Worst2First: My Top Ten Worst Remakes
Worst2First:
My Top Ten Worst Remakes
**THERE WILL BE NO SPOILERS**
#10
The Stepford Wives
The term "Stepford wife" is most notably associated with a docile, forgiving, do-anything-their-husband-says wife who shows no self-will of her own, but only exists to serve her husband. There's a reason this is a definition, because the 1975 classic film was considered a horror film where a woman finds the men of Stepford are changing their wives for robots. In the 2004 remake, the horror is gone (at least, it's supposed to be; the movie is downright horrifying to watch in its awfulness), and now it's a dark comedy featuring a surprisingly decent cast (including Nicole Kidman, Bette Midler, Matthew Broderick, Christopher Walken and Glenn Close) and directed by Frank "Yoda" Oz. There was some major issues with the film, including a lot of rewrites that resulted in gaping plot holes and a story that was spoon-fed to the audience instead of sleuthing it out. Ultimately, it couldn't decide what it wanted to be, and left the audience confused and angry.
#9
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Throughout the 1980s, Freddy Krueger was one of the most famous faces in horror. Robert Englund starred in all eight films (including his run-in with Jason Voorhees), and the series and Englund were forever combined. Then in 2010, they decided to remake the original, and instead of Robert Englund they cased "Watchmen" star Jackie Earle Haley to don the famous fedora and scathing scissor glove. That was the first problem with the film. The second came with the makeup for Haley, which turned Krueger from a fire victim to an alien-looking creature that's more laughable than frightening. Then there's the story, which was as weak as they came, and even though it boasted an impressive cast (including future two-time Oscar nominee Rooney Mara), they could only work with the material given to them. The outcome: a remake that should've never been done, a mess from top to bottom.
#8
The Karate Kid
The classic 1984 "Karate Kid" is an inspired classic, a tale of an underdog who rose among the ranks and achieved the impossible. The chemistry between Ralph Macchio's Daniel and his trainer Pat Morita's Miyagi is the stuff of legend, and together they made a film that's withstood the test of time. Then, in 2010, Will Smith's spoiled son Jaden donned the karate shoes and with the help of the eternal Jackie Chan tried to re-create the magic of the original, but failed on every level. Sometimes, not even the best trainer can make you great, and "The Karate Kid" remake fell incredibly flat, due to a subpar story, no chemistry between the actors, and a soulless, money-grabbing endeavor.
#7
The Day the Earth Stood Still
#6
Guess Who
The original 1964 "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" was a revolutionary evolution in cinema, a film that featured an African American leading man falling in love with a Caucasian woman, and meeting her family for the first time. Although a comedy, it was still filled with intriguing dialogue and thought-provoking questions. It won the Academy Award for Original Screenplay as well as Best Actress for Katharine Hepburn. The 2005 remake had none of the social biting commentary nor cinematic significance - it was just a ho-hum, dry comedy featuring Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac (and also Zoe Saldana pre-"Guardians of the Galaxy" days), with the roles reversed - instead of the African American man meeting his Caucasian girlfriend's family, it's a Caucasian man meeting his African American girlfriend's family. The results, as stated above, was a mediocre-at-best comedy that's easily forgettable and totally unnecessary.
#5
The Fog
John Carpenter is one of the icons of the horror genre, gracing viewers with frights like "Halloween" and "The Fog." The original debuted in 1980 and featured the original scream queen (and frequent Carpenter collaborator) Jamie Lee Curtis, Adrienne Barbeau, Tom Atkins, Janet "Psycho" Leigh and Hal Holbrook, and centered around a small town haunted by spirits of the past that invade during a fog. In 2005, Rupert Wainwright decided to remake the film and threw in Tom "Smallville" Welling as the lead, along with Maggie Grace and Selma Blair, and the result was a jumbled mess that resulted in a terrible conclusion, a laughable plot, and a film that was light on the scares and big on the "what the heck is going on?"
#4
Ben-Hur
Someone, somewhere, in some fashion, decided it was time for a remake of a beloved Christian classic epic that's world-renowned and won a record-setting eleven Academy Awards. The result: a humdrum remake made specifically for a quick buck, starring a bunch of no-name actors (and Morgan Freeman, for some reason), eliminating anything that made the classic a classic, and showing that there's some films that should never be touched.
#3
Psycho
Alfred Hitchcock was the pioneer in directing the psychological thriller. His crowning masterpiece is "Psycho," a film that's still remembered to this day due to the iconic shower scene. It was a film that should never have been remake, not even by prolific director Gus Van Sant, but he took the classic and made a literal shot-for-shot remake, and the result is a laughable insult and has Hitchcock turning in his grave. Anne Heche takes on Janet Leigh's role, and she gives a completely soulless performance, turning the shower scene into a humorous mockery of classic cinema.
#2
The Wicker Man
The original was a cult classic starring Christopher Lee, about a mainland cop who investigates a disappearance on a mysterious island where the townspeople don't seem to care much, including the child's mother. It's an unnerving tale that keeps you riveted and wondering what the real story is. In 2006, this cult classic is remade starring Nicholas Cage, is is famous for the beginning of his spiral from grace. The plot is now a laughable mess, and Cage gives a truly cringe-worthy performance that's been mocked and turned into memes ever since. The only thing I remember from this film is, "not the bees!" I'd prefer, "not a remake!"
#1
Planet of the Apes
The classic "Planet of the Apes" starred Charlton Heston as a man who finds himself on a planet populated by intelligent apes, and in the end discovers what planet he's actually on. It's a cinematic classic that spawned a whole franchise, and is highly revered to this day. In 2001, Tim Burton decided to take the film and remake it in his own image, and the result is a jumbled mess of terrible effects, laughable makeup, shoddy performances, and a nonsensical ending. Not even the likes of Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth and Helena Bonham Carter could save it from the disaster it turned out to be. Thankfully, the apes live on with the excellent prequel trilogy "Rise," "Dawn," and "War for the Planet of the Apes," so this film will thankfully fade from memory.
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