JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Honeymoon Starring Rose Leslie, Harry Treadaway, Ben Huber, Hanna Brown Directed by Leigh Janiak Synopsis: Newlywed couple Bea (Rose Leslie) and Paul (Harry Treadaway) head to the woods for a special honeymoon, staying at a cabin Bea lived in growing up.  At first everything is fine, and the couple are in the middle of wedded bliss. Then one night Paul wakes up and Bea is gone.  Searching the woods, he finds her naked and without any knowledge of how she got there.  Things get worse when Bea begins forgetting things, acting strangely, and having unexplained marks on her body.  As Paul tries to discover the truth, he learns that the woman he married isn't the woman he's with now. Review: "Honeymoon" could have been a fantastic double-meaning film that not only centers on the extraterrestrial outer layers, but also an inner meaning of the fears of marriage and worrying if the person you said you'd spend the rest of your life with is indeed the perso...

Kingsman: The Secret Service Starring Taron Egerton, Colin Firth, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Caine Directed by Matthew Vaughn Synopsis: The Kingsmen are a secret group of British spies who repeatedly saved the world while no one noticed.  During one mission, one of the Kingsmen is killed protecting the others, and Galahad (Colin Firth) feels especially responsible for the deadly mistake, so he reaches out to his colleague's widow and young son, offering help when they needed it. Seventeen years later, the young son, Eggsy (Taron Egerton) is grown up, unemployed and, although intelligent, seems to have his life reduced to petty crimes.  He's arrested and calls Galahad for help, and Galahad takes him under his wing to train him to be a new Kingsman after another member fell at the hands of Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson). As Eggsy learns to be a true Kingsman, Galahad learns Valentine's deadly plans for offering free SIM cards to everyone in the world.  He set...

Seed 2 Starring Natalie Scheetz, Christa Campbell, Annika Strauss, Sarah Hayden Directed by Maarcel Walz Synopsis: Christine (Natalie Scheetz), Olivia (Christa Campbell), Claire (Annika Strauss) and Barbara (Sarah Hayden) are driving to Vegas for Christine's wedding when their RV breaks down in the desert and they come across a police officer hitchhiking, which turns into a desperate fight for survival as a deranged killer known as Seed (Nick Principe) is stalking the girls, killing them brutally. Review: As soon as the first frame begins, the words "Uwe Boll" flashes across the screen, and I automatically turn off my mind and consciousness, because I already know this is gonna be an unmitigated mess.  Apparently this is a sequel to his 2006 film which doesn't require one, as the only connecting tie is the main villain. "Seed 2" seems to want to be a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" or "The Hills Have Eyes" ripoff, and it even fa...

Donner Pass Starring Desiree Hall, Colley Bailey, Erik Stocklin, Adelaide Kane Directed by Elise Robertson Synopsis: Donner's Pass in the late 1800s.  Everyone knows the story of a group of settlers stranded in the wilderness in the winter forcing to eat each other in order to survive.  However, that's not entirely true, as one man led the group there in order to kill them all and eat them to satisfy a hunger inside. Fast forward to today.  Nice girl Kayley (Desiree Hall), her d-bag boyfriend Mike (Colley Bailey), the stuck-up snob Nicole (Adelaide Kane), and the shy, quiet Thomas (Erik Stocklin) are on their way to Thomas' parents' cabin in Donner Pass, expecting a fun weekend of skiing.  Instead they get slashing, as a mysterious man is hunting them, with an axe to grind. Review: There is a few things I can appreciate about this film: -It harkens back to the classic 80s slasher flicks that stars a bunch of interchangeable characters who are known ...

The ABCs of Death 2 Following the surprise hit "The ABCs of Death," 26 new directors were given a letter of the alphabet and made a short film based off death from the particular letter they got.  Once again, to properly review this film, I'll take each small film as its own: A is for Amateur: A hired hitman has a plan to assassinate a target, but it doesn't go according to plan.  A clever way to start off the series, smart and very well-produced for a short film.  A- B is for Badger: A wildlife documentary on the supposed death of local badgers due to a nuclear power plant goes terribly wrong.  Funny, violent, and the idiot gets what he deserves.  B+ C is for Capital Punishment: A group of townspeople decide a man is guilty of murder and perform their own brand of justice.  Gory, surprising and leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth, so they did their job well.  A D is for Deloused: A stop-motion short about a man being mur...

A Serbian Film Starring Srdjan Todorovic, Sergej Trifunovic, Jelena Gavrilovic, Slobodan Bestic Directed by Srdjan Spasojevic Synopsis: Mikos (Srdan Todorovic) is a retired porn star, who is now married to Marija (Jelena Gavrilovic) and has a young son.  Finances are troubling, so he decides to do one more porno under the direction of the mysterious Vukmir (Sergej Trifunovic). Not knowing the details of the video, Mikos decides to dive head into the project, but soon becomes unnerved at the premise of it all.  As he decides to quit, Vukmir shows him some truly nasty porn and drugs Mikos.  When he comes to, he's covered in blood with no knowledge of what happened, and no sign of his wife and son.  As he travels back through the events of the previous three nights, he discovers the unimaginable had been done, and finally concludes there's no way out of the personal hell he created. Review: Listed by many as the most sick, sadistic and downright unwatch...

Boyhood Starring Ellar Coltrane, Patricia Arquette, Ethan Hawke, Lorelei Linklater Directed by Richard Linklater Synopsis: "Boyhood" is a tale of Mason (Ellar Coltrane), his sister Samantha (Lorelei Linklater), their divorced Mom (Patricia Arquette) and visiting Dad (Ethan Hawke) as they span a timeframe of twelve years from when Mason was six to eighteen, and how each year affects Mason and the family.  Review: Grand in scale, but extremely simple and relateable in scope, "Boyhood" is Richard Linklater's labor of love, as he spent twelve years putting together the lives of Mason and his family, following their hopes, dreams, loves and losses and how they dealt with life's ups and downs along the way. There isn't much to talk about concerning the plot because, well, there really wasn't any.  There was no real point to the film, no beginning and no conclusion, nothing to wrap everything up because there was nothing to wrap.  It was ju...

Exodus: Gods and Kings Starring Christian Bale, Joel Edgerton, Ben Kingsley, Aaron Paul Directed by Ridley Scott Synopsis: For 400 years, the Hebrew people have been held in slavery to the Egyptians, building their pyramids and statues.  Moses (Christian Bale) is a member of the royal family of Egypt and a general in the army.  After a meeting with the Hebrew elder Nun (Ben Kingsley), Moses learns that he is also a Hebrew who was rescued during the time where all firstborn Hebrew children were sentenced to death and raised in Pharaoh's home. After killing an Egyptian guard, he returns home and the Pharaoh dies, where Ramses (Joel Edgerton) takes on the role of the next Pharaoh.  He banishes Moses for revealing that he is a Hebrew and Moses wanders the countryside, falls in love with Zipporah, and has a son.  Nine years later, he encounters God as a child and is told to be a savior to the Hebrew people, so he sets out to free them from the bondage of sl...

The Gambler Starring Mark Wahlberg, Brie Larson, John Goodman, Jessica Lange Directed by Rupert Wyatt Synopsis: Jim Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) is the entitled grandson of the 17th wealthiest man in California, and is a college lit professor.  He also has a gambling problem, seeing the world as an "all or nothing" deal, he strives to have it all but ends up loosing more than winning. He falls into hard times, owing $260,000 to the owner of an underground gambling ring, and another $50,000 to loan shark Neville Baraka (Michael K. Williams).  Unable to pay these debts he goes to Frank (John Goodman), another loan shark, but refuses his money after Frank demands Jim to admit he's less of a man.  So Jim turns to his wealthy mother Roberta (Jessica Lange), who gives him the money that he then gambles away while out with his student Amy (Brie Larson). Facing possible death at the hands of Neville, Jim uses one of his students to possibly throw an important basketball ga...