The Devil Conspiracy
The Devil Conspiracy
Starring Alice Orr-Ewing, Joe Doyle, Eveline Hall, Joe Anderson
Directed by Nathan Frankowski
Starring Alice Orr-Ewing, Joe Doyle, Eveline Hall, Joe Anderson
Directed by Nathan Frankowski
2023 is guaranteed to be a unique year in cinema, as we're going to be treated to films featuring a bear hopped up on cocaine, a live-action movie centering on one of America's most famous toy dolls, and a killer Winnie the Pooh, so why not include a film where Satan and his devil-worshiping biotech company who clones the likes of Vivaldi and Michelangelo into babies and sells them for profit steals the Shroud of Torin to clone Jesus's DNA so the cloned baby can be inhabited by the spirit of Lucifer and reborn and also have the Archangel Michael inhabit the dying body of a priest who goes on a Terminator-like quest to prevent this from happening after a non-believer is injected with the sperm of Satan and forced into solitude to give birth by a crazy old woman sounds just about right for the craziness of 2023 - if only the film was half as interesting as this elongated sentence made it out to be.
After the Archangel Michael (Peter Mensah) imprisoned Lucifer (Joe Anderson) in his own private Hell, his believers erected a compound on the mountain where he's chained below, and attempt after attempt to bring him back to life on earth has been in vain because no one is capable of holding the gestating reincarnation of Satan in their womb, so they device a plan: use the DNA from the Shroud of Torin to copy Jesus's DNA and use that to impregnate a woman while also injecting Satan in her as well. Satan's demonic follower Liz (Eveline Hall) manages to steal the Shroud before killing Father Marconi (Joe Doyle) and taking his friend, atheist artist Laura (Alice Orr-Ewing) prisoner. As he lay dying, Father Marconi invited Michael to use his body to stop the events from happening, and that's what Michael does - meanwhile Laura is chosen to be a host for the yet-unborn-reborn Satan who's been infused with Jesus's DNA, and she struggles with preventing it from happening while also growing a fondness for the child inside her.
Again, it sounds like a bonkers, fun, nonsensical adventure through the throngs of faulty theology and 80s style action, but none of that is really present in the ALMOST TWO HOUR LONG SNOOZEFEST that is "The Devil Conspiracy." If it really attempted to dive into one or the other it would've been a great crappy film, but it slogs on so slowly it feels almost like we're in our own literal hell watching it. That's not to say this is without its..."charms"...but not even those few fleeting moments of outlandish inconsistencies could save this from the depths of its own private torture.
Think of it as a mix of "Rosemary's Baby," "The Omen," "The Exorcist," "The Terminator," and "The Boys From Brazil," but take out all of the good things that each film provides, and you got "The Devil Conspiracy." The film starts off strong with a dizzying CGI spectacle centering on the fight between Michael and Lucifer, and there was hope that the entire film would follow suit, but sadly that's not to be. Instead the film is spent spinning its wheels and dividing its time between several stories that ultimately have no complete conclusion save for the fact that it sets itself up for a sequel that no one in their right (religious) mind would ever ask for.
Tragically the most interesting parts are the ones that are focused on the least, and that's with the depiction of hell that director Nathan Frankowski tries to build which is different than what we've thought of with hell: instead of all red, fire, and brimstone, it's bleak, colorless, and surprisingly lacks fire. It's a place where demons fly around and people are hiding out for some reason, and the CGI is so awfully bad it's comical but also satisfying in a dull sort of way. The makeup is practical which I can always appreciate, but again it's of little consequence because there's so little time devoted to this much more interesting story.
Then there's the reincarnation of Michael in the body of Father Marconi (which I already misspelled once as Macaroni, and I thought about leaving it like that), and his quest to stop the re-birth of his formidable foe. Why he doesn't just come down in his angelic (and much more stronger) form is beyond me, but maybe it's so we can delight in his unique idiosyncrasies such as not knowing how to drive (after commenting on the poorness of priests when he realizes the car he's taking is the worst of the bunch), or not understanding how a pump-action shotgun works either. This Michael inside Father Macaroni still acts like the Terminator in some moments, such as running at full speed to stop a car or donning a biker jacket, but then shifts to being an almost helpless human who, again, made me wonder why he didn't just take the spiritual form rather than a corporeal one. When he finally reaches Laura, however, things become more bland and confusing, leaving Michael inside Macaroni as a side character that he wasn't before.
Finally there's Laura's story, which is the main brunt of the film, and also has its own unique moments. She's an atheist who is the perfect host for Satan and struggles with the infant inside her as well as continually fighting with Lucifer's right-hand-woman Liz who she wants to kill more than anything, leading to a wholly comical moment between the two where her body is being used by Satan (even though he's not born yet, don't ask) who takes over her after she tries to guzzle Clorox to kill the Satan/Jesus hybrid baby inside her (because, you know, evil compounds needs their toilets cleaned as well) tackle Liz to the ground and throw up in her face before she laments that she wished she was Laura or something like that. Again, bonkers, but unfortunately the entire film wasn't as crazy as that one bright shining moment.
On its head it seems like a totally preposterous idea for Satan to have: be born into the world using the DNA of Jesus to do so - and maybe it does make sense if you think of Satan as a total idiot. Or maybe the idiots are those unlucky enough to watch this film, because that's how we're treated - like we're idiots for wasting our time. Maybe we are, or maybe it's a cautionary tale that if you're going to go bonkers for 2023, go all in, and not just halfway.
The Score: D-
After the Archangel Michael (Peter Mensah) imprisoned Lucifer (Joe Anderson) in his own private Hell, his believers erected a compound on the mountain where he's chained below, and attempt after attempt to bring him back to life on earth has been in vain because no one is capable of holding the gestating reincarnation of Satan in their womb, so they device a plan: use the DNA from the Shroud of Torin to copy Jesus's DNA and use that to impregnate a woman while also injecting Satan in her as well. Satan's demonic follower Liz (Eveline Hall) manages to steal the Shroud before killing Father Marconi (Joe Doyle) and taking his friend, atheist artist Laura (Alice Orr-Ewing) prisoner. As he lay dying, Father Marconi invited Michael to use his body to stop the events from happening, and that's what Michael does - meanwhile Laura is chosen to be a host for the yet-unborn-reborn Satan who's been infused with Jesus's DNA, and she struggles with preventing it from happening while also growing a fondness for the child inside her.
Again, it sounds like a bonkers, fun, nonsensical adventure through the throngs of faulty theology and 80s style action, but none of that is really present in the ALMOST TWO HOUR LONG SNOOZEFEST that is "The Devil Conspiracy." If it really attempted to dive into one or the other it would've been a great crappy film, but it slogs on so slowly it feels almost like we're in our own literal hell watching it. That's not to say this is without its..."charms"...but not even those few fleeting moments of outlandish inconsistencies could save this from the depths of its own private torture.
Think of it as a mix of "Rosemary's Baby," "The Omen," "The Exorcist," "The Terminator," and "The Boys From Brazil," but take out all of the good things that each film provides, and you got "The Devil Conspiracy." The film starts off strong with a dizzying CGI spectacle centering on the fight between Michael and Lucifer, and there was hope that the entire film would follow suit, but sadly that's not to be. Instead the film is spent spinning its wheels and dividing its time between several stories that ultimately have no complete conclusion save for the fact that it sets itself up for a sequel that no one in their right (religious) mind would ever ask for.
Tragically the most interesting parts are the ones that are focused on the least, and that's with the depiction of hell that director Nathan Frankowski tries to build which is different than what we've thought of with hell: instead of all red, fire, and brimstone, it's bleak, colorless, and surprisingly lacks fire. It's a place where demons fly around and people are hiding out for some reason, and the CGI is so awfully bad it's comical but also satisfying in a dull sort of way. The makeup is practical which I can always appreciate, but again it's of little consequence because there's so little time devoted to this much more interesting story.
Then there's the reincarnation of Michael in the body of Father Marconi (which I already misspelled once as Macaroni, and I thought about leaving it like that), and his quest to stop the re-birth of his formidable foe. Why he doesn't just come down in his angelic (and much more stronger) form is beyond me, but maybe it's so we can delight in his unique idiosyncrasies such as not knowing how to drive (after commenting on the poorness of priests when he realizes the car he's taking is the worst of the bunch), or not understanding how a pump-action shotgun works either. This Michael inside Father Macaroni still acts like the Terminator in some moments, such as running at full speed to stop a car or donning a biker jacket, but then shifts to being an almost helpless human who, again, made me wonder why he didn't just take the spiritual form rather than a corporeal one. When he finally reaches Laura, however, things become more bland and confusing, leaving Michael inside Macaroni as a side character that he wasn't before.
Finally there's Laura's story, which is the main brunt of the film, and also has its own unique moments. She's an atheist who is the perfect host for Satan and struggles with the infant inside her as well as continually fighting with Lucifer's right-hand-woman Liz who she wants to kill more than anything, leading to a wholly comical moment between the two where her body is being used by Satan (even though he's not born yet, don't ask) who takes over her after she tries to guzzle Clorox to kill the Satan/Jesus hybrid baby inside her (because, you know, evil compounds needs their toilets cleaned as well) tackle Liz to the ground and throw up in her face before she laments that she wished she was Laura or something like that. Again, bonkers, but unfortunately the entire film wasn't as crazy as that one bright shining moment.
On its head it seems like a totally preposterous idea for Satan to have: be born into the world using the DNA of Jesus to do so - and maybe it does make sense if you think of Satan as a total idiot. Or maybe the idiots are those unlucky enough to watch this film, because that's how we're treated - like we're idiots for wasting our time. Maybe we are, or maybe it's a cautionary tale that if you're going to go bonkers for 2023, go all in, and not just halfway.
The Score: D-
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