Hellboy

Hellboy

Starring David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane, Sasha Lane

Directed by Neil Marshall

The Story:
Centuries ago, the Blood Queen Vivian Nimue (Milla Jovovich) was defeated by King Arthur, Merlin, and Excalibur, and her body was cut up and buried around England, while she vowed to once again return.  In modern times, Hellboy (David Harbour) is a demon who works with the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense, led by Trevor Bruttenholm (Ian McShane) - who Hellboy calls Dad because he rescued him after being released from hell due to Nazi magic.  They discover that the Blood Queen is beginning to be put back together again, and devises a plan to stop her before she unleashes a plague that will wipe out humanity - but as Hellboy encounters people like Ben Daimio (Daniel Dae Kim) who hate him, he begins to wonder if the Blood Queen might have a valid reason, and wonders who the real monsters are.

The Synopsis:
"Hellboy" is based off the Dark Horse comic of the same name, but many people probably don't remember him for that, but rather two films that came out in the 2000s directed by Guillermo del Toro and starring Ron Perlman as the titular antihero.  "Hellboy" (2004) and "Hellboy: The Golden Army" never really made a whole lot of money, but remained cult classics that amassed a loyal following, and for years they clamored for another film to complete the trilogy.  However, del Toro could never get another film off the ground, and instead a new company decided to completely reboot the franchise, leading to a lackluster outing that just screams "money grab" - a film that, while supplying a strong new Hellboy, fails to live up to any expectations or goodwill the original had, resulting in a by-the-books horror action adventure that's easily forgettable minutes after it ends.

For this outing, Hellboy must stop the Blood Queen from returning and unleashing a plague on mankind, something she tried to do centuries earlier, but was stopped by King Arthur (I think you know the name).  Now her body parts are being put back together by a pig-creature that once tried to live a normal life as a young baby but was stopped by Hellboy (don't ask), and wants Hellboy dead at any cost.  Meanwhile Hellboy questions his own motives, wondering if it's worth saving mankind when they see him as just another monster (I think the Hulk has some similar views), and when the Blood Queen offers immortality and kingship, it's difficult for Hellboy to say no (although it's obvious what his answer will be).  Oh, and then there's Alice, the young girl Hellboy saved as a baby (which is why the pig-creature is so angry, he was actually a fairy or something that stole the girl and took her place, but everyone noticed), who can speak to the dead, and Ben Daimio, Hellboy's new partner who doesn't like monsters, but who's also hiding his own secret.  Then there's Nazis.  And giants. And a magical trip to visit Merlin.  And a lot of CGI demons attacking London (even though some people simply walk the streets seemingly unaware).  And a lot of blood and bodies torn asunder by said terrible CGI demons.  And Winston Churchill's desk.  And a witch that Hellboy once defeated who now lives in a Miyazaki-inspired moving house who wants Hellboy's eye because he took hers before (a more straightforward "eye for an eye" motif).

So with so many different inlets and roads to take, you'd expect at least some of them to lead to some sort of destination - but that's not the case.  With an overly bloated runtime, the film tries to achieve everything, but instead accomplishes nothing, wrapping everything up in a surprisingly anti-climactic way.  At the end, you'll wonder what just happened to the two hours you sat through, and think maybe you were abducted by aliens during that time, because it feels like it was over in a split second - yet also somehow felt like it took years to complete.

Gone is del Toro's magic touch that made the original "Hellboy" such an endearing film.  Del Toro always appreciated the monsters - both good and bad  - and gave them true purpose and meaning.  Now, these monsters are numerous, bountiful, and have absolutely no soul to them.  They're all bland CGI attractions (and very poorly rendered CGI at that) who exist merely to give the film its "R" rating as they rip people in two, peel off skin, and do other unspeakable things to humans - but they're all hollow because there's no depth to it.  In fact, there's no depth to anything going on here, as even the big bad follows the traditional path that many of their kind take in films like this - they're not at complete power because they need pieces to put together, they need this and that to complete some ancient ritual, yadda yadda yadda.  There's absolutely nothing unique or memorable about this film, except how incredibly unmemorable it really is.

Filling the big shoes of Ron Perlman is no easy task, and this is the one shining light of the film.  David Harbour (best known for his role on "Stranger Things") manages to pick up Perlman's mantle and deliver Hellboy with the same dry wit and humor as his predecessor, and also showcases some sort of emotion as well.  Yet even Harbour is hindered by a vapid, tedious script that's so poorly written you can tell in his contact-lens eyes that not even he believes in the project.  And in the end, neither do we.  Milla Jovovich also deserves better, as her role as the Blood Queen was reduced to long platitudes and speeches that never amounts to anything - much like the entirety of the film.

The Summary:
The original "Hellboy" films managed to supply something that the character inherently couldn't have - a soul -  but this reboot gives Hellboy the lack of soul back as the entire film is a soulless endeavor in hopes of garnering some fast cash.

The Score: D