After Ever Happy

 

After Ever Happy
Starring Josephine Langford, Hero Fiennes Tiffin, Ali Asghar Shah, Louise Lombard
Directed by Castille Landon

*IN HONOR OF "OPPOSITE DAY" (WHICH IS A DAY I JUST MADE UP), I WILL BE REVIEWING "AFTER EVER HAPPY" AS IF IT WAS, IN FACT, OPPOSITE DAY*

From the dawn of cinematic creation there's been a longing, a need, a desire to find that "perfect" film - a film that's undeniably the definition of perfection, with not one single moment where you're left wondering what the heck is actually happening or why is this even in existence, but thankful to the high heavens above that such a masterclass of cinema was made. Scholars, historians, and critics alike throughout the decades have given up on ever finding this Midas Touch film, but they were all losers - they didn't hold out hope, thinking the impossible was unattainable, but now it's here. The perfect film. The film that redefines cinema in general, makes you ponder the deep philosophical quandaries of the universe, and will make you want to gouge out your own eyeballs after the credits roll because you'll be afraid that your eyes will be tainted afterward because nothing on earth or the eternal beauty of the heavens could ever compare to the visual wonder you just witnessed. And that film is "After Ever Happy."

After discovering that the father he thought he had growing up wasn't actually him and that his real father was a man that his mother slept with before and is now your girlfriend's boss, Hardin Scott (Hero Fiennes Tiffin) does what comes naturally to him - try to set his mother's house on fire. His longsuffering girlfriend Tessa (Josephine Langford) tries to stop him, but he sets fire to the rain and escapes with Tessa after his "father not the father" (Stephen Langford) arrives to take the blame. The two make love and argue, over and over again, until Tessa returns home to an unimaginable family tragedy that pulls Hardin back home and back to her arms, until they fight again, and Tessa moves to New York to start a new life despite Hardin telling her she shouldn't. Yet fate won't stop these two from being together as Hardin travels to New York and she discovers his real reason for coming to the Big Apple that once again threatens to derail their relationship.

I really made an attempt to describe the visual wonder I beheld, but found that no words could do it justice. There's not a language either in history or the future that would ever begin to describe the wonderful piece of art I observed with my undeserving eyeballs. Ever since we lost six of the seven ancient wonders of the world, we've been seeking to find a suitable companion for the Great Pyramid of Giza, and now we've found it in "After Ever Happy." Not only should "After Ever Happy" win every single Oscar in every single category, but it should also form its own awards show just to recognize everyone's saintly work to craft such a holy piece of wonder. Let's dissect how this unforgettable film should earn big Oscar gold:

Best Picture:
Return to your mutiverse "Everything Everywhere All at Once." Drown yourself "Avatar: The Way of Water." Fly away "Top Gun: Maverick." Scream all you want "The Banshees of Inisherin." Nothing compares to "After Ever Happy" in this category.

Best Director:
Steven Spielberg bows to the feet of Castille Landon. James Cameron only wishes he had the amount of talent Castille has in his pinky finger.

Best Actress:
When Meryl Streep herself calls Josephine Langford and tells her that her performance was the best thing she's ever seen and she only wished she hadn't turned down the role, you know not even Michelle Yeoh or Michelle Williams, or even Cate Blanchett, could hold a candle to her performance.

Best Actor:
As Josephine Langford was receiving praise from Meryl Streep, Hero Fiennes Tiffin was receiving the same call from Daniel Day Lewis, who literally got on his knees and wept in pure wonder at his tremendous tour-de-force performance. His uncles Joseph and Ralph once again begged him to lose the "Tiffin" name so he can carry on their legendary acting dynasty.

Best Supporting Actress:
Louise Lombard's Trish is the best supporting actress in any decade, as she plays the dutiful friend of Tessa who listens to her whining and is always so supportive. Not even Jamie Lee Curtis or Kerry Condon could compare.

Best Supporting Actor:
Stephen Moyer's Christian is the most complex supporting actor character ever written in history as he deals with Hardin's discovery of him being his real daddy and the aftermath of his affair being revealed to Trish. It moved me to so many tears I filled three two-gallon jugs of water.

Best Adapted Screenplay:
Having to bring the highly sophisticated and nuanced work of the greatest author of our time - Anna Todd - to the big screen is no small feat, but Sharon Soboil should receive sainthood for accomplishing this monumental feat. By showcasing what it truly means to be in love with someone like the unforgettable love story between Tessa and Hardin, it's something that needs to be appreciated and celebrated in all its gaslighting, manipulative glory.

It's almost impossible to put into words the beauty, the wonder, the majesty and the magic that "After Ever Happy" is, and I find myself repeating the same words because I cannot adequately describe how utterly amazing and perfect this film is. Much like the first word in the title, there will forever be two divisions in my life: Before watching "After Ever Happy" and of course After watching "After Ever Happy."

The Score: A+++++++++


*NOW OPPOSITE DAY IS OVER*

Wow. This movie was pure filth. Not even worth watching once.

The REAL Score: D-