White Men Can't Jump

White Men Can't Jump
Starring Sinqua Walls, Jack Harlow, Teyana Taylor, Laura Harrier
Directed by Calmatic

We're almost halfway through 2023, and already we've been "gifted" with two totally abysmal, soul-less, cheap cash grab remakes of beloved - if not flawed - comedies of the 1990s. It started in January with "House Party" (which I haven't seen yet to be fair, but I'm about 100% convinced it's gonna end up on my bottom of the year list when I finally want to punish myself enough to watch it), and now it's "White Men Can't Jump," a remake of the classic 1992 film starring Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson and Rosie Perez. While that film wasn't exceptional by any means, it's held a longevity that's lasted the last thirty years (and even earned a standing ovation when the three reunited at the 2022 Oscars), and I doubt that in 2053, there'll be a standing ovation for the long-awaited reunion of Sinqua Walls and Jack Harlow from that beloved remake "White Men Can't Jump" from 2023.

Kamal Allen (Sinqua Walls) once had a promising career in basketball, signing on to play in college after high school, but ten years later he's playing pickup games at the local gym, after a series of events happened to him that derailed his dream. He's married to hairdresser Imani (Teyana Taylor) and have a young son, and he wants to find a way to support them. When he hears of a basketball tournament offering $500,000 to the winning team, he sees it as his opportunity to give his family everything they need - but he needs someone on his team.

One day he meets Jeremy (Jack Harlow), a white guy who used to play basketball but tore both his ACLs, relegating him to serving as a personal trainer who also grifts basketball players after they assume he can't play. After he grifts Kamal, he earns Kamal's respect and the two join forces to grift their way to the tournament, which Jack wants to win so he can fix his ACLs and also give his girlfriend Tatiana (Laura Harrier) everything she deserves. As they play pickup games for cash, the two learn more about each others' lives, and their hidden demons that threaten to break up the dynamic duo before the big game.


The Good:
This was one of Lace Reddick's final films, playing Kamal's father Benji. As always Reddick was a consummate professional, and he gave it his all in this very lackluster remake that reminds us of what a great talent we lost too soon.

After watching this "movie," you'll have a newfound appreciation for the original, and you'll adore it all over again. Seeing the nuanced relationship between the three key players - Snipes, Harrelson and Perez - will bring a smile to your face after the scowl you'll have after seeing this one.


The Bad:
While the original "White Men Can't Jump" focused on the reverse racism that white people face on the court (the title says it all, they didn't think Harrelson's character could jump or play basketball at all due to his race), this one doesn't really hone in on that aspect at all, but rather glosses over any important thematic elements in favor of fast-edited montages of Kamal and Jeremy playing basketball interspersed with repetitive dialogue about wanting to make things better for their families, for themselves, and so on. There's no deeper meaning here other than to produce something that people will go, "oh, I remember the original, I wonder how the remake would be!" Spoiler alert: bad.

Sinqua Walls and Jack Harlow have absolutely no chemistry together, and their friendship on screen feels forced and unnatural, unlike Snipes and Harrelson, who's characters grew to care for one another during the film. They pretty much have the same relationship at the end as they did at the beginning - a sense of respect for one another, with light-natured jabs at each other's predicaments while also spouting inspirational quotes you find on the side of coffee mugs. Their performances don't add anything to the story, and their already paper-thin script was lessened by their lack of desire to even be there (or at least that's how it seemed).

The majority of the film is just quick-edited montages of the two playing basketball games, which would've worked if you cared about their story or why they were doing what they were doing. Instead it's like watching a highlight reel on ESPN about a small-town basketball duo that you've never heard of nor care about, and doesn't go much farther from there.

The championship game was supposed to be the denouement of the story, the epic clash of David versus Goliath, but it's so deflated you don't even care about the outcome (which we all know anyway) due to how fast it ended, and how little stakes there seemed to be on the court.

The film follows the traditional beats of a tired comedic trope: two different people come together over a shared love for something (in this case basketball), decide they have to get money to take care of their needs and the needs of their loved ones, encounter personal growth along the way, come across their past sins that threaten to derail them at the final moments, come back together in the nick of time, and end up victorious. Is that a spoiler? It would've been if this was an intelligently written film, but as it is it's not a spoiler because it's what you'd expect to happen.


The Verdict:
"White Men Can't Jump" was a comedic treasure back in 1992, highlighting the aspects of white people playing basketball in a way that was funny but also enlightening, and the 2023 version is more like someone hitting you over the head with a mallet repeatedly while screaming, "laugh! Laugh! LAUGH!" and we don't laugh.

The Score: D-

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