Cheaper by the Dozen

 

Cheaper by the Dozen
Starring Gabrielle Union, Zach Braff, Erika Christensen, Timon Kyle Durrett
Directed by Gail Lerner

The original source material for the oft-remade "Cheaper by the Dozen" came from a novel written back in 1948 by authors Frank Bunker Gilbreth and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey, which was a semi-autobiographical novel written by two siblings who grew up with ten fellow siblings and their adventures and their childhoods. The novel was made into the classic 1950 film by the same title, and then re-made in 2003 starring Steve Martin, which most people remember it from, despite it's mundane premise and watered-down story for the sake of mediocre comedy. After the disastrous sequel, many thought this franchise had run out of steam, but count on the Mickey Mouse network to turn what was once a beloved family classic (*cough* "Home Sweet Home Alone" *cough*), resurrect it like Frankenstein's monster and produce another film to draw in people who remembered the original so fondly. The result - much like last year's "HSHA" - is another soulless endeavor that's supposed to, I think anyway, be an emotional and fun journey for a blended large family, but instead should've had it's name changed to "Cringier by the Dozen," which I know isn't a word, but it's more than adequate.

Paul (Zach Braff) and his wife Zoey (Gabrielle Union) live in Los Angeles with their extended blended family - three kids from Paul's previous marriage with Kate (Erika Christensen) - who still comes around daily and serves as babysitter - two kids from Zoey's previous marriage to NFL player Dom Clayton (Timon Kyle Durrett), a kid that Paul and Kate took in after their friends died in a car accident, and two sets of twins from Paul and Zoey - along with Paul's nephew who moves in while his mother is in rehab...you really need a spreadsheet chart to try to understand it all, but it's not worth the effort. Suffice it to say, this is a movie that centers around their huge family and how they manage to get along despite living basically paycheck to paycheck despite Paul running a successful breakfast-only restaurant. When Paul gets an opportunity to take the business nationwide, along with selling his own unique sauce, he jumps at the chance to give his family something more. They move into a nice gated community with a huge house, but come into conflict with their neighbors as well as the kids struggling to adapt to their new environment, while Zoey deals with non-aggressive racial prejudice from her well-to-do neighbors and Paul growing increasingly distant due to the business thriving, which threatens to break up the loving family.

So, yeah, "Cheaper by the Dozen" is a remake of a remake that shouldn't had happened, because the film as a whole is something worse than formulaic, and I can't even describe what that word is. Cringy best fits the bill, as almost the entire movie is a groan-inducing mess that will have to glued to the screen just to see the embarrassment of it all, and there is a multitude of moments worthy of that title. From the pandering feel at the very beginning of the film to the terrible "dad-off" at the basketball game and the incredibly insensitive tone it takes in dealing with racism, the entire movie is a mess of itself with no redeeming qualities and, worst of all, not a laugh to be heard, at least intentionally.

It's a shame because Zach Braff and Gabrielle Union are still decent performers who haven't outlived their shelf lives yet, but it seems like they just gave up and went all in for this cash-grab sentimental dribblydook (another word I made up). Braff's Paul is your typical father who wants to give his children everything, even at the cost of spending time with them (you could almost imagine the scene of a kid standing in the backyard alone with a baseball glove, and you get the picture). He's also the typical jealous type, who always wants to one-up his wife's ex, and always failing because it's like Joe Everyman going up against Thor. His heart is always in the right place, but his brain is long gone - probably how Braff got through the performance in the first place.

Likewise, Gabrielle Union performed admirably as the long-suffering mother, who also shows sparks of excitement and enjoyment in the project (she even served as a producer), but most of her part centered around the subtle racism she faced when the family moved to the gated community. She has an important conversation with her young twins - who wanted to bring toy guns to the community pool - and how they couldn't do that because it was dangerous, and immediately the next scene shows two white kids playing with the same guns. It's small moments like that which seems like the movie wanted to go in a more serious direction, but then it steered back to the family friendly flair to glue eyes to the television.

It's like the producers wanted to tell an important story about racism, blended families, and the importance of the family unit, but somehow, along the way, succumbed to the financial possibilities of producing a Hallmark-style feel-good movie with a few tense moments that you know will all be wrapped up by the end (and in one confusing moment, almost as soon as it happened). You could see sparks of something special, but they're soon extinguished in favor of cringe-worthy one-liners and children acting like kids that immediately separates you from the story just when you felt a twinge of excitement. The 80s and 90s called, and they want their sitcom formulas back.

The Score: D-