Fantasy Island

Fantasy Island

Starring Michael Pena, Lucy Hale, Maggie Q, Austin Stowell

Directed by Jeff Wadlow

The classic television series of old have found a resurgence lately, with the likes of "Hawaii Five-O," "MacGuyver," and "Magnum P.I." getting reboots on the small screen, while the big screen has been eyeing certain properties as well, including the oft-forgotten 1977-1984 series "Fantasy Island."  I don't really remember ever seeing an episode, but I do remember the premise: a group of strangers arrive on a mysterious island run by Mr. Roarke who grants them their ultimate fantasy - and in actuality the only thing I really do remember is the small Chinese man named Tattoo call out "the plane boss, the plane!" every time it arrives.  I don't remember it being an actual horror series, but Blumhouse picked it up so of course they would turn it into an horror adventure movie - and make it light on both the horror and adventure.

The film follows five strangers - Gwen Olsen (Maggie Q), Melanie Cole (Lucy Hale), Patrick Sullivan (Austin Stowell), and brohters Brax (Jimmy Yang) and JD (Ryan Hansen) Weaver as they each won a chance to go to Fantasy Island - a mysterious island run by Mr. Roarke (Michael Pena) who promises your ultimate fantasy come true.  There's only two rules: you can't have more than one fantasy, and you must see it through to its logical conclusion.  Gwen wishes for a chance to re-do a past mistake.  Melanie wants revenge against Sloane Maddison (Portia Doubleday) who picked on her in high school.  Patrick wants to be a solider.  Brax and JD want to live the life of luxury.

As each of their fantasies begin, they slowly begin to learn that each fantasy has its dark side, but Roarke won't allow them to stop, because they have to play it out all the way.  Gwen is stalked by a burnt man, while Patrick learns the dark history of his desire to be a solider.  Brax and JD discover the dark side of having it all, while Melanie realizes that Sloane is actually real and they're really torturing her.  Together they have to find a way to end the fantasies for good and make it off the island alive.

There's been a lot said about the demise of the horror franchise, as it seems that there's no good horror films in Hollywood anymore.  To that I say you have to look beyond the generic wannabe crowd pleasers like this, "The Boy II," and "The Grudge" and find the hidden gems like "Gretel & Hansel," "The Perfection," and "Midsommar."  "Fantasy Island" doesn't deliver in any aspect - it's not fantastical, it's not an adventure, and it's not at all horrifying.  It's a bland, generic, wannabe thoughtful movie that tries to make itself smarter than what it is, leaving entire gaping plotholes in its path along with a completely nonsensical script.

Blumhouse had a stinker a few years ago named "Truth or Dare," directed by Jeff Wadlow, and starring Lucy Hale, so I wonder why they would take a chance again by having Wadlow return to direct, and Lucy Hale return to star in another clunker.  Reminds me of the old adage - "fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  I have no idea who thought this would work out, and hopefully this will be the demise of the Wadlow/Hale horror franchise - but maybe that's just my fantasy.

The characters aren't developed in the slightest, but are given daunting scripts that try to make them all encompassing but leaving everyone befuddled.  Maggie Q plays the Karen of the group, the woman who wants a do-over for her fantasy do-over and complaining to management until she gets it, and even when she gets it it's not what she had in mind.  Lucy Hale is truly terrible as Melanie, the girl who wants revenge on a childhood bully for ruining her life, even though she comes across as the bully from the start.  Austin Stowell blends into the background as the guy who always wants to do the right thing, and the annoying duo of Jimmy Yang and Ryan Hansen only prove that if they appear in a movie together, it'll be truly terrible (fact: they both also appeared last month in the God-awful "Like a Boss").  Michael Pena tries too hard to be mysterious, and then there's Michael Rooker who appears in the film in a truly Michael Rooker way, and I only wish he was in it more - or his character made a lick of sense.

The story tries to be a grown-up when it's still walking around in diapers, thinking the turds they fart out are actual golden nuggets.  It expects you to suspend your disbelief and even common sense and see where the movie goes, and tries to throw in the big reveal and twist like a proud newborn who finally learned how to use the toilet.  Except this stinks more than what any toddler would leave in a toilet or diaper.  It makes the audience seem like fools, making us suspect that absolutely nothing is going on - that these five "strangers" really have no connection whatsoever - just to throw it in our faces and say, "aha!  Betcha didn't see that coming!"  You're right, we didn't - because we have brains.  But I guess not enough brains to not sit through this mind-numbing disaster, so I guess you got us there!

Taking an idea from a long-dead television series, "Fantasy Island" fails to deliver on its promises, forcing us to sit through their fantasy of a wannabe thoughtful horror film but instead leaving a nonsensical jumble of a mess thinking it's the most logical conclusion.

The Score: D