The VelociPastor
Starring Gregory James Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Daniel Steere, Yang Jiechang
Directed by Brendan Steere
The concept of the b-rated horror flick has been in existence almost since cinema started, with classics like "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "The Giant Claw" giving birth to a slew of counterparts, with Roger Corman dominating the b-rated horror landscape in the 60s and 70s with cult classics like "Last Woman on Earth," "X: The Man With the X-Ray Eyes," and "Gas-s-s-s." There's something inherently likable about such films, and it could be the fact that they don't take themselves seriously, and very rarely do they have lengthy runtimes to overstay their welcome. While the 80s were the pinnacle of such filmmaking (with the likes of "Chopping Mall" and "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" becoming cult classics), the 2010s saw a resurgence of these types of films. Movies like "Llamageddon," "Inhumanwitch," "Rubber," and "Thankskilling" blends the absurd with the low-budget filmmaking they're known for, and don't advertise themselves as nothing more than a bloody good time that allows you to figuratively turn off your mind and enjoy the insanity. "The VelociPastor" is one such film, a scant 70-minute movie filled with gut-rolling humor and an outlandish story that seems totally fake, but will undoubtedly join the coveted "cult classic" status in years to come.
Doug Jones (Gregory James Cohan) is a devout priest who never misses a Sunday with his fellow priest and mentor Father Stewart (Daniel Steere), until his parents are blown up in a car bomb. Escaping to China to get away from it all, Doug is tasked with an ancient relic that turns him into a Velociraptor and kills bad guys, but he's being hunted by Wei Chan (Yang Jiechang), who's running a school of ninjas bent on selling cocaine to the world before drying up its resources and forcing the addicts to turn to God so they can raise a holy army. When Doug rescues sex worker Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) from an attacker in the woods, she convinces him (along with his vengeance to find who was responsible for his parents' murder) to use his newfound power to punish the wicked and save the good, while being hunted by Chan's army of ninjas.
From almost the very moment the film began, I knew I was in for a wild, adventurous, and totally outrageous ride. The opening scene of Doug's parents getting blown up is an absolute hoot, because...well...you'll just have to see it to believe it. In fact, that's the name of the game for this film: you'll just have to see it to believe it. Words do not do it justice, as the film moves from a priest struggling with his parents' deaths (as what happens to most parents), to sex workers with hearts of gold, learning you have the power of a Velociraptor, conducting seance-exorcisms, being hunted by Chinese ninjas who are clearly American and Australian, said ninja leader who has a huge plan to get people hooked on cocaine before weaning them off it and turning them to God to make a holy army, an unbelievable Vietnam flashback, telekinesis, family secrets, and so much more packed nice and neatly in a small length of time.
Seriously, this is just one of those films that you need to see. Go into it not expecting anything spectacular, and you'll guarantee yourself to have an exceptional time. It'll go into the history books as one of the best cult classic films in recent memory, and strongly earns that distinction.
The Score: C+
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