Baywatch

Baywatch

Starring Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Priyanka Chopra, Alexandra Daddario

Directed by Seth Gordon

The Story:
Mitch Buchanan (Dwayne Johnson) is the leader of an elite team of lifeguards known as Baywatch, and they've just hired three new recruits: three-time tryout standout Summer (Alexandra Daddario), lovable nerdy Ronnie (Jon Bass), and Matt Brody (Zac Efron), a former Olympian brought in to serve as a PR opportunity.  Immediately Mitch and Brody butt heads, with Mitch's sense of duty and Brody's duty to self often conflicting.  However, when drugs start washing up on shore and bodies start piling up, they must put aside their differences to stop the evil Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra) from turning the shore into her own personal drug smuggling ring.

The Synopsis:
When I first heard they were making a movie based off the incredibly campy 80s television series, my first thought was: Why?  There is absolutely no good reason to resurrect a long-dead television franchise into a big-budget action flick.  Watching this piece of mess, I was happy to admit that I was fully right in my reasoning: the film is an unmitigated disaster from start to finish, and not even the combined star power of Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron could save it.

First I'll share what was done right with the film...

Now I'll share what was wrong with it.  Everything from the first shot to the last, producing a flatline film that only the most drunk or most high could potentially enjoy, and even that is a long shot.  The story is reminiscent of the cheesy series (so...I guess they did that right?), with such stereotypical characters you'd find in almost any film.  Ironically, as I was thinking that Priyanka Chopra's character was nothing more than a less-than-Bond-style villain, she actually said in the movie "I'm not a Bond villain."  I really wish "Baywatch" would stop reading my mind.

It's clear that director Seth Gordon wanted to rely on Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron's notable star power to drive the film, but even they failed in their delivery.  Efron - who is more than likely on steroids to produce that insane body - wants so much to move away from his family-friendly "High School Musical" days that now every other word he says is the "F" bomb with no real substance or reasoning.  His character is easily the most annoying, serving as cannon fodder for the rest of the cast due to his incompetence, idiocy and irreverence.  Dwayne Johnson has been a huge box office draw as of late (with his roles in the latest "Fast and Furious" films, "Moana," and "San Andreas" - ironically also starring Daddario as his daughter), but here he flounders for meaning in a sea of meaningless sexual jokes and foul language that we haven't seen from him since 2013's "Pain & Gain."

Another issue with "Baywatch" is that it didn't seem to know what direction to go in.  The series was a family-friendly sitcom, but here they amped up the sexual humor and foul language to earn a heavy R rating that certainly alienated some of the original fanbase, resulting in jokes about half as funny as what's seen on shows such as "Family Guy."  It simply doesn't cut mustard.

Now I will take back my previous statement and say there was one glimmer of light in this movie, and that's Johnson's treatment of Zac Efron's character, never calling him by his name but by several other names that he correlates to his character, such as "One Direction," "Bieber," "New Kid on the Block," and especially "High School Musical," names Efron told Johnson to call him while filming.  That was slightly enjoyable.  Like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, before realizing the light is the light of the oncoming train.

The Summary:
A mess from start to finish, "Baywatch" is an almost unwatchable disaster that drags down its famous cast to mediocrity and is an embarrassment of a movie.

The Score: D-