Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey

Starring Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Marcia Gay Harden

Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson

The Story:
Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is a literature student who travels to Seattle to interview the mysterious and powerful young billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) because her journalist roommate Kate (Eloise Mumford) is ill.  Upon meeting him, Ana is smitten by his charm and mystery, and he is drawn to her innocence and beauty.

The two begin a relationship that at first seems normal, but then Christian discusses his "special needs" that could cause Ana to not want to be with him again, but she's intrigued and explores Christian's rather...unorthodox...methods of love.

The Synopsis:
"Fifty Shades of Grey" is everything that's wrong with the world.  The "book" (I feel that is an insult to great books everywhere, like the Bible, Little Women, or Dr. Seuss) is nothing more than three series of smut novels written by one of the worst authors in the history of mankind, who spent her time writing on a Blackberry.  Such illuminary lines like:
 "And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain—probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells—comes the thought: He's here to see you."
And...
""His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something.""
You have to know this is quite possibly the worst book ever written.

So of course they turn it into a major motion picture.  Because, you know, millions of people bought it.  Probably most of them were painter enthusiasts who wanted an entire house painted different shades of grey.

So who are the unlucky stars who were cast to appear in this drivel, only to be made fun of by the entirety of the world for all eternity?   Actors like Ian Somerhauer and Charlie Hunnam were sought out, but fortunately they had the common sense the size of a pea and decided this would be a tragic idea.  So instead they go for the relative unknown Jamie Dornan, who has as much personality as watching grey paint dry.  For the titillating lead of Ana, it was Don  Johnson and Melanie Griffith's daughter Dakota Johnson who was selected.  Her parents must be so proud.  Sam Taylor-Johnson was set to direct.  If that name rings a familiar bell to you, it should.  She is the wife of "Avengers: Age of Ultron" and "Kick-Ass" star Aaron Taylor-Johnson who - to his credit - doesn't appear in this film.  Then, for some reason, Academy Award winner Marcia Gay Harden decided to take on a supporting role.  Why?  This will forever remain a mystery.

Anyway, back to the leads.  Dornan and Johnson were known to not get along well on the set, and it shows in their chemistry.  You'd get more chemistry from a first grader's chemistry set than these two.  Even in the most...intimate?...scenes, it looks like you're watching two people who could be telecommuting from opposite ends of the world.  Granted, I'm not the target audience for this type of film, so maybe some middle-aged lovelorn women think they got the sizzling chemistry, but I just didn't see it.

If Christian was a redneck overweight uneducated man, the stuff he did would get him at least twenty years in jail.  However, since he's got wealth and good looks, women don't seem to mind.  Ana is a character who sets back the woman's liberation movement hundreds of years.  She willingly succumbs to Christian's every want and need without much argument, even to the point of hurting and humiliating herself.  Margaret Thatcher would be proud.

Getting back to the source material, you can tell there'll be no rising soliloquies or diatribes here.  Just for fun, here are some actual lines from the film.  I repeat, these are ACTUAL LINES FROM THE FILM:
Christian Grey: It's just behind this door.
Anastasia Steele: What is?
Christian Grey: My playroom.
Anastasia Steele: Like your Xbox and stuff?
Anastaia Steele: Oh, I'm in line because I have to pee really bad.

Christian Grey: Where have you been?  Anastasia Steele: Waiting.

So there, that's some of the thought-provoking and revolutionary dialogue you'll find here.

The best parts of the film are when Christian gives Anatasia a contract to submit to his needs.  A contract.  With appendixes, sub-points, everything.  There's a whole scene where they're discussing the contract like a business deal.  That really happened.

Unsurprisingly, the film made millions based alone on the older woman fanbase, much like "Twilight" did with the younger female audiences.  Hence, I will never fully understand the appeal - nor do I want to.

The saddest thing is the stuff that happened to the main actors.  Jamie Dornan has said after filming, when he would go home to his wife and child, he would take multiple showers to wash off the filth he felt.  Dakota Johnson forbade her famous parents from seeing the film.  Sam Taylor-Johnson has refused to film any sequels.  You think this is something they're proud of?

The Summary:
Christian Grey had a great line near the end of the film - "I'm fifty shades of f****ed up."  That easily sums up this movie.

The Score: D

Just for kicks and giggles, here is the Honest Trailer for "Fifty Shades of Grey."  Pure awesomeness: