If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You
Starring Rose Byrne, Conan O'Brien, Danielle Macdonald, Christian Slater
Directed by Mary Bronstein

I'll never know how it feels to be a mother, and hopefully never know how it feels to be a father either. Some people are born caregivers and parents, while others aren't, and I certainly fall into the "aren't" category. I can't imagine all the weight being a parent has on a person, let alone a mother who has really no one else to turn to. The weight seems unbearable, and when your child is dealing with a strange illness, it's even more unimaginable. That's what life is like for Linda in "If I Had Legs I'd Kick You," a rare tour-de-force performance by the generally comedic Rose Byrne in a once-in-a-career role.

Linda (Rose Byrne) is juggling a lot right now. Her husband Charles (Christian Slater), a sea captain, is away for a several-month tour. Her daughter (Delaney Quinn) is consistently talking and being annoying, while refusing to eat and having to have a tube in her at night to feed her that she constantly has to upkeep, the beeping keeping her up at night. A hole forms in her apartment flooding it, and it seems the landlords aren't in any hurry to fix it. She works as a therapist to several clients including young mother Caroline (Danielle Macdonald) who is suffering from post-partum depression. Her own therapist (Conan O'Brien) doesn't seem to care about her problems and comes off as off-putting. Nothing seems to be going right in her world, and the weight of it all comes crashing down on her.

"If I Had Legs I'd Kick You" is one of those films you can really only see once, and not because it's terrible. In fact, it's an extraordinary look at the dangers of motherhood and what happens when someone doesn't feel like they should be a mother coming into conflict with the world around her with no support to keep her lifted. It's depressing, anxiety-driven, and offers little hope that Linda will pull through. A small snippet of her life is displayed, and if her entire life is like this, it's a miracle she's survived everything so far.

Rose Byrne is best known for comedic roles in "Bridesmaids," "Spy," and "Neighbors," but there's little humor to be had here, as she puts her entire soul into this production in a way that makes you wonder how she made it through mentally unscathed. Having an actor go through the turmoil Linda goes through can't be easy, even though it's fake, and Byrne recklessly abandons herself into the role, teetering on the edge of sanity. Nothing goes right for her, and essentially she endures Murphy's Law - everything that can go wrong, does, and she unfortunately has no support net to keep her lifted.

Her husband, played by Christian Slater, is only heard through phone calls since he's away on work, and treats her terribly. She cries to him about their daughter's illness and her refusal to help; she whines about the hole in the ceiling; she screams that she's losing her mind and all he talks about is how easy she has it and lambasts her for being too lazy. 

Kids can be a handful, as evidenced in movies like "The Babadook," "Problem Child," and "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," and the daughter in this movie is no different. Director and writer Mary Bronstein makes sure you never see the daughter's face, treating her more as a burden than a person, much as how Linda sees her. She's constantly screaming or shouting about something and blowing everything out of proportion (as when the hole appears in the ceiling and water spews from it, she cries that she doesn't like how it feels on her socks, and asks if they're going to die; later when she whines about getting a guinea pig and does, she hates it because it tries to get out and squeaks too much). It's easy to see how Linda sees her more as a burden than a daughter, not really feeling any love connection between the two as she spends sleepless nights with the beeping of the machine that is feeding her, since she's a picky eater and doesn't want to eat. 

Her co-worker and therapist isn't much help either, as he dismisses her concerns and doesn't seem at all interested in her problems. Much like Byrne, Conan O'Brien is known for his comedy, but here he sheds any sense of comedy and instead becomes a particular villain in Linda's life, not paying attention to what she's saying and even berates her for her attitude. 

Throughout all this, there's a musical score that never lets up and creates a continual unsettling feeling in the viewer, and as the hole in Linda's apartment grows and goes unattended, so does the hole in her own life gets bigger as well, with no one to attend to it as well. She spirals downward at a breakneck pace, and Byrne rightfully is receiving critical acclaim and awards consideration for this unique role that comes around only once in an actor's career, and she absolutely nails it.

The Score: A+