JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Whistle Starring Dafne Keen, Sophie Nelisse, Sky Yang, Jhaleil Swaby Directed by Corin Hardy The horror cinematic landscape is littered with the corpses of films that center on a group of teenagers who are picked off one-by-one by a mysterious curse or entity, and most of them have fallen into obscurity. "Whistle" is going to be another one of those ill-fated films, a movie so formulaic, simplistic and by-the-books you'll forget it as you get into your car to drive home. That's not to say there's no redeeming qualities, but those qualities are very few and far between - ultimately, this is just another generic film with mediocre performances overlayed by unique if not overly CGI kills. Chrys Willet (Dafne Keen) is attending a new school after tragic events in her hometown, and is living with her cousin Rel Taylor (Sky Yang), a loner nerd who pines for pretty girl Grace Browning (Ali Skovbye) who's dating basketball star Dean Jackson (Jhaleil Swaby). At her fir...

Shelter Starring Jason Statham, Bodhi Rae Breathnach, Bill Nighy, Naomi Ackie Directed by Ric Roman Waugh Every year has events that you know are coming - your birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the Super Bowl, and a Jason Statham-led action film that teeters the line of being decent and dull. 2023's "Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre" was forgettable. 2024's "The Beekeeper" was one of his better outings and has earned a sequel for 2027. Last year's "A Working Man" falls somewhere in-between. "Shelter," sadly, is the worst of these middle-of-the-road films, a movie that relies heavily on tropes that it doesn't have a chance to form a cohesive story. Michael Mason (Jason Statham) is a former government assassin living a peaceful, lonely life with his dog at an abandoned lighthouse, and is only visited by young Jessie (Bodhi Rae Breathnach) and her uncle to deliver supplies, but he never speaks to them. One day Jessie confronts him ...

Solo Mio Starring Kevin James, Nicole Grimaudo, Alyson Hannigan, Kim Coates Directed by Chuck Kinnane & Dan Kinnane Valentine's Day often has movies that are extremely mediocre but serves to scratch the itch of couples looking for something to see on the big screen. 2026's big movie is "Wuthering Heights," but there's a slew of lackluster romantic comedies that men will inevitably have to sit through because their girlfriends want to. "Solo Mio" is one such movie - a basic, vanilla, unmemorable, bland movie that's nowhere near to being good but also nowhere near to being terrible, resulting in something even worse: a forgettable movie that no one will remember. Matt Taylor (Kevin James) is an art teacher who falls for fellow teacher Heather (Julie Ann Emery), and the two get engaged and go to Rome to get married. However, on their wedding day Heather gets cold feet and leaves Matt at the altar, leaving him to go solo on a duo honeymoon package, d...

The Strangers: Chapter 3 Starring Madelaine Petsch, Gabriel Basso, Ema Horvath, Richard Brake Directed by Renny Harlin "Does there have to be a why?" That question is asked in "The Strangers: Chapter 3," but it's also a question one should ask director Renny Harlin. Does there have to be a "why" he decided to remake a classic 2008 thriller into three movies that strips any excitement, mystery, or horror the original possessed? Does there have to be a "why" in elongating a simple story into three chapters that makes it feel extremely tedious, drawn out, and pointless? Does there have to be a "why" is there a script that's so bare bones it barely fits one movie, let alone three? Does there have to be a "why" you would subject viewers to this type of dull, lifeless monotony...three times over? The answer is "no," and fortunately, thankfully, this three-chapter saga is finally over and ends with a whimper instead...

Dracula Starring Caleb Landry Jones, Christoph Waltz, Zoe Bleu, Matilda De Angelis Directed by Luc Besson By now everyone knows the story of Dracula, from Bram Stoker's iconic 1897 novel based on the real Vlad the Impaler, a ruthless ruler who impaled the heads of his victims on pikes. Dracula is a vampire who murders and turns others into vampires to do his bidding, and is the most well-known of them all - so much so that in the last five years there's been four Dracula-based movies. Much like the zombie genre, it might be time to put Dracula back in his coffin for a few decades, especially after Luc Besson's abysmal version that basically is the Temu version of the iconic Francis Ford Coppola's "Dracula." Prince Vladimir of Wallachia (Caleb Landry Jones) and his wife Elisabeta (Zoe Bleu) are living the life of luxury in his castle when his land comes under attack by the Ottomans, and in the ensuing battle Elisabeta is murdered. Vladimir renounces his belief ...

Iron Lung Starring Mark Fischbach, Caroline Rose Kaplan, Troy Baker, Elsie Lovelock Directed by Mark Fischbach Very rarely is there a movie I go into totally blind - no reviews, no trailers, no synopsis, no information whatsoever. "Iron Lung" is one such film: a movie that all I knew of was the behind-the-scenes work that was done to get it finished, along with a mysterious movie poster that I, for some reason, thought was a werewolf (I have no idea why). I also knew it was based on a video game that I never heard of, but after seeing the movie I looked into it and it seems like a "Five Nights at Freddy's" style game - one location, one person, looking through pictures and traversing an unrelenting landscape in a submarine. Not knowing anything about the game served as a detriment for me, however, as those who knew the game really liked the movie while I found myself confused and somewhat bored with the proceedings, but it doesn't take away from the monument...