Show Dogs

Show Dogs

Starring Ludacris, Will Arnett, Stanley Tucci, Jordin Sparks

Directed by Raja Gosnell

The Story:
Max (Ludacris) is a NYPD Rottweiler police dog who's hot on the case of a stolen panda, when FBI Agent Frank (Will Arnett) compromises his case.  Forced to work together, the two polar opposites head to Las Vegas for a prestigious dog show where they learn the panda will be sold.  However, that kind of life is not Max's style, so he relies on former dog show champion Philippe (Stanley Tucci) to show him how to be prim and proper, as he and Frank learn to work together to find the panda in time.

The Synopsis:
Fur the love of all things great and mighty, I have absolutely no idea why this film was made in the first place.  It's ruff from start to finish, left me many moments to paws and reflect on my choices in life, left me wondering howl I would be able to make up for the lost time seeing this, wished for this reign of terrier to end, and made me decide this kind of film needs to be a dying breed.

Alright, enough of the dog puns...this is truly the dog days of summer...back to the film at hand.  To be fair, seeing the preview I already knew this would be one of the worst films this year (2018 has been terrible for films, and any other year this would be number one for worst, but there's some...ruff...competition - yes, I used "ruff" before here but it's so good it merits seconds!), and to that end the film didn't disappoint.  Yes, it's a film designed for families and young children, but there's a plethora of films out there that can be enjoyed by old and young alike, instead of this mastiff disaster that leaves the children dazed and the parents confused.

Director Raja Gosnell should stay away from filming altogether, as his shtick became stale after his first outing - that abysmal "Scooby Doo" abomination (along with its subsequent sequel, as well as "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" - wow, I spelled Chihuahua right the first time!).  His trademark CGI is all throughout this film, which could've looked good back in 2001, but technology has come a long way baby, and Raja is stuck in his glory Doo days.

The film is as basic as it comes, from the story, to the struggles, the action and ending being as simplistically written that it could've been done by a two-year-old assembling those magnetic letters on a refrigerator.  It left me exhausted, loosing my faith in humanity, and fairly certain it'll show up again during Razzie nominations.  There's no effort whatsoever to make the film at all charming or fun, and I wonder how or why anyone would sign up for this film - from the director to the screenwriter, the actor to the janitors.

There were so many groan-inducing moments that to mention them all would waste the screen on the computer I'm typing on, but the biggest one was Max - voiced by Ludacris - actually exclaiming, "This is ludicrous!"  I wonder how long in his career he's waited to say that.  Such dialogue - if you call it that - is what is sprinkled throughout this...film?...as we move from one set piece to another, one horribly contrived notion to another as it weaves a soul-crushing ride to the thankful conclusion.

There's been one big controversy that the film has sparked, and of course I'm going to talk about it.  During preparations for the dog show, Max has to be inspected - top to bottom.  Frank practices with Max by reaching down...there...and each time Max bites at him because he doesn't want anyone touching him there.  Max's trainer Philippe tells Max to just go to his "zen place" when it happens if he has any hopes of winning the dog show.  On the big night, the judge inspects Max, and he does indeed go to his "zen place" when it happens, and it's downright unnerving.

Typically I think that controversial moments in films grow out of proportion, but with "Show Dogs" I see the controversy and I can clearly understand the worries parents have about letting their children see it.  It gives a meaning that it's alright for an adult to touch private parts of someone who's unwilling as long as that person goes to their "zen place," and grooms them to be a champion (which is what a pedophile could say to a child to lure them to actually let that sick thing happen to them).  It's a shocking misjudgment of character, and even if it was just for a moment it would be unforgivable, but this bit is the longest one in the movie, and gives a clear message that should never have been given in the first place.

The Summary:
Not withstanding the sickening message the film portrays, "Show Dogs" is an absolute disgrace that should never exist, a mind-numbingly terrible film that should be avoided at all costs.

The Score: D-