Firestarter

Firestarter
Starring Ryan Kiera Armstrong, Zac Efron, Michael Greyeyes, Gloria Reuben
Directed by Keith Thomas

Lately there's two production companies that churn out horror films on the regular, and that's A24 and Blumhouse Productions. While A24's horror has been described as "elevated" (including the critically acclaimed films "Hereditary," "Midsommar," "The Lighthouse" and "X"), Blumhouse has had a less than stellar go at producing horror films (some of their hits include their continual work with Jordan Peele) including "Truth or Dare" and remakes of "Fantasy Island," "The Invisible Man," and "Black Christmas." "Firestarter" is another one of Blumhouse's remakes that no one asked for, a film that doesn't hold a match to the original source material, and even the much-maligned Drew Barrymore original film holds up better than this wannabe made-for-TV fizzle.

Andy (Zac Efron) and Vicky (Sydney Lemmon) McGee were tested when they were younger, and given superhuman abilities: Andy gets telepathy, and Vicky gets telekinesis. They go on the run from the government who wants to use them as a weapon, and eventually fall in love and give birth to Charlie (Ryan Kiera Armstrong), who not only has their abilities, but also the ability to create and control fire. They spend their life on the run from Captain Hollister (Gloria Reuben), the leader of the organization who wants to use them - including Charlie - to fulfill their nefarious means. She enlists the help of another superhuman, John Rainbird (Michael Greyeyes), to track them down, but as Charlie learns to use and harness her powers, they might be more afraid of what she'll do to them if they hurt her or her family.

If you think the synopsis of the film is razor thin, mediocre, and predictable - you're right. There's nothing in this film that's at all terrifying, exciting, memorable, or noteworthy. It's a boring slog of a movie that putters at a snail's pace toward its logical conclusion, and if you watch the trailer, you've saved yourself a little over ninety minutes of boredom.

That's definitely not a knock on the Master of Horror Stephen King, but rather a knock on the production values, the performances, and the re-vamped story made for the big screen (or small, as you can also watch it for free on Peacock - if you pay for Peacock). This looks like something that was made in the 90s and accidentally left on a dusty shelf until some janitor late one night accidentally uncovered it while dusting the cobwebs in the dingy forgotten basement of Blumhouse Productions, and decided to release it as it was. Charlie's "fire" effects are laughably bad, the editing is choppy, and the overall values feel like you're watching some sort of made-for-television movie.

The performances are equally as bland, with no one standing out as the performer of the film. Again, that's not a knock on some of the actors, but they work with what they're given, and they all seem like they have somewhere more important to be. Young Ryan Kiera Armstrong tries her hardest to give Charlie a character, but ultimately all she is is a plot device. She's got powers, she doesn't know how to use them, she inadvertently exposes her family to the bad guys, she has a montage of learning her powers, she becomes an expert overnight, and she goes for revenge. Flatline. Equally, Zac Efron (he's playing a FATHER?!) seems bored with the script, as he meanders his way through the story in a dreamwalk haze, and bad guys Gloria Reuben's Hollister and Michael Greyeyes's Rainbird seemed to be snatched up at a generic villain sale at the local Halloween Haunt.

The story includes some newer elements that weren't included in King's book (such as Hollister being a woman, and more time given to Charlie's birth mother), but again they're so bland and generic it makes no difference to how you feel about the story as a whole. It's forgettable, dull, lifeless, and not even Smokey the Bear would ask you to put out this fire - it's already drenched in water.

The Score: D-