Borderlands

Borderlands
Starring Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Ariana Greenblatt
Directed by Eli Roth

I've never played Borderlands so I went into this movie with a complete lack of knowledge of the lore or characters or even the underlying theme of the game. I went in with extremely low expectations because I heard how bad the movie was, even though I tried to defend it earlier by saying no film with two acclaimed, Academy Award-winning actresses would be that awful. Not only did it meet my low expectations, but it somehow exceeded how low they were for it, as "Borderlands" ended up being a complete snoozefest, a generic action movie in every sense of the word, and wasted the talent of the prestigious actors starring in it.

Lilth (Cate Blanchett) is a bounty hunter assigned by the powerful leader of Atlas to track down his kidnapped daughter Tina (Ariana Greenblatt) who was abducted by rogue agent Roland (Kevin Hart) on the planet called Pandora where everyone is searching for the fabled Vault that would open unknown technology. Shortly after landing on the planet she's befriended by a robot named Claptrap (Jack Black) that seems tasked with protecting her, and after a confrontation with Roland she learns that Atlas wants to use Tina as a means to enter the Vault and doesn't care about her, so she joins them to get Tina to safety. Together with Tina's hulking bodyguard Krieg (Florian Munteanu) and Tannis (Jamie Lee Curtis), Lilith and company work to escape the planet and prevent Atlas from getting his hands on Tina.

"Borderlands" is an absolutely generic piece of action cinema that not-so-obviously points to a more successful film franchise that is easily comparable if you take a few seconds to think about it. The movie itself is a paint-by-numbers film where you have:
A ragtag group of people who by all means shouldn't come together but do for a common goal;
A world filled with dangers at every corner;
Misunderstandings and mistrusts that lead them in the wrong direction;
Fakeout moments that are supposed to have you feeling concern for a particular character, even though you know they're perfectly fine;
A not-so-obvious twist that can be seen a mile away but somehow is supposed to make the audiences gasp in shock;
Action sequences cut so terribly it's like watching "Alone in the Dark" all over again;
A quest to find three MacGuffins that together would open a magical door;
A final conclusion where everyone ends up happy.

That's it. That's "Borderlands." It's as if Eli Roth didn't even care about the product (which isn't entirely true as I'll explain later) but rather just wanted to capitalize on an already established IP to get people in the seats - and judging from its fourth place opening, that didn't work in their favor.

What happened with the film is what happens with every possibly great movie: studio interference. Eli Roth is best known for directing gross-out horror like "Hostel" and "Cabin Fever," and he wanted to make "Borderlands" an R-rated gorefest (which, so I've heard, is how the game is like), but the studio wanted to cut it down to a PG-13 rating so teens could flood the cinema, so the film went through extensive re-shoots (so much so that the original composer Nathan Barr was replaced by Steve Jablonsky because the entire tone of the film was changed so dramatically). The result is a bland "Guardians of the Galaxy" wannabe where even the actors themselves didn't seem to care about the product. To this end I don't blame Roth at all, but the studio heads who have no knowledge of what actual people like but want to impose their will on the people to tell them what they do like - and this time it didn't work.

Throughout the movie I found comparisons to the "Guardians of the Galaxy" team to the "Borderlands" team (some were more of a stretch, but I think I made it work). We got the rebellious leader Roland (Star-Lord) played by Kevin Hart, who surprisingly doesn't act like Kevin Hart in this movie. Normally he's the comedic relief who makes fun of his height and rambles on, but here he's actually coherent and strong, albeit a bit boring (he actually looked bored through most of it, to be honest).

Then there's the fiercest warrior in the galaxy, Lilth (Gamora) played by Academy Award-winner Cate Blanchett who I still wonder how much money Roth put under her nose to have her agree to do this. She opens the film with a voice-over narration that shows her distaste for the film, as her soulless delivery is the tonal opposite of her strong voice-over opening of "The Lord of the Rings." She's the intergalactic bounty hunter who always catches her prey, always stays one step ahead, and enters guns blazing.

Then you got Tina (Mantis) and Krieg (Drax), played by Ariana Greenblatt and Florian Munteanu. Tina is a wild child who loves explosives and Krieg is her dutiful bodyguard who's all muscle and no brains. Greenblatt at least gets a couple shining moments of character growth that you don't see anywhere else, but those moments are way too few and far between.

Then there's Claptrap (Rocket), voiced by Jack Black, who serves as the comedic relief of the film. I actually find myself chuckling a bit with his delivery, but he goes way over the top too many times. It's like he knows he's in this dumpster fire of a movie and tries desperately to salvage it.

The film itself isn't too bad to look at, as Pandora (seriously, why is every sci-fi movie have a planet named Pandora?) looks like a "Mad Max" style wasteland that's a decent mix of practical and CGI, so the film has that going for it I guess. Otherwise it's unmemorable and stale, with an overly rushed ending where I had a few questions, but didn't care enough to open my laptop and type them out. Better calling this movie "Snoozerlands."

The Score: D