JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Ted 2 Starring Mark Wahlberg, Seth MacFarlane, Amanda Seyfried, Jessica Barth Directed by Seth MacFarlane The Story: Ted (Seth MacFarlane), the teddy bear owned by John (Mark Wahlberg) who was brought to life, has just married Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), and one year later the marriage isn't working well.  They decide to have a baby, but due to obvious complications, they have to adopt.  This brings to light that Ted is a property and not a human, so they can't adopt, and Ted loses everything.  Ted and John turn to young lawyer Samantha (Amanda Seyfried) to help make Ted a human in the eyes of the law, meanwhile they're being hunted by deranged janitor Donny (Giovanni Ribisi), who still wants a Ted of his very own. The Synopsis: The original "Ted" was a surprise hit, garnering over $200 million dollars.  Seth MacFarlane is one of today's most iconic comedic voices, creating "Family Guy" and "American Dad."  So how would "...

Jurassic World Starring Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Nick Robinson, Ty Simpkins Directed by Colin Trevorrow The Story: Twenty-two years after the failure of Jurassic Park, the InGen company has finally opened their new theme park - Jurassic World.  Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) is the park's operations manager, and attendance has been dwindling.  People aren't interested in being around live dinosaurs anymore, so she sets out to create a new type of dinosaur - more frightening, bigger, and more dangerous.  To this end, they create the Indominus Rex - a new type of dinosaur that's even bigger and deadlier than the T-Rex. Claire's nephews Zach (Nick Robinson) and Gray (Ty Simpkins) are sent to Jurassic World by their parents to spend time with Claire and to see the dinosaurs that young Gray is still enticed by.  After arriving, however, they're pawned off on Claire's assistant Zara (Katie McGrath), and quickly scamper off on their own. ...

Get Hard Starring Will Ferrell, Kevin Hart, Craig T. Nelson, Alison Brie Directed by Etan Cohen The Story: James King (Will Ferrell) is the epitome of high white class.  He's got a huge mansion with another one on the way, he's got a smoking hot fiancee (Alison Brie), and his future father-in-law Martin (Craig T. Nelson) just named him co-partner in his company. Then he's placed under arrest for fraud and embezzlement.  He's sentenced to ten years in prison, and is given thirty days to get his affairs in order.  James, who proclaims his innocence, turns to Darnell (Kevin Hart), his car washer who he mistakenly believes has been in jail, to train him how to make it on the inside. Darnell has no concept of what it's like to be in jail, but he needs James' money to expand his car washing business and move his family into a better neighborhood and better school for his young daughter, so he "trains" James in how to fight, speak and act towa...

The Last House on Cemetery Lane Starring Lee Bane, Georgina Blackledge, Tessa Wood, Vivien Bridson Directed by Andrew Jones The Story: John Davies (Lee Bane) is a horror movie screenwriter with a case of writers' block, so he stays at a big lonely house to gain some inspiration, but when he arrives he learns from the seller Mrs. Connelly (Tessa Wood) that there's another tenant, an old blind woman named Agnes (Vivien Bridson) who lives on the third floor. Despite this, John agrees to stay, and instantly meets neighbor Cassie (Georgina Blackledge), and the two develop a relationship.  Meanwhile, he remains blocked in his writing, but being haunted by mysterious dreams and having strange occurrences happen in the house makes him begin to wonder if there isn't another - more supernatural - guest in the house. The Synopsis: I both love and hate haunted house movies.  I love it when there's a bunch of people inside the house, and lots of scary stuff happenin...

The Pyramid Starring Ashley Hinshaw, Denis O'Hare, James Buckley, Chista Nicola Directed by Gregory Levasseur The Story: There is unrest in Cairo as a team of archaeologists have uncovered a hidden pyramid deep in the sands, one that predates even the Great Pyramids.  Reporter Sunni (Christa Nicola) and her cameraman Fitzie (James Buckley) are working with father/daughter archaeology team Nora (Ashley Hinshaw) and Miles (Denis O'Hare) to discover what secrets lie inside the pyramid. After sending in a robot, it mysteriously goes offline, which leads to the crew sneaking inside and investigating what happened.  They soon find themselves lost in the intricate labyrinth, and stalked by small creatures - and one huge one. The Synopsis: "The Pyramid" was lambasted as one of the worst films in a long time.  While I won't go that far, I will say it was pretty bad, but not as bad as most people make it out to be.  Maybe because I'm claustrophobic, so ...

The Houses October Built Starring Brandy Schaefer, Zack Andrews, Bobby Roe, Mikey Roe Directed by Bobby Roe The Story: Every October, thousands of haunted attractions open around the country.  For five thrill-seeking friends, they decide to document their adventures to different Halloween attractions in the hopes of finding the ultimate scare.  They of course get more than they bargained for. The Synopsis: Halloween is my second favorite holiday (behind Christmas - you know, gotta love the good and the bad), and I've always wanted to go to some haunted attractions, but never doing it because I realize that it's fake and that takes away from the fear aspect.  If I was younger, I might be scared, but I know I wouldn't be scared by them today. That's what drew me to this film.  Not only did they feature several real attractions, but also mixed in real interviews with people who have heard real horror stories at real attractions, such as accidental death...

Serena Starring Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Rhys Ifans, Toby Jones Directed by Susanne Bier The Story: In North Carolina in the late 1920s, George Pemberton (Bradley Cooper) is a successful businessman, focusing on the sale of timber.  He meets the mysterious, beautiful Serena (Jennifer Lawrence) and is instantly smitten by her.  After a whirlwind romance, they wed and she takes deep interest in his work, serving as his right hand (wo)man. George's fellow workers and partners are wary of Serena, and as the Sheriff (Toby Jones) closes in on George's shady business dealings, Serena fears her dreams of an extravagant life will never come to fruition, so she resorts to even darker means to protect George and her desires, enlisting the help of George's friend Galloway (Rhys Ifans) -a man who feels he owes Serena a debt - to do the dirty work.  However, as George begins to uncover his wife's true nature, he learns that the next target could be himself. ...

Monsters: Dark Continent Starring Johnny Harris, Sam Keeley, Joe Dempsie, Jesse Nagy Directed by Tom Green The Story: Ten years after the original, the alien creatures are spreading across the world, and as the American army tries to stop them, they create an insurgency in the Middle East.  Frater (Johnny Harris) and Forrest (Nicholas Pinnock) have served nine tours there, where the insurgents are becoming more dangerous than the massive aliens. In Detroit, down on his luck Michael (Sam Keeley), his equally deprived friend Frankie (Joe Dempsie), and two other friends decide to enlist in the army, since it's either that or deal crack on the mean streets.  They enjoy one final night of prostitutes and cocaine before deploying overseas, thinking they'll be killing some alien monsters, but instead find themselves fighting the insurgents with Frater and Forrest. On one mission to locate four missing soldiers, the group comes under heavy attack, resulting in several ...

Insidious: Chapter 3 Starring Lin Shaye, Stefanie Scott, Dermot Mulroney, Leigh Whannell Directed by Leigh Whannell Synopsis: A little over a year after losing her mother to cancer, high school senior Quinn Brenner (Stefanie Scott) wants to communicate with her, so she visits renowned psychic Elise Rainier (Lin Shaye), but she refuses to help Quinn at first, until she relents.  As she tries to contact Quinn's mother, Elise contacts another evil spirit, and abruptly stops the seance, and warns Quinn to not communicate with spirits. Quinn doesn't listen, and an evil entity has attached itself to her, and only Elise can stop it - but she has to conquer her own demons and fears before she can help Quinn, and do it before Quinn is lost forever. Review: The "Insidious" films are some of the better studio-made horror films to come out in recent memory.  The first one was revolutionary, while the second added to the mythos of the story.  It seemed that, after...

Venom Starring Agnes Bruckner, Jonathan Jackson, Laura Ramsey, Meagan Good Directed by Jim Gillespie Synopsis: In the bayous of Louisiana, a Voodoo priestess unearths a mysterious suitcase, and attempts to leave with it, but gets involved in a car crash and dies, along with Ray (Rick Cramer), the local weirdo. Eden (Agnes Bruckner) and her on-again-off-again boyfriend Eric (Jonathan Jackson) are at the scene when the accident occurs, but they don't see how Ray dies.  They assume he drowned, but the suitcase had been opened and mystical snakes emerged and bit him, turning him into an undead vessel of lost souls that would hunt the land in search of fresh blood. The woman's granddaughter, CeCe (Meagan Good) knows what's happening and sets out to stop the evil, with Eden and Eric's help, by using good Voodoo to combat the evil. Review: The premise of the film is silly at best, and stereotypical at worst.  An old Voodoo curse unleashed on a Louisiana town...

Buck Wild Starring Matthew Albrecht, Jarrod Pistilli, Dru Lockwood, Isaac Harrison Directed by Tyler Goldt Synopsis: A hillbilly is bit by a Chupacabra, and doesn't look so well afterward.  Around the same time, friends Craig (Matthew Albrecht), Jerry (Jarrod Pistilli), Tom (Dru Lockwood) and Lance (Isaac Harrison) arrive in town for a guys-only hunting trip.  Almost as soon as they arrive, they notice some strange things happening in the small Southern town, and learn that the Chupacabra bite turned the hillbilly into a zombie, who in natural zombie fashion turned the other townspeople into zombies as well, and they set their sights on the four out-of-towners for a late night meal. Review: Zombies are all the rage, and its one of my favorite horror subgenres.  Ever since George A. Romero, everyone has been trying to create the next big low-budget zombie film that will live forever in history as one of the best.  "Buck Wild" is not one of them. What ...

Unfriended Starring Shelley Hennig, Moses Storm, Renee Olstead, Will Peltz Directed by Levan Gabriadze Synopsis: Laura Barns (Heather Sossaman) was humiliated when a video of her drunk and passed out spread through the Internet.  She was so embarrassed that she took her own life, and someone posted that video to the Net as well. One year after her death, her friends Blaire (Shelley Hennig), Mitch (Moses Storm), Jess (Renee Olstead), Adam (Will Peltz), Ken (Jacob Wysocki) and Val (Courtney Halverson) were communicating together through Skype when a mysterious party joined their conversation.  They tried to get rid of this person, to no avail.  Then they received messages from "Laura" from her Facebook account, and the Skype member identified themselves as Laura.  At first the friends think this is just a sick joke, until Laura starts threatening them, causing them to play a game where they identify secrets they held against one another.  One-by-on...

Animal Starring Keke Palmer, Jeremy Sumpter, Elizabeth Gillies, Joey Lauren Adams Directed by Brett Simmons Synopsis: In the woods, an unknown animal attacks two couples, killing one woman.  Some time later, five friends travel to the same woods for a day of exploring, when they come upon the same animal and hide in a cabin with the three who survived the attack before.  As the animal stalks the survivors, they plot their escape, in hopes they'll all make it out of the woods alive, but there's more to the animal that meets the eye. Review: "Animal," if it were done by your average inexpensive horror groups, would've been a film securely situated for a Friday night SyFy Original.  Thankfully, "Animal" was produced by Drew Barrymore's company, and featured an impressive pedigree of actors, including Keke Palmer ("Akeelah and the Bee"), Jeremy Sumpter ("Peter Pan"), Joey Lauren Adams ("The Break-Up"), Elizabe...

Berberian Sound Studio Starring Toby Jones, Cosimo Fusco, Antonio Mancino, Fatma Mohamed Directed by Peter Strickland Synopsis: Gilderoy (Toby Jones) is an acclaimed sound engineer, and he's brought to Italy to work on a film that he first thinks is a film about horses, but when he arrives and meets director Santini (Antonio Mancino) and Francesco (Cosimo Fusco), he learns that the film is actually a horror film in the Italian style of Giallo, and he is none too pleased since he's never done horror before. As the film progresses and the people around him become more irritated, angry, and mean, Gilderoy himself begins to doubt his own sanity, suffering from homesickness and questions his own morality, and as the film grows darker, so does Gilderoy, culminating in a decision he must make - whether to keep his nice, albeit intimidated, self - or become as mean as those around him. Review: In the 60s and 70s, Italian Gaillo films were all the rage.  Directors like D...