Birdemic: Shock and Terror

 

Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Starring Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Adam Sessa, Catherine Batcha
Directed by James Nguyen

Whenever someone is making a film, it's their main goal to make sure as many people imaginable can see it, in order to turn a profit and to make their movie one that'll exist in the annals of history. Conversely, some make films in order to tell an important message and it doesn't matter how many people see it, depending on how passionate they are about their product. There's been countless memorable films out there that've withstood the test of time: "The Godfather Part II," "Citizen Kane," "Casablanca," "The Lord of the Rings" and "Halloween" are staples of their genres, and people still think fondly of them to this day: they're memorable for all the right reasons, and have rightfully earned their place in the history of cinema. Then there's films like "Catwoman," "Plan 9 From Outer Space," "Showgirls," and the "Citizen Kane" of bad movies - "The Room" - that have also earned their place in the history of cinema: as some of the worst films ever made. These, too, have been watched by countless people and have continued to amaze us by their sheer terrible nature, and in a warped sense, that's the main goal of filmmakers: to be memorable. "Birdemic" easily falls on the terrible scale, but it far exceeds all low expectations and rightfully earned the title of "the worst film ever made."

Rod (Alan Bagh) is a successful software salesman who reunites with his former classmate Nathalie (Whitney Moore), who's become a model, and the two hit it off right away. However, just as their romance begins, the end of the world arrives in the form of kamikaze birds who've turned their wrath on humanity for causing global warming, and it's up to them to make it out alive.

When I first started reviewing films, I would grade some of them as an "F," but I stopped doing that because I felt it wasn't right to do so. No matter how bad I think a film is, at least people put effort and time into creating something visionary, even if it's absolutely horrible, and if you attempt to try something, you shouldn't get an "F" for your work. "Birdemic" almost made me reconsider my grading scale, but it turned into a campy romp that's actually fun - as long as you watch it with a group of friends, and a little inebriation wouldn't hurt as well.

The film is laughably bad, and has absolutely no saving grace to it. The actors are abysmal: they couldn't act their way out of a paper bag. Alan Bagh is terrible as Rod, a conceited, stuck-up man who screams "stranger danger" when he blatantly stalks his former fellow schoolmate and puts the moves on her that would make any other girl see nothing but red flags, but Whitney Moore isn't any better as Nathalie, a wannabe model (who, for some odd reason, got a Victoria's Secret covergirl shoot despite being a model at a place that also does passports) who falls for Rod's lack of charm. This is supposed to be a romance film, but for once I'll say that "Twilight" had a better love story than this.

After what seems forever (including terrible audio work where it cuts off before a scene switches), the birds finally attack, and it's...yeah...something. It's like they pasted cheap geocities (remember that?) images after filming, because the birds don't really move - they just flap their wings and caw with an ear-shattering intensity. In the television series "Archer," there is an episode where Ray tries to teach Cheryl how to sing, and she's so bad it it that Mallory Archer says, "how I envy the deaf," and that's how I felt hearing these nonstop caws.

Why do the birds attack? Because global warming. Doesn't really make a lot of sense, but it seems the director and Al Gore are bestest buddies (they're probably not, but it seems like it), as he even plugs "An Inconvenient Truth" in the film. It would've been amazing to see Gore do a cameo where he's looking for ManBearPig, but I digress. The birds don't like people, and so they decide to kill themselves by hurtling themselves at them, creating bombs somehow, and spewing acidic gook, I think?

So our hapless heroes (much as they are) try to make it out of town using every weapon at their disposal, including coat hangers in a hilariously overly-long scene where they're standing next to a van swatting the (to them) invisible birds with said coat hangers. It's great because as they're fleeing for their lives, you see other cars on the road driving nonchalantly, like it's just another average day. When they escape to the beach for an outdoor picnic (because, you know, birds are falling from the sky, so why not have an outdoor picnic?) there's people in the background enjoying the surf and sand. Seriously, this can't really be a real film, right? Well, it is, and it's glorious in all its awfulness.

James Nguygen directed, wrote, produced, starred (in a cameo appearance), funded, prayed, made dinners, probably edited, could've provided the bird noises, and almost single-handedly mass-marketed his product, which shows the true desire and heart he had for the film. You have to admire his dedication for such an unspeakably awful film, which is the main reason why I can't give it an "F" - at least he tried, and he worked his butt off to make such a (negatively) iconic film.

This is one of those films where the behind-the-scenes antics almost parallel the insanity brought on screen, and thanks to imdb, here are some of the most fascinating trivia tidbits:
-After the Sundance Film Festival rejected the film (seriously, they flat out rejected this piece of filth), Nguyen put banners, fake blood, and fake birds all over his van, then drove around to advertise the film. That's true dedication to your craft.
-Lead actress Whitney Moore took over the job of make-up artist after the first two hired make-up artists quit after the first two weeks of filming. Seriously, two make-up artists quit a project in its early infancy.
-James Nguyen spent four years making this movie - and this was the best he could do.
-Tippi Hedren (the iconic film star of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds") gets third billing at the end credits for "Footage from Julie and Jack." She is briefly seen on a muted TV in the background. Not only did she have historic issues with Hitchcock, but her legacy is forever tarnished for being somehow associated with this film.
-Likewise, Whitney Moore had a terrible time filming "Birdemic" (yet it didn't stop her from being in the sequel), and got into an argument with Nguyen when he was yelling at innocent joggers getting in the way of the shot, and he refused to talk to her for three weeks, leaving her co-star Alan Bagh to serve as an intermediary.
-This film was shot at various locations without permits, and the bulk of the craft services was provided by 7-Eleven.
-Co-star Catherine Batcha left the project early because she was scheduled to attend acting school in New York.

With equal parts both in front of and behind the scenes, "Birdemic" is a rare terrible film that'll be hard to top (or bottom) in the long, historic annals of the worst films ever made.

The Score: D-...-