JoeMama's Movie Reviews

Ted 2 Starring Mark Wahlberg, Seth MacFarlane, Amanda Seyfried, Jessica Barth Directed by Seth MacFarlane The Story: Ted (Seth MacFarlane), the teddy bear owned by John (Mark Wahlberg) who was brought to life, has just married Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), and one year later the marriage isn't working well.  They decide to have a baby, but due to obvious complications, they have to adopt.  This brings to light that Ted is a property and not a human, so they can't adopt, and Ted loses everything.  Ted and John turn to young lawyer Samantha (Amanda Seyfried) to help make Ted a human in the eyes of the law, meanwhile they're being hunted by deranged janitor Donny (Giovanni Ribisi), who still wants a Ted of his very own. The Synopsis: The original "Ted" was a surprise hit, garnering over $200 million dollars.  Seth MacFarlane is one of today's most iconic comedic voices, creating "Family Guy" and "American Dad."  So how would "...

Jurassic World Starring Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Nick Robinson, Ty Simpkins Directed by Colin Trevorrow The Story: Twenty-two years after the failure of Jurassic Park, the InGen company has finally opened their new theme park - Jurassic World.  Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) is the park's operations manager, and attendance has been dwindling.  People aren't interested in being around live dinosaurs anymore, so she sets out to create a new type of dinosaur - more frightening, bigger, and more dangerous.  To this end, they create the Indominus Rex - a new type of dinosaur that's even bigger and deadlier than the T-Rex. Claire's nephews Zach (Nick Robinson) and Gray (Ty Simpkins) are sent to Jurassic World by their parents to spend time with Claire and to see the dinosaurs that young Gray is still enticed by.  After arriving, however, they're pawned off on Claire's assistant Zara (Katie McGrath), and quickly scamper off on their own. ...

Get Hard Starring Will Ferrell, Kevin Hart, Craig T. Nelson, Alison Brie Directed by Etan Cohen The Story: James King (Will Ferrell) is the epitome of high white class.  He's got a huge mansion with another one on the way, he's got a smoking hot fiancee (Alison Brie), and his future father-in-law Martin (Craig T. Nelson) just named him co-partner in his company. Then he's placed under arrest for fraud and embezzlement.  He's sentenced to ten years in prison, and is given thirty days to get his affairs in order.  James, who proclaims his innocence, turns to Darnell (Kevin Hart), his car washer who he mistakenly believes has been in jail, to train him how to make it on the inside. Darnell has no concept of what it's like to be in jail, but he needs James' money to expand his car washing business and move his family into a better neighborhood and better school for his young daughter, so he "trains" James in how to fight, speak and act towa...

The Last House on Cemetery Lane Starring Lee Bane, Georgina Blackledge, Tessa Wood, Vivien Bridson Directed by Andrew Jones The Story: John Davies (Lee Bane) is a horror movie screenwriter with a case of writers' block, so he stays at a big lonely house to gain some inspiration, but when he arrives he learns from the seller Mrs. Connelly (Tessa Wood) that there's another tenant, an old blind woman named Agnes (Vivien Bridson) who lives on the third floor. Despite this, John agrees to stay, and instantly meets neighbor Cassie (Georgina Blackledge), and the two develop a relationship.  Meanwhile, he remains blocked in his writing, but being haunted by mysterious dreams and having strange occurrences happen in the house makes him begin to wonder if there isn't another - more supernatural - guest in the house. The Synopsis: I both love and hate haunted house movies.  I love it when there's a bunch of people inside the house, and lots of scary stuff happenin...

The Pyramid Starring Ashley Hinshaw, Denis O'Hare, James Buckley, Chista Nicola Directed by Gregory Levasseur The Story: There is unrest in Cairo as a team of archaeologists have uncovered a hidden pyramid deep in the sands, one that predates even the Great Pyramids.  Reporter Sunni (Christa Nicola) and her cameraman Fitzie (James Buckley) are working with father/daughter archaeology team Nora (Ashley Hinshaw) and Miles (Denis O'Hare) to discover what secrets lie inside the pyramid. After sending in a robot, it mysteriously goes offline, which leads to the crew sneaking inside and investigating what happened.  They soon find themselves lost in the intricate labyrinth, and stalked by small creatures - and one huge one. The Synopsis: "The Pyramid" was lambasted as one of the worst films in a long time.  While I won't go that far, I will say it was pretty bad, but not as bad as most people make it out to be.  Maybe because I'm claustrophobic, so ...

The Houses October Built Starring Brandy Schaefer, Zack Andrews, Bobby Roe, Mikey Roe Directed by Bobby Roe The Story: Every October, thousands of haunted attractions open around the country.  For five thrill-seeking friends, they decide to document their adventures to different Halloween attractions in the hopes of finding the ultimate scare.  They of course get more than they bargained for. The Synopsis: Halloween is my second favorite holiday (behind Christmas - you know, gotta love the good and the bad), and I've always wanted to go to some haunted attractions, but never doing it because I realize that it's fake and that takes away from the fear aspect.  If I was younger, I might be scared, but I know I wouldn't be scared by them today. That's what drew me to this film.  Not only did they feature several real attractions, but also mixed in real interviews with people who have heard real horror stories at real attractions, such as accidental death...

Serena Starring Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Rhys Ifans, Toby Jones Directed by Susanne Bier The Story: In North Carolina in the late 1920s, George Pemberton (Bradley Cooper) is a successful businessman, focusing on the sale of timber.  He meets the mysterious, beautiful Serena (Jennifer Lawrence) and is instantly smitten by her.  After a whirlwind romance, they wed and she takes deep interest in his work, serving as his right hand (wo)man. George's fellow workers and partners are wary of Serena, and as the Sheriff (Toby Jones) closes in on George's shady business dealings, Serena fears her dreams of an extravagant life will never come to fruition, so she resorts to even darker means to protect George and her desires, enlisting the help of George's friend Galloway (Rhys Ifans) -a man who feels he owes Serena a debt - to do the dirty work.  However, as George begins to uncover his wife's true nature, he learns that the next target could be himself. ...