The Fabulous Four

 The Fabulous Four
Starring Susan Sarandon, Bette Midler, Megan Mullally, Sheryl Lee Ralph
Directed by Jocelyn Moorhouse

To say there's no disparaging between older actors and actresses in Hollywood is a blatant lie. When you have the likes of Morgan Freeman, Tom Cruise, Clint Eastwood, Harrison Ford, Anthony Hopkins and the like still starring in major action films or awards-worthy period pieces while former leading ladies like Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda, Sally Field, Lily Tomlin and Candice Bergen are relegated to cheap, uninspired, unfunny "lifelong friends" films. These cheap dime-store movies like "80 for Brady," "Poms," "Book Club," and the somehow-greenlit "Book Club: The Next Chapter" barely make any money, and, what's worse, makes a laughingstock of some of cinema's most iconic leading ladies. 2024 itself has seen two of these disastrous subgenre films: "Summer Camp" (once again featuring Keaton, and this time dragging Oscar-winner Kathy Bates and Alfre Woodard down as well) and "The Fabulous Four" which initiates the likes of the Divine Miss M Bette Midler, Susan Sarandon, Megan Mullally and Sheryl Lee Ralph into this dying subgenre. As with all the others, this is a hodgepodge of sentimentality, old grudges, new adventures, "comedy" (as I use quotations there), and something about the importance of never feeling old or something stupid like that.

Marilyn (Bette Midler) is a recent widower who's about to get married again in Key West and invites her best friends to fly down there to be a part of the wedding, including pot farmer Kitty (Sheryl Lee Ralph) and musician Alice (Megan Mullally). Marilyn's lifelong best friend, Lou (Susan Sarandon) is estranged after Marilyn stole her man forty years earlier, but Kitty and Alice convince her to go with them under the guise that Lou won a prize at the Hemingway House to take home one of his famous six-towed cats. Yet once she founds out the real reason, she doesn't want to stick around, but does so anyway, leading to numerous confrontations both humorous and heartfelt as the four friends prepare for a new wedding.

Sometimes I feel like a savoir of my friends, as I watch films like this so they don't have to. It's a daunting task, sitting through what I felt like watching five "Avengers: Endgame" length movies when in reality it was only like 94 minutes, but still it felt like I was being punished for some unforseen sin. This was a complete and utter mess, a pointless R-rated film (for the F-bomb being dropped a few times and nothing more) that has no redeemable qualities and squanders the talent of these four leading ladies that deserve so much better than this.

Much like with the other films in this subgenre, the actresses are relegated to their elder stereotypes. Bette Midler's Marilyn is the leader who doesn't fully comprehend social media (as she constantly talks about being on TikTok yet having hardly any views and her videos being trash - so essentially it's like killing her career twice in one movie) and who doesn't feel remorse for anything. Susan Sarandon's Lou is the intelligent, mindful one who holds a decades-long grudge against Marilyn for stealing her man (which, to be fair, she actually did). Sheryl Lee Ralph is the grandmother with a heart for her family but also has some witty moments and is also a pot farmer, and Megan Mullally is the carefree overly-sexualized drug user without a care in the world. That's all there is to these characters and all we'll ever get out of them, and again, it's such a waste.

The editing in the film is choppy to say the least, as the film goes from moment to moment with no real point and characters acting out of...well...character in these moments. One scene Marilyn and Lou are besties again, and the next they're not. One moment Kitty and Alice are reprimanding Marilyn for her attitude, and the next they're getting along like nothing happened. It's a whiplash effect of segments that feel like pilot episodes for a TV series that never got off the ground edited together in a Frankenstein's Monster sort of way.

The jokes never land and leave more groans than guffaws, as the set pieces are supposed to be designed to illicit laughter but fail to do so. Lou hits a robber with a sexual aid! Hilarious! But not really. Kitty, Marilyn and Alice are parasailing when the rope detaches from the boat and they're floating adrift! So funny! But not. Kitty knows a male stripper! OMG hilarity! Nah. Alice is getting high! So classic! Nope. My eyes were rolling so much I was worried they'd fall out and someone would try to play pool with them, so I would oftentimes shield my eyes from that happening - not from the spectacular failure occurring on screen, I promise.

By the end I was sitting there in deep contemplation, wondering which movie was worse..."The Fabulous Four" or "The Fantastic Four" remake that came out a few years earlier. The debate lives on.

The Score: D-