Sammy spaces out, Daniel walks out into the darkness and suffers nosebleeds, Lacy has time lapses where she ban...