#Xmas

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#Xmas
Starring Clare Bowen, Brant Daughtery, Anna Van Hooft, Karen Kruper
Directed by Heather Hawthorne-Doyle

Going through the holiday season while maintaining the new tradition of watching three Hallmark Christmas movies is always an adventure, as I always turn off my critical mind and try to find something to enjoy about them, even though they're absolutely the same story told in different packaging every time. I have to hand it to them in their unique ability to churn out these movies time and time again while making each one a tad bit different than the others, even though they all follow the same formula. That being said, "#Xmas" is easily the worst Hallmark Christmas movie I've seen due to numerous factors that'll be discussed (but not in great length, because why waste time?) here.

Jen (Clare Bowen) is a designer and co-owner of a local home and lifestyle store with her sister Ali (Anna Van Hooft), and she is rather jaded in the respect of life in general. The store is struggling, and their social media presence is non-existent, and that's when Ali gets the bright idea of entering Jen in a contest held by social media influencers and married couple Zoe (Lillian Doucet-Roche) and Charlie (Sebastian Stewart), but to do so Jen has to take on the persona of a wife and mother - two things she's missing in real life. Jen eventually agrees and drags her best friend Max (Brant Daughtery) and Ali's newborn to play her family, and their audition tape gets Zoe's attention. As they continue their charade, Jen's anxiety escalates, especially when her estranged mother Liz (Karen Kruper) arrives and wants to be a part of the act. Then Zoe and Charlie pay a surprise visit, leading the charade the last even longer, but Max starts feeling that this fake marriage could actually work - but Jen is hesitant, and it's her hesitancy that threatens to unravel the entire charade like a jumbled up string of Christmas lights.

What makes "#Xmas" so bad is so many different things, and it'd be easier to focus on the positives...the set designs are beautiful. So, kudos.

Now to the negatives *deep breath*. The Photoshop efforts of showing a cell phone with the viral videos next to the characters is hilariously bad. The chemistry between Jen and Max is as strong as the chemistry between a brick wall and a snail. The film tries to incorporate several stories without fully flushing anything out: is it about Jen finding herself? Jen finding love with Max? Jen dealing with her inability to love due to her father dying at a young age and her mother re-marrying several times? Jen's mother being a glory hound? Jen's mother actually trying to help? Max wanting a real relationship and acting lessons? Jen needing acting lessons? The strained relationship between Zoe and Charlie? The store's weak sales? Nuclear global conflict? Who knows. Who cares?

Clare Bowen has absolutely no acting talent whatsoever, as she trudges through the film muttering her lines in a way that you need subtitles to understand what she's saying. Jen is the most unlikable Hallmark lead character as she's pessimistic about everything for no real good reason, but when needed she's more optimistic than she should. When she tries to emote emotions, it's like the episode of "American Dad" where Roger wanted to be an actor, but couldn't cry on cue. Her facial expressions are hilariously bad and over-the-top. She has no chemistry with anyone in the cast, and looks like she's having an utterly miserable time - and so do we having to trudge through it.

Brant Daughtery, God bless his heart, at least makes an attempt to salvage anything remotely enjoyable, but not even his natural charisma could gloss over the weak script and even weaker co-lead. Lillian Doucet-Roche and Sebastian Stewart lead duel lives as the apparent perfect married couple on social media but facing real-life divorce because...reasons? At least their lack of chemistry is explained that way. The only thing we know about Anna Van Hooft's Ali is that she's Jen's sister, co-runs a business, and doesn't sleep due to a crying baby. Karen Kruper's Liz is the most enjoyable part of the film, but that's saying a root canal without anesthesia is enjoyable.

Instead of calling this "#Xmas," I have some different hashtag names for it: #WhyWasteYourTime. #RatherWatchPaintDry. #VomitrociousHolidaySquabble. #JustMakingUpWordsBecauseItsMoreEntertaining. #PleaseForTheLoveOfGodEndThisNow. #ApocalypseComeQuickly.

The Score: D

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