Worst2First:
2017 Films #80 - #61
2017 was a spectacular year for film, and I was privileged enough to see 80 of those movies. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see them all (such as "The Disaster Artist" or "The Shape of Water"), but I was able to see a large amount.
So I compiled all the 80 movies I saw that were released in 2017 and made four different Worst2First lists, breaking it up so you don't have to read through one super long list. I've also split the films by color, as well as number:
If the film image is in red, it means I graded it a D+, D, D-, or F, and should probably never be seen again.
If the film image is in yellow, it means I graded it a C+, C, or C-, and if you want to watch them, be warned that they probably won't be great.
If the film image is in blue, it means I graded it a B+, B, or B-, and that means the film was alright - not memorable or terrible, just forgettable.
If the film image is in green, it means I graded it an A or A-, and while they were missing that certain special something, you should definitely give them a shot.
If the film image is in purple, it means I graded it an A+, and was among the best films of the year in my opinion.
So I will now begin the list with ranking the lowest films, #80 - #61.
**THERE WILL BE NO SPOILERS**
The only film this year I graded with an F, this film was an absolute failure from start to finish, a movie that I am amazed even got off the ground. A girl finds an ancient Chinese wishing box, and every time she makes a wish, something bad also happens to someone around her (basically, someone dies). Yet this doesn't deter her from making the typical teenage girl wishes, and if I could get my hands on that box I would wish this film was wiped from existence, and whoever died because of that wish would be grateful they gave their lives for such an important cause.
Michael Fassbender plays a character named Harry Hole. The rest of the film is laughable as well, with a story that jumps from place to place, unemotional performances, and moments of sheer WTF expressions. Characters are dispatched with no cares whatsoever, and the ending is as absurd as a "Scooby-Doo" episode. All they needed was a talking dog and a stoner guy handing out Scooby Snacks.
After decades of waiting to see how Hollywood would adapt the classic Stephen King novel series (eight in all), when they finally released a film, it was only an hour and a half long! You couldn't even cram half of one of the books in that small length of time, and I was left wondering why they even bothered in the first place - or how they convinced Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey that it would be a good idea.
The remake that no one asked for, "Flatliners" was as flat as the lines it's named for. Ellen Page is way better than this, which turned out to be a boring, lackluster film with unlikable characters and a plot so simplistic it's laughable.
Thankfully, both Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron will be seen later on in this list in much better films. Even from the outset, "Baywatch" was a joke waiting to happen, but when this comedy was released, no one at all was laughing.
Matt Damon hasn't had a great year, and this George Clooney directed snoozer is one of those reasons why. To be honest, I don't remember a lot about this film, except that I could appreciate the production design, but not much else.
Disaster porn on a smaller scale, "Geostorm" pales in comparison to other big-budget end-of-the-world doomsday scenarios, and throw in lackluster performances and by-the-numbers effects, and you get a film that'll make you wish you already endured the end of the world.
This movie was long. And boring. And pointless. And it didn't go anywhere. And it wasted the talents of Dane DeHaan. And the ending was inexplicably stupid. And I'm going to stop starting sentences with "and" and just move on.
A fourth-rate boogie man, there's certain rules to not conjure up this crudely identified specter and his...dog?...I think?...anyway, as long as you don't say or think his name, he'll never come for you. The world will sleep peacefully forever.
On paper, it had the makings of something great. Emma Watson and Tom Hanks? Sign me up! Unfortunately, this third-rate wannabe "Google-Facebook-Apple-is-the-root-of-all-evil-Big-Brother-is-watching" trope tired out after fifteen minutes, but somehow kept trudging along until it abruptly ended, and we were left wondering why anyone would care to watch the lives of these boring, lifeless people.
A jigsaw puzzle is only fun when you have all the pieces to put together. "Jigsaw" tried to be craftier than that and give us a puzzle to put together, but it held four pieces behind its back, and as we got so frustrated that we couldn't solve the puzzle, it held out its hand and said, "aha! here's a big twist that will blow your minds!" We only wanted to blow one person's mind - whoever thought it'd be great to dust off this long-dead franchise.
Mandy Moore and another girl are stuck in a cage 47 meters down with sharks all around. Despite the obvious scientific flaws this movie exploits, it's completely unmemorable - except for Moore's continued screaming. I would've loved to be that other girl, because I would've sacrificed Moore to the sharks and tried to swim away. Can't wait for the sequel - "48 Meters Down" - which, unfortunately, is actually a thing they might do.
I don't know what the biggest crime from this film: the crime of delusional thinking (Amy Schumer thinking the world thinks she's funny), the crime of cliched action films, or the crime of grave robbing (someone inform Kurt Russell that someone dug up his wife's grave and she's being dragged around this film like "Weekend at Bernie's").
Maybe I'm just nostalgic for the classic "The Ring," but I didn't totally hate this third film in the franchise, but it was far, far, far...FAR...from good. I was intrigued because, as the original, when you watched a VHS tape, you'd die in seven days. I wondered how they would re-invent it to a new generation who has no clue whatsoever what VHS stands for. It wasn't pretty.
Universal wanted to create their own cinematic universe by unleashing all their classic monsters, but this Tom Cruise-led disaster all but eradicated those hopes and dreams. The only dimmer of light was Sofia Boutella's take on the titular monster, but not even that could save this trainwreck from crashing into the station.
You have to appreciate independent filmmakers who try something new, but after years of "The Blair Witch Project" re-treads, it's time to hang up your video camera. This yarn tells the story of three youth (sound familiar?) who search for the mysterious Phoenix lights. For such a small budget, it wasn't bad, but, like its name, was easily forgotten.
2017 was definitely the year of the woman, because even though this film was a snooze-fest of epic proportions, Denzel Washington is still in contention for an Oscar nomination. This film was uninspired, dull, boring, lifeless, and an all-around disaster.
Whoever thought it'd be a great idea to explore the fake history of how the Great Wall of China was built, and then have Matt Damon there for some reason, needs to be thrown off said Great Wall. Needless to say, it wasn't to protect China from northern invaders.
Hopes were high for this biopic, especially after the surprising success of "Straight Outta Compton." A biopic about one of the most influential voices in music - Tupac - should've been a slam dunk success. Instead, we were given a film that somehow went way too long but gave way too little information on the man. You'd be better off reading a Wikipedia page about him, because that's what the director appeared to do.
A kid born on Mars comes to Earth to find his real father and also the girl he's been chatting with online. So if you're taking to a guy online who says he's from Mars, he just might be! Then again, it's much more likely he's insane. This film follows all the typical tropes you'd expect, from start to finish, with very little chemistry between the two actors and a wasted talent in Gary Oldman.
So there's the beginning of the list, be sure to come back tomorrow for #60 - #41!
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