JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Crawl Starring Georgina Haig, George Shevtsov, Paul Holmes Directed by Paul China In the heart of Australia, shady bar owner Slim (Paul Holmes) hires a Croatian Stranger (George Shevtsov) to off one of his friends who has stiffed him in the past.  After completing this task, the Stranger sets his sights on Slim's waitress, Marilyn (Georgina Haig) for some reason.  What follows is a taunt, Hitchcock-style noir thriller as Marilyn and the Stranger face off at her home, and the horror really begins. While watching this film I couldn't help but find connections to the Cohen Brothers films such as "Blood Simple" and especially "No Country for Old Men," especially with the Stranger, who hardly speaks throughout the film.  The story is simplistic as it is eerie, something that can happen anywhere at anytime, no matter where you live.  There wasn't a lot of dialogue, but rather director Paul China relied on atmosphere and mood to set the terrifyi

Fangoria Presents: Entity Starring Dervla Kirwan, Charlotte Riley, Branko Tomovic, Rupert Hill Directed by Steve Stone In 1998, 34 unidentified bodies were discovered in shallow graves in a Siberian forest.  Years later, a reality ghost hunting show travels to the area with a psychic in order to find out the mystery behind their deaths and discover the identities of the people who were murdered there. Led by psychic Ruth Peacock (Dervla Kirwan) and Russian translator Yuri Levkov (Branko Tomovic), the team - consisting of host Kate Hansen (Charlotte Riley), cameraman Matt Hurst (Rupert Hill) and equipment manager David Hamilton (Oliver Jackson) - discover an abandoned building near where the bodies were found, and uncover a sinister event from the past that doesn't want to stay buried, as the spirits of those who were killed there haunt the building, along with a supernatural evil that makes sure no one who enters the building ever escapes. One thing I like to do is

The Frankenstein Theory Starring Heather Stephens, Kris Lemche, Joe Egender, Timothy Murphy Directed by Andrew Weiner A documentary film crew led by Vicky Stephens (Heather Stephens) travels to the Northern Territory of Canada with Jonathan Venkenhein (Kris Lemche), a young intelligent doctor who is convinced that his ancestor created a creature that Mary Shelley based her novel "Frankenstein" off of.  Of course no one believes him, so he hires the film crew to capture the creature on tape. As it is with found footage films, you can guess how this will turn out.  Everyone lives, the monster comes back to LA with them and he stars in his own reality show.  Everyone makes millions and live in the lap of luxury, and the creature eventually marries Lindsay Lohan. Or not.  That's just what I wished would happen.  Instead, in what seems like a lesser version of the great film "Troll Hunter," all we get is people wandering around, muttering the same ol

The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia Starring Abigail Spencer, Chad Michael Murray, Emily Alyn Lind, Katee Sackhoff Directed by Tom Elkins In the mid 90s, Lisa (Abigail Spencer) and Andy (Chad Michal Murray) Wyrek move to a secluded Georgia home with their young daughter Heidi (Emily Alyn Lind) and Lisa's sister Joyce (Katee Sackhoff).  Almost immediately, Heidi starts having visions of a man named Mr. Gordy (Grant James), and Lisa is quick to dismiss him as a childhood imagination, because she's too afraid of the truth: Heidi, like Lisa, Joyce, and their mother before them, can interact with the dead.  Lisa has been suppressing this gift with medication, while Joyce embraces it and encourages Heidi to embrace it as well. Soon after Mr. Gordy arrives, he warns Heidi that other people are coming, and the family discovers that their house was the home of a Station Master during the Underground Railroad, and several spirits of the slaves kept there keep

Fangoria Presents: Germ Z Starring Marguerite Sundberg, Michael Flores, Mark Chiappone, Beth Pratt Directed by JT Boone & John Craddock A satellite in orbit crashes to earth after being hit by a meteor, and an unknown germ from space has now infected a small town, turning people into ravenous, flesh-eating maniacs.  This virus causes the brain to swell and unleashes a person's violent nature, and if they don't feed on flesh their heads explode.  Speaking of heads exploding, I felt like my head was about to explode with the stupidity of this film.  The makeup design was awful, there was very little plot and the characters were one-dimensional and horrible actors.  Even being a fan of zombie films, this is one of the worst I've seen. Rating: D

Fangoria Presents: Axed Starring Jonathan Hansler, Andrea Gordon, Nicola Posener, Christopher Rithin Directed by Ryan Lee Driscoll In today's world, people lose their jobs everyday.  The unemployment rate is skyrocketing, and families are losing everything. So, what's Kurt (Jonathan Hansler), a former employee at a very prestigeous company, to do once he's been given his walking papers? Kill his boss and family, of course! Kurt takes his wife Steph (Andrea Gordon), his daughter Megan (Nicola Posener) and son Jay (Christopher Rithin) to a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere for a "second chance" at being a good father and husband, but instead he lures his family there to kill them all - and himself - after killing his boss, whom he has captive in the attic. After the family discover what Kurt's plan is, of course they fight back and run for the hills - oh, wait, nevermind.  Instead they stay with their deranged husband and father as h

Riddle Starring Elisabeth Harnois, Val Kilmer, Diora Baird, Ryan Malgarini Directed by John Hartman & Nicholas Mross Holly Teller (Elisabeth Harnois) and her mentally challenged brother Nathan (Ryan Malgarini) live a simple lifestyle with their parents in a higher middle class neighborhood, and everything is going great - except that Nathan keeps getting picked on by Matt (Bryan Lillis) and Cameron (Ben Bledsoe).  The two boys lure Nathan away from school for a drive, and Nathan goes missing. Three years later, Holly comes home from college and thinks she sees her brother with a mysterious man at a farmer's market, and follows them to the town of Riddle, where Sheriff Richards (Val Kilmer) doesn't seem to care anymore about the missing boy. Distraught, Holly runs into the Sheriff's daughter, Amber (Diora Baird), who also went to school with Holly, and she brings her to Matt and Cameron, and together the four of them try to solve the mystery that everyo

Bigfoot County Starring Stephon Stewart, Davee Youngblood, Shy Pilgreen, Sam Ayers Directed by Stephon Stewart Stephon (Stephon Stewart), his brother Davee (Davee Youngblood) and Davee's girlfriend Shy (Shy Pilgreen) decide to head to California to find the ever elusive Bigfoot, in a town that's known for having the most Bigfoot sightings in America. They track down Travis (Sam Ayers), who had made a 911 call saying a Bigfoot had torn his dog in half.  He agrees to take the three wannabe adventurers into the woods to find Bigfoot, but then abandons them, causing them to survive several nights alone in the woods with not just a legendary cryptic, but also a gang of weed growing redneck backwoods hillbillies who have their own odd agenda for the three strangers. Most of the time, when you see that the director, writer, AND lead actor is the same person, you should be wary.  That's because there's no one to tell him that he sucks at all three and should n

Les Miserables Starring Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russell Crowe, Eddie Redmayne, Amanda Seyfried Directed by Tom Hooper Jean Valjean (Hugh Jackman) has spent nineteen years in heavy labor for stealing a loaf of bread for his sister's child.  He is finally set free by Javert (Russell Crowe), with the condition that he appears before a probationary officer on a regular basis.  Valjean makes his way to a church and, after receiving mercy from the priest, decides to no longer be a thief and dedicate his life to being good, and rips the probation papers apart. Years later, Fantine (Anne Hathaway) just lost her job and is living the life of a prostitute to help pay for her child, Cosette, who is living with innkeepers.  Valjean, now a wealthy man, vows to find Cosette and raise her right, and goes in search for her.  He finds Cosette with the two very rude, inconsiderate innkeepers (Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter), and pays for her to live with him, all t

Skyfall Starring Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Javier Bardem, Naomie Harris Directed by Sam Mendes James Bond (Daniel Craig) is hot on the trail of a group of mysterious terrorists who have infiltrated MI6 and retrieved a list of secret agents.  When he is accidentally shot and falls off a bridge, he is presumed dead, and the terrorists target MI6 leader M (Judi Dench), and it appears that whoever is in charge has a personal vendetta against her. Bond, having been found not dead (it's not really a spoiler because it happens first thing in the film, if you really think Bond dies in the first ten minutes of a Bond movie you have some issues), returns on the hunt for the terrorist, known as Silva (Javier Bardem), using everything in his arsenal to track him down, while Silva gets closer to M in an attempt to assassinate her. Daniel Craig is one of the better Bonds (I still feel Sean Connery is the best), and "Casino Royale" was one of the better in the Bond serie

May 2013 Summer Releases Iron Man 3 May 3 Starring Robert Downey Jr, Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Ben Kingsley, Guy Pearce Directed by Shane Black The first film that hits theaters when summer begins often sets the tone for the remainder of the summer.  Last summer it was "The Avengers," which broke every record known to man and became the third highest grossing movie of all time, and the remainder of the summer had some amazing films ("The Dark Knight Rises,"Prometheus," "Brave," "Ted"). In 2011 the first major film in the summer was "Thor," which wasn't extremely well received, and led to a subpar summer movie-going experience overall. This year the first film out of the gate is "Iron Man 3," and by the looks of the previews it's going to be a non-stop action thrill ride, everything a summer blockbuster should be.  It will pail in comparison to "The Avengers," but hopefully people won'

Storage 24 Starring Noel Clarke, Colin O'Donoghue, Antonia Campbell-Hughes, Alex Price Directed by Johannes Roberts A mysterious plane crash occurs in London, and for Jake (Alex Price), it's more of a nuisance than something to be afraid of, as the crash caused the storage place he works at to go into lockdown for some reason.  Outside the storage building, a creature aboard the military plane has broken out of its box and finds its way inside the building, as the lockdown ends.  Meanwhile, Charlie (Noel Clarke) and his best friend Mark (Colin O'Donoghue) are on their way to the storage building to collect items from Charlie's unit that he shared with his girlfriend Shelley (Antonia Campbell-Hughes), whom had just broken up with him.  Unbeknownst to him, Shelley is already at the complex with two of her friends going through her stuff, which leads to an awkward confrontation and long-hidden secrets that are revealed. But then the building goes into loc

The Iron Lady Starring Meryl Streep, Jim Broadbent, Iain Glen, Alexandra Roach Directed by Phyllida Lloyd Meryl Streep embodies the person of Margaret Thatcher, England's first female Prime Minister as she remembers her life from a lower-middle-class worker all the way to being the most powerful woman in government.  She deals with England's financial and political issues and never backs down from constant bombardment from the men of Parliament - both from the rival political party as well as her own.  She shows how she received the title "The Iron Lady" as she fearlessly makes decisions that she knows isn't popular, but is what is needed for the country to flourish.  Meryl Streep is the most iconic, talented, and downright amazing actors of our generation.  She not only performs, but she totally envelops the role she plays.  When you're watching "The Iron Lady," you forget you're watching Meryl Streep act as Margaret Thatcher, and y

Evil Dead Starring Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Elizabeth Blackmore Directed by Fede Alvarez Friends David (Shiloh Fernandez), Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci), Mia (Jane Levy), Olivia (Jessica Lucas) and Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore) travel to siblings David and Mia's old family cabin to help Mia overcome a drug addiction.  While at the cabin they uncover something incredibly evil in the basement - a book whose cover is human skin.  Eric opens the book and unknowingly unleashes a demon that inhabits humans, and latches itself onto Mia. At first the friends think it's withdrawal symptoms, but not long after the demon unleashes its fury on the group, and they discover that it needs five human sacrifices to bring to life the ultimate demon.  As they succumb to the demon's power one-by-one (in extremely gruesome and terrifyingly unpleasant ways), it's up to David to find a way to put the demon down while saving his sister's life. In the early

Seven Psychopaths Starring Colin Farrell, Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson, Christopher Walken Directed by Martin McDonagh Marty (Colin Farrell) is a struggling screenwriter trying to work on his next project, "Seven Psychopaths," about seven different psychopaths who don't kill but rather just talk about their issues.  His best friend Billy (Sam Rockwell) wants more violence in the script, so he sends a call out for any former psychopaths who want to be interviewed for the movie. Meanwhile, he also steals the dog of a psychopath named Charlie (Woody Harrelson), who goes on a rampage in search for the dog nappers, finding Billy's friend Hans (Christopher Walken), and using him to get to Billy and Marty.  The three friends escape into the desert to hide from Charlie and also work on the screenplay, revealing secret identities and causing more turmoil then they had planned. This movie didn't fare well in the theaters because it's not a typical film

Silent Hill Revelation Starring Adelaide Clemens, Sean Bean, Kit Harington, Carrie-Anne Moss Directed by Michael Bassett Heather (Adelaide Clemens) and her adopted father Harry (Sean Bean) travel from town-to-town, on the run from something Heather doesn't fully understand.  They settle in a small town, and she meets fellow newcomer Vincent (Kit Harington), and things seem to return to normal. Then she finds a private investigator who's been following her, someone who was hired by a mysterious cult that they've been running from.  After Harry is abducted by the cult, Heather is instructed to return to Silent Hill, which she has no clue what it means.  After finding a letter from Harry, she learns that her real name is Sharon, and she is the one thing that can end the evil reign of the devil Alessa - or make her more powerful than before. So she delves into the world of Silent Hill to find her father and destroy Alessa, her evil side, for good.  I've n