JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Five Nights at Freddy's Starring Josh Hutcherson, Piper Rubio, Elizabeth Lail, Matthew Lillard Directed by Emma Tammi I remember when I was a child going to Chuck E. Cheese's for my birthday parties and seeing the big animatronic creatures on stage singing Happy Birthday with totally wrong lip-syncing and fake instrument playing. It was the time of my life, and obviously that nostalgia is what makes "Five Nights at Freddy's" so endearing to an older crowd. Starting out as a series of app games, the concept was simple - watch monitors and make sure you're always watching the animatronics, because if not they'll come alive and kill you with less-than-effective jump scares. I barely got through about ten minutes of playing before giving up out of sheer boredom, but obviously the game garnered a huge following, especially with the younger crowd: kids toys and even children's novels about the franchise sell like hotcakes, and it's a unique brand that ca...

Hell Van Starring Jorge Delarosa, Marvin Conner, Justin Cash, Meredith Hillard Directed by Jorge Delarosa Horror has always been my favorite genre of movies because the sky's the limit when it comes to creativity. You have an idea of having a woman's privates eating men? You get "Teeth." You have a concept of a zombie apocalypse seen through the eyes of zombies, you get "Aaah! Zombies!" A reclining chair that becomes enchanted by a girl and commits murderous acts of passion? "Killer Sofa!" There's no idea that's too outlandish for the horror genre, and as long as you have passion, heart, and drive (as well as the technical aspects like money, actors, sets, props, costumes, etc.), you can make your dream come true. "Hell Van" is one such film, a small independent feature that was completely sourced by the film's director, writer, co-producer and star Jorge Delarosa. Is it going to be a polished horror blockbuster done by a soul...

Cobweb Starring Woody Norman, Lizzy Caplan, Antony Starr, Cleopatra Coleman Directed by Samuel Bodin "Cobweb" was one of those smaller horror films that hit with gusto, becoming a word-of-mouth horror film that couldn't be missed, a story so shocking and intense that you wouldn't be able to get it out of your head. At least that's what some people said, and the hype train begun. When I finally got to watch it on Hulu, I liked the concept, but ultimately felt like it was a skeleton of a horror movie - it had all the right ingredients, but ultimately didn't go anywhere with it, filled with predictable beats of other horror movies it clearly takes liberties from. Peter (Woody Norman) is a bullied eight-year-old who lives with his distant, odd-acting parents Carol (Lizzy Caplan) and Mark (Antony Starr) who doesn't seem to care that he hears knocking and a voice in the walls of their home. His only confidant is substitute teacher Ms. Devine (Cleopatra Coleman) ...

Killers of the Flower Moon Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Robert De Niro, Lily Gladstone, Jesse Plemons Directed by Martin Scorsese It's no secret Martin Scorsese is one of this generation's most talented, ingenious directors who's provided cinematic masterpieces time and again. "Goodfellas," "Raging Bull," "The Departed," "The Irishman" - Scorsese is the master of the mobster genre. He utilizes this motif with the true story "Killers of the Flower Moon" where he introduces us to a new type of mobster - all the more deadly because they're suave, unassuming, and extremely heartless in their endeavor to be wealthy at the cost of countless Osage Native American lives. In the early 1900s the Osage nation was pushed out of their land and settled in Oklahoma, only to discover the land they moved to was filled with oil, making them the most wealthy people per capita during the time. The law required white guardians to manage their...

Pet Sematary: Bloodlines Starring Jackson White, Natalie Alyn Lind, Forrest Goodluck, Isabella Star LaBlanc Directed by Lindsey Anderson Beer You ever see a movie that, once it ended, you immediately forget everything you saw? Like as soon as the credits ended you stand up and think to yourself, "what was I just doing?" Now did you ever have that happen WHILE you were actually watching the movie? Like as you're sitting there watching it you're thinking to yourself, "I've been paying attention, but I have absolutely no idea what's going on?" Not like in a highly cerebral storyline that leaves you confused due to its impeccable and intelligent writing, but because the movie was so bland, boring, lifeless, and utterly nonexistent? Well, that's what "Pet Sematary: Bloodlines" was for me - a movie I forgot about while I was watching it, proving the tired saying that the film likes to say: "sometimes dead is better." In 1969, Jed Cr...

The Exorcist: Believer Starring Leslie Odom, Jr., Ann Dowd, Jennifer Nettles, Norbert Leo Butz Directed by David Gordon Green Back in 1973, a little film called "The Exorcist" hit theaters, and the results were nothing short of cinematic history. Audience members ran out in terror. Others threw up. Still others fainted. It was a phenomenon that was unseen in theaters until that point, and for the last fifty years they've been trying to re-create that same magic - to little to no effect. Now every exorcism movie is immediately compared to the OG, and unfairly or not, you can never compare something to greatness, because it will never measure up. The subsequent "Exorcist" sequels and prequels (with the exception of the third, which was serviceable at best) was completely devoid of anything that made the original a cinematic masterpiece. Now, in the hands of Blumhouse and David Gordon Green, they try once again to resurrect the franchise with "The Exorcist: Be...

V/H/S/85 Starring Freddy Rodriguez, James Ransone, Jordan Belfi, Chelsey Grant Directed by David Bruckner, Mike P. Nelson, Gigi Saul Guerrero, Natasha Kermani & Scott Derrickson The "V/H/S/" franchise is unique in that they're a series of short films that are connected by an overarching narrative that brings them all to a (sorta) cohesive whole. At least that was the original plan, but it seems as the films continue churning out this concept is lost in favor of just a series of short films by both acclaimed and up-and-coming directors that don't have a general theme - and that's perfectly fine. Seeing bite-sized horror from some directors we know and love and others that whet our appetite for something bigger from them, "V/H/S/" allows this freedom to develop. As it is with each film, there's some great shorts and some terrible, and others that fall in-between. Sadly "V/H/S/85" has more terrible and unmemorable ones as opposed to great,...