Brahms: The Boy II

Brahms: The Boy II

Starring Katie Holmes, Owain Yeoman, Christopher Convery, Ralph Ineson

Directed by William Brent Bell

As I mind-numbly sat through this snoozefest of a supposed horror film, my mind began to wander as I thought of the ultimate pint-sized match-up:  Chuck & Tiffany from "Child's Play" versus Annabelle from "Annabelle" versus the puppets from the "Puppet Master" series and then just for the sake of comedy throw in Brahms from "The Boy" - because in all honesty if there was ever such a movie Brahms would be disposed of early on, because he's as scary and terrifying as a newborn puppy and just as violent.

So how do you make a sequel no one asked for from a subpar original years after the expiration date, and somehow manage to make it even worse and less memorable?  How do you do a haunted mansion story where there's no haunting, a violent movie with no violence, and most importantly a thriller with no thrills?  These are the important questions the movie asks, and not the generic, static ones the movie offers.

The film follows wealthy white family Liza (Katie Holmes), Sean (Owain Yeoman), and their son Jude (Christopher Convery), who, after suffering a terrifying home invasion, find themselves wanting to get away from it all and go to a quiet little cabin in the woods - but for the wealthy, that means a lush, luxurious mansion.  The invasion has rendered Jude mute, and left Liza with headaches, nightmares, and visions - so of course the film will center on these two and throw Sean to the foreground because he wasn't even home when it happened, so all the strange happenings that occur throughout the film can be "reasoned" as Liza's past trauma haunting her.

Not soon after arriving did Jude find a creepy porcelain doll buried in the woods, and like all tender, caring parents, they allow him to keep it no questions asked.  Even after Jude says the doll - who calls himself Brahms - talks to him.  Even after Brahms offers an ultimatum list of do's and don'ts for the family.  Even after it becomes strongly apparent to anyone with a pulse that Jude is slowly turning into Brahms, the parents don't really care.  Well, Liza does, but all the activity she witnesses Sean chalks up to her trauma, so naturally no one believes her - sound familiar?  Watch pretty much any haunted house movie in the last fifty years and it's the same plot.

And there would be no Gothic haunted house story without the creepy old landscaper who roams the grounds with their dog and shotgun, so in comes Joseph (Ralph Ineson), who offers expository dialogue for us and the family as to the history of the house and Brahms - before Liza investigates more with a thorough Google search where she uncovers the deep dark truth of Brahms and his sordid history just in time for the classic denouement because Brahms wasn't content anymore with the small nuisances he was making previously because now people know who he is.

Where I can give credit to "The Boy" is that it was original and offered a totally bonkers conclusion that doesn't make a lick of sense.  Here, there's no such wild twists, as Brahms can clearly be seen moving on his own accord (with terrible CGI at that).  One would expect this to be a terrifying thing, but it's almost laughable if not totally boring.  Maybe it's also due to the actors completely checking out of the project before the opening scene.  Katie Holmes looks pained throughout, and not because her character went through a traumatic experience: she's probably wishing for her agent's call telling her of a "Dawson's Creek" revival, and has to find a way to pay the bills until then - or she's still lamenting on her lost youth spent with Tom Cruise.  In any event, she seems totally disinterested in the project, along with everyone else.

The story manages to try to be clever, but fails on every level.  You'd expect it to end at one moment, but groan in agony when the credits don't roll.  Then there's another spot where the film could feasibly end, but it keeps going.  Finally there's the total ending - but wait, there's more!  There's more fake-out endings here than "The Return of the King," and at under 90 minutes, it felt like I was watching the epic all over again, but if it were done by sock puppets.

Ultimately, the biggest question "Brahms: The Boy II" asks isn't whether or not it was necessary, because we already know that - the question arises: "which will put me to sleep faster?  Brahms, or Brahms' Lullaby?"

The Score: D-