Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending

Starring Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean
Directed by The Wachowskis

The Story:
Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) hates her life - she has no aspirations, and she works as a maid for rich neighbors with her overbearing Russian mother.  She feels insignificant, and has a rather pessimistic view of life.

Meanwhile, on a far away planet, siblings Balem (Eddie Redmayne), Titus (Douglas Booth) and Kalique (Tuppence Middletown) are arguing over their murdered mother's inheritance, as they serve as the three most powerful beings in the universe.  Balem has a refinery on Jupiter and uses humans as a way of creating an eternal youth serum, something Titus wants destroyed.  Balem wants to rule Earth, but his reincarnated mother lives on Earth, so he wants her dead - again.

Titus sends Caine Wise (Channing Tatum), a half-man, half-wolf bounty hunter or something to rescue Jupiter, and in doing so he tells her that she is the most powerful person on Earth, and she has the rightful claim as Earth's owner.  He develops feelings for her, and doesn't return her to Titus, but they still manage to travel to all three siblings' worlds, pretty much forcibly but not really.  Each time Caine rescues her, and she eventually comes face-to-face with Balem, who wants her dead so he can, you know, rule the Earth and use everyone on it for the youth serum.

The Synopsis:
Sixteen years ago, The Wachowskis brought to life their vision of a movie known as "The Matrix," and it was a spectacular, visually stunning epic far beyond it's time.  However, that was sixteen years ago, and when you're still using it as a means of advertising a movie, you should probably quit while you're behind.

People often complain that there's no original movies nowadays, everything i either a superhero movie, a movie from a book or a sequel/prequel.  They have valid arguments, but Hollywood still produces these types of movies because they make money.  The Wachowskis seem to attack this with "Jupiter Ascending," as it stresses the evils of wealth and vanity, but does so in a terribly long, overly boring space epic that takes bits from "2001," "Dune," "Star Wars" and even "Cinderella," but misses to take the best of them. 

While the film isn't too overly confusing, it throws in pointless bureaucratic nonsense that leaves you scratching your head.  At one point, Jupiter is kidnapped by Titus (who originally hired Caine to rescue her), and she instructs him he's violating several intergalactic rules or something.  Like a bad guy cares if he's breaking the rules.  Or is he a bad guy?  Yeah, he's a bad guy.  Because everyone is a bad guy in this film, unless he's Caine.  Caine is good.  Everyone else has hints of bad in them. 

There are two decent aspects of the film that I will now highlight, to show that there is some good in this film.
-The effects.  Pretty much The Wachowskis focused most of their time on the effects of the film.  They're dazzling, awe-inspiring and fascinating, however, with such a bleak story, it's a fabulous mansion whose insides are dilapidated.
-The actors.  With the likes of Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Douglas Booth and Tuppence Middleton as your leads, you'd expect greatness, but an actor is only as good as the script they're given.
Mila Kunis isn't your typical space movie heroine.  She's no Ripley, no Amidala.  She's a damsel in distress most of the time, who relies on her savior to rescue her in the nick of time - several times.
Channing Tatum as the indescribable Caine Wise (since, you know, he's human.  And wolf.  And he has wings, but he lost them.  I wanted for someone to ring a bell to see if he was an actual angel or not).  He skates around on anti-gravity boots (yes, I said skates.  He looks like he's auditioning for a roller derby team most of the time), and he wants one thing - to get his wings back.  Or is it to get the girl?  Money?  Eh, who knows.
Sean Bean actually lives.  Sorry to spoil this part, but I was just surprised he lives.
Eddie Redmayne is the worst/best person in the film.  He's the titular bad guy, the ruler of everything, who wants more.  Yet he's the easiest to defeat, as any single scratch that befalls him, he goes into a hissy fit.  The character barely talks, but really just whispers unless he wants to express some anger at rather inopportune times.  It's like Redmayne knew this would be crap, so he phoned in his performance here and I'm sure he's laughing about it now, as he stares at his Oscar sitting on his mantle.

"Jupiter Ascending" was completed back in 2013, but was held in post-production limbo until February 2015.  Maybe it should've just descended into hell where it belongs.

So what was this story about?  Basically it's about a girl who felt she was nothing suddenly realizing she's everything, and a family wants her gone so they could either harvest the Earth, destroy it, or rule it, and she has the faithful companion (who refers to himself as more a dog than human - to which she replied that she really likes dogs) who comes to her rescue over and over again.  Plus there's some great effects.  And anti-gravity skates. And Sean Bean lives.

The Summary:
While people are pining for originality, "Jupiter Ascending" will have you pining for the sequels and book-based films you secretly love.

Also, after writing this review, I went to "Honest Trailers" and basically they just said everything I did, but in a much more funny way, so enjoy!

The Score: B-