Worst2First: Ranking the 137 Films I Saw in 2022 Part 2: The Worst Ten of 2022

 

Worst2First: 

Ranking the 137 Films I Saw in 2022 

Part 2: The Worst Ten of 2022

While 2022 was a big year for films in both the theater and streaming, there was your share of stinkers as well. Films that were highly anticipated but fell short of expectations, those that were lacking that special something, and those that literally just stunk.

So here are my top ten worst films of 2022...

**THERE WILL BE NO SPOILERS**

#10

Choose or Die

2022 was a great year for horror, so a film like "Choose or Die" was highly disappointing, to say the least. The film focuses on a cursed video game from the 80s that demands players to choose between two terrible outcomes or die if they don't choose either, and while this seems like a "Saw"-like delve into body horror, it's rather humdrum and not exciting at all, with a bland cast and even blander kills despite its strong premise.

#9

Deep Water

An erotic thriller that would've fared better in the 90s when it reached it zenith, "Deep Water" is a rather lukewarm affair featuring Ben Affleck and Ana de Aras who, despite the fact that they dated during production, had absolutely no chemistry on screen (probably why afterward he went on to marry Jennifer Lopez, finally). Directed by "Fatal Attraction" director Adrian Lyne after a long hiatus, "Deep Water" focused on an unconventional love story between a married couple where the wife continually cheats in public, and the husband kills her other paramours. Unexciting and unoriginal, this overly-long snooze-fest dragged on much longer than it should have.

#8

The Invitation

You're cordially invited to forego this bland, PG-13 bloodless vampire film that tries hard to be something different, but ultimately resorts to its traditional tropes. Starring "Game of Thrones" star Nathalie Emmanuel, "The Invitation" centers on a young woman who travels overseas to find long-lost relatives and finds herself being stalked by vampires who want to make her the new bride. Predictable, cheap CGI, and wooden performances don't do this film any favors, and by the time you reach the "twist," you're already embarrassed for the film.

#7

Dashcam

When the demons, devil worshipers and crazies are the highlight of the film, you know you have a problem. "Dashcam" is a typical "found footage" style film centering on Annie Hardy, who plays a fictionalized version of herself, as she travels to London to visit her friend and finds herself the unwitting (keyword unwitting) victim of a cult as she carries a willing victim to their clutches. It wouldn't have been so bad but Annie's whole character was irritating and grating from the start, playing an over-the-top right-wing nutjob and only escalates the annoyances from there, where you're left hoping she doesn't make it to the end.

#6

Firestarter

Choosing a Stephen King novel to make into a film is a mixed bag at best, as his work has led to fantastic films like "The Shining," Misery," "It," and "Doctor Sleep," but also clunkers like "Maximum Overdrive," "The Dark Tower," and "Dreamcatcher." "Firestarter" was a Drew Barrymore-led 1984 film that fell somewhere in the middle, so it was a surprise they chose this to remake in 2022, with the result being a more fond appreciation for the original due to the remake's total lack of...spark. A bland story about a girl with the ability to access fire felt like it should've been a television special instead of the big screen affair, as the effects, performances, and overall feel felt like something relegated to a smaller medium.

#5

Cheaper by the Dozen

This re-remake of the classic 1948 semi-autobiographical novel finds a modern-day spin on the nuclear family. Zach Braff and Gabrielle Union star as a recently married couple who now share their ten children together as they move to a new town and come into contact with people who oppose their mixed-race marriage and unruly children. While this could've been a great opportunity to blend humor with an important message, "Cheaper by the Dozen" fails on both ends, being not at all funny and glossing over the more important issues of the day, culminating in a "why did they bother?" feel.

#4

They/Them

The idea of a gay conversion camp is terrifying on its own, but throw in a masked killer and the ingredients are all there for an unforgettable, horrifying camp slasher film akin to "Friday the 13th" (it even has Kevin Bacon!). Yet "They/Them" failed to deliver the thrills and chills, and while it was admirable to bring in an entirely LGBTQ+ cast of teens, both the real-life horror and the slasher horror elements were invisible, and instead the most horrifying moment was the "Glee" style breakout into Pink's song "Perfect," which this film is far from.

#3

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

It'd a lie to say that any of the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" sequels are any good (apart from the wacky deviation of the second film), so hopes weren't already high for a new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" film, but when it was revealed they were bringing back legacy character Sally (acting by a new actress, since the original actress passed away), there was a small ray of hope that it'll follow the 2018 "Halloween" by bringing back the OG heroine. That light was quickly extinguished as Sally's character wasn't even utilized, the main characters were a group of insufferable Gen-Zers who wants to turn an abandoned town into a utopia for representation (why anyone would want to travel to a small town in the middle of nowhere is beyond me), and the only somewhat decent moment was the brutal bus massacre, at least living up to the title "massacre."

#2

After Ever Happy

A year without an "After" film on the worst film list would be like a Christmas without presents, but the fourth (FOURTH) outing of the lovelorn adventures of Tessa and Hardin is by far the worst (and that's saying a lot), as the gaslighting, the manipulations, and the lack of any actual chemistry continues to show a less intelligent audience that this is what love really looks like (spoiler: it isn't). For this outing, as with the previous four, Tessa and Hardin fight, make up, make love, fight some more, fight other people, and manipulate each other into believing that they really love one another and act like they're literally the only people in the world. Two more sequels ahead proves that God has indeed abandoned us, but at least I have one spot saved on the worst list for the next two years.

AND NOW THE WORST FILM OF 2022...

A FILM THAT I'M SURE NO ONE HAS EVEN HEARD OF...

#1

Unfavorable Odds

Everything about this film feels like it was made back in the 90s and then before being released some modern-day hero took it and buried it in a deep, deep hole until 2022 when some guy's dog accidentally dug it up and they thought it'd be a laugh to put it on screen, but no one was laughing. The film is an exercise on misogyny to the highest level and would've set #metoo back decades if anyone other than a handful of unfortunate souls saw it (it doesn't even have a Wikipedia page). The concept centers around a man who mistreats his wife so badly he bets his philandering best friend that he couldn't seduce her, and goes about showing her the respect that her husband hasn't - but only because he made a bet to do it, making the wife nothing more than a prize to be attained. Soulfully devoid of any humor, shot on lackluster cameras, and focusing on classic comedy tropes to try to illicit some laughs (such as the husband who, after stalking his wife and his friend, hides behind a newspaper), "Unfavorable Odds" lives up to its name on every level, as the odds are very unfavorable anyone would look upon this favorably.