JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Rock of Ages Starring Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin Directed by Adam Shankman In Hollywood in 1987, young starlet wannabe Sherrie (Julianne Hough) arrives from her small town midwest hometown in hopes of making it big as a singer.  Things don't go especially well on her first day, but she does meet Drew (Diego Boneta), who's a barback at a club called The Bourbon Room, which is famous for finding the talent Stacee Jaxxx (Tom Cruise).  Drew convinces his bosses (Alec Baldwin & Russell Brand) to hire Sherrie, and sparks fly between the two. When a misunderstanding comes between the two, they go their separate ways.  Sherrie takes another job at a gentleman's club run by Justice (Mary J. Blige), while Drew signs up with producer Paul (Paul Giamatti) to become the next big rock star - but ends up fronting a boy band instead.  Meanwhile, activist Patricia (Catherine Zeta-Jones) sets out to bring down the Bourbon Room, and Rolli...

No Tell Motel Starring Rileigh Chalmers, Johnny Hawkes, Chalie Howes, Andrew MacFarlane Directed by Brett Donowho Decades ago, young Angela (Rileigh Chalmers) was accidentally killed on the road in front of her family's small motel.  Today, five friends come upon the abandoned motel in search of safety after a car accident, and find out that the motel isn't the only thing harboring deadly secrets. I've seen a plethora of cheap horror films, but this one takes the cake for the biggest waste of time, worst talent, lamest story and convoluted progress. These five "friends" are the worst type of friends you could ever imagine.  Included in the group is a druggie, a rapist, a cutter, someone who was involved in a hit and run, and someone who just discovered they're pregnant.  None of the friends apparently know about each others' secrets, but the motel brings them to light - by using them as a means of killing each of them. As far as acting go...

Come Out and Play Starring Ebon Moss-Bachrach, Vinessa Shaw, Daniel Cacho, Gerardo Taracena Directed by Makinov Francis (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) and his wife Beth (Vinessa Shaw) decide to take a vacation to a small Mexican island while Beth is seven months pregnant.  Upon arriving on the island, they discover it's pretty much deserted, except for a bunch of children.  When they witness one of the kids killing one of the few adults on the island, they learn that the other adults have all been slaughtered by the children, who have fallen under some sort of illness, and they're next on the list. Upon viewing this film, obvious connections to Stephen King's classic "The Children of the Corn" came to mind, as it seems it's pretty much the same thing, except taking place on a Spanish island, and there's no set child leader like Isaac was.  After seeing the film, I investigated and found that it's practically a shot-for-shot remake of the 1976 fil...

Curse of Chucky Starring Fiona Dourif, Brad Dourif, Danielle Bisutti, Brennan Elliott Directed by Don Mancini Nica (Fiona Dourif), a paraplegic, and her mother Sarah (Chantal Quesnelle) live in a huge mansion alone, set off from the rest of the world because Sarah wants to "protect" her daughter.  One day a mysterious package arrives, and inside is Chucky (voiced by Fiona's real-life father Brad), a maniacal murderous soul trapped in the body of a doll.  That night, Sarah mysteriously dies. The next day Nica's sister Barb (Danielle Bisutti), her husband Ian (Brennan Elliott), their young daughter Alice (Summer Howell) and Alice's nanny Jill (Maitland McConnell - who eerily resembles Amanda Seyfried) arrive to help Nica with the funeral arrangements and to also console their family member.  Alice takes a shining to Chucky and we soon see that the family dynamic isn't as quaint as it seems. Meanwhile, Chucky unleashes his murderous fury on the ...

The Oranges Starring Hugh Laurie, Leighton Meester, Alia Shawkat, Oliver Platt Directed by Julian Farino In the New Jersey suburb called the Oranges, there is two families that have been best friends for years.  David (Hugh Laurie), his wife Paige (Catherine Keener), and their children Vanessa (Alia Shawkat) and Toby (Adam Brody) have been friends with Terry (Oliver Platt), his wife Cathy (Allison Janney) and daughter Nina (Leighton Meester). Nina and Vanessa were best friends growing up until Nina went with the popular crowd, and is now living away from her family.  When her boyfriend cheats on her, she returns home and begins a shocking relationship with David - who is far older, and is also married.  When the families find out what's happening, their friendship suffers and each of them goes through a transformation that significantly alters their lives forever. The story is interesting enough, but it lacks depth.  The director tried too hard to f...

Stitches Starring Ross Noble, Tommy Knight, Shane Murray-Corcoran, Gemma-Leah Devereux Directed by Conor McMahon Stitches (Ross Noble) is a terrible clown with very little charisma and a real hate for children.  He is paid to perform at a birthday party of young Tom (Ryan Burke), and Tom and his friends play a prank on him, which unintentionally causes him to stumble and fall on a knife, killing him. Years later, Tom (Tommy Knight) is about to celebrate another birthday, and the first time since he was young he plans a party with his friend Vinny (Shane Murray Corcoran) and his love interest Kate (Gemma-Leah Devereux).  Unbeknownst to them, a secret clown society has brought Stitches back to life, and he's out to get revenge on Tom and the other kids from his childhood party that caused his death.  As Tom's friends die one-by-one by hilarious means, he must find a way to send Stitches back to the dead before he becomes the next victim. The story is comp...

Thor: The Dark World Starring Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins Directed by Alan Taylor Centuries ago there was an epic battle between the dark Elves and Asgardians over the power of the Aether, a mythical force that could bring darkness to the nine realms once they unite in an event known as the Convergence.  The Asgardians manage to defeat the Elves, but their leader, Malekith (Christopher Eccleston) escapes with some of his soldiers. Two years after the attack on New York, Loki (Tom Hiddleston) is sent to an Asgard prison by his adoptive father, Odin (Anthony Hopkins).  Meanwhile, Odin's son Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is trying to bring the nine realms to peace, all the while pining over his love on Earth, Jane (Natalie Portman). On Earth, Jane and her intern come across mysterious events that cause matter to appear and disappear, and Jane comes into contact with the Aether.  Thor comes to Earth to bring Jane back to Asgard a...

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan Starring Amber Connor, Thomas Downey, Kristina Kopf, Jesse Kove, Tim Lovelace Directed by Gary Jones Back in the late 1800s, a group of settlers kill Babe, the big blue ox belonging to legendary Paul Bunyan.  He discovers what happened and murders the settlers, and creates a special monument for Babe.  Decades later, a group of misfits in the woods finds Babe's remains and takes one of its horns, which re-ignites Bunyan's (who is now a huge giant) anger, and he sets out to kill those who defiled Babe's grave. Typically the SyFy Channel has terrible movies, with horrible CGI, worthless acting and terrible plots.  This film is no different, but there's a sense of fun to it that other films didn't have.  They stuck to the typical characterizations - a no-nonsense drill sergeant, a psychiatrist who is way too nice, the jock, the nice girl, the slut, the token black guy, even the crazed old man who lives in the woods who ...

Cool Air Starring Morgan Weisser, Crystal Green, Wendy Phillips, Jenny Paulin Directed by Albert Pyun Down-and-out screenwriter Charles Baxter (Morgan Weisser) is trying to re-vitalize his former greatness, but right now he's poor and settles for living in a room in a house belonging to Mrs. Baxter (Wendy Phillips) and her autistic daughter Estella (Jenny Paulin).  Upon moving in, he realizes there is an odd neighbor upstairs who keeps an air conditioner at 55 degrees, which sometimes condensates into his room, along with a pundit smell.  One day Charles suffers a heart attack and is rescued by the reclusive neighbor, who turns out to be a doctor, Dr. Shockner (Crystal Green), who brings him back to life, and then tells him a story most bizarre and horrific, and how he now must continue the story. Taken from a short story written by the brilliant horror author H.P. Lovecraft, this direct-to-DVD version has some mild hits, but unfortunately some bigger misses. ...

Frankenstein's Army Starring Karel Roden, Alexander Mercury, Robert Gwilym, Joshua Sasse Directed by Richard Raaphorst A small Russian platoon is infiltrating the German countryside in search of a missing Russian army, when they come into contact with something far more terrifying than they could image. Victor Frankenstein (Karel Roden), the direct descendant of the original Frankenstein, has brought back to life dead corpses, but made them even "better" by fusing them with robotic parts, including propellers, drills, saws and other devices to help the Nazis win the war.  He unleashes their fury on the unsuspecting Russian troop, with extremely gruesome and terrifying consequences. "Frankenstein's Army" follows the long line of recent horror films that delve into the supernatural aspect of the Nazi regime (including "War of the Dead," "Outpost," "Outpost II" and "Nazis at the Center of the Earth").  This...

Ted Starring Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane, Joel McHale Directed by Seth MacFarlane Growing up, young John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) didn't have any friends, and one Christmas he received a teddy bear he called Ted.  One night he wished that Ted would be real so he would have a friend, and the next day Ted comes alive, and the two become best friends.  Ted's magical transformation also draws attention to national and international news, and he becomes an overnight celebrity, all the while maintaining his friendship with John. As John grows up, he meets and falls in love with Lori (Mila Kunis), and, after four years of being together, she wants to take things to the next level.  The only issue is that John still has Ted, who has become a bitterly sarcastic, drunk, pot-smoking bad influence on John, who refuses to grow up.  Eventually Lori gives him an ultimatum - either it's her, or Ted.  Seth MacFarlane, who is best known for creatin...