Dracula
Dracula
Starring Caleb Landry Jones, Christoph Waltz, Zoe Bleu, Matilda De Angelis
Directed by Luc Besson
Prince Vladimir of Wallachia (Caleb Landry Jones) and his wife Elisabeta (Zoe Bleu) are living the life of luxury in his castle when his land comes under attack by the Ottomans, and in the ensuing battle Elisabeta is murdered. Vladimir renounces his belief in God and becomes Dracula, a blood sucking vampire incapable of dying. For four hundred years he wanders the lands in search of his reincarnated bride, concocting a perfume that make women irresistible to him, turning some of them into vampires to serve as his agents to find his lost love, including Maria (Matilda de Angelis) who is captured by an unnamed Priest (Christoph Waltz) but not before discovering Elisabeta's reincarnated self, a woman named Mina Murray. Dracula goes to her in hopes of convincing her who she really is, while the Priest and his army try to track him down and kill him, thereby freeing everyone he's turned into a vampire.
I guess it'd be unfair to say this movie was terrible, because from the trailers I was expecting nothing less. It looked like a generic cash grab taking advantage of a well-known intellectual property and not even doing it well, relying on a tired story with less-than-B list actors (with one notable exception) that would be heavy on visuals but lacking cohesion, and for the most part I was right. I ended up giving it too much credit on the visuals, as the CGI and effects looked like something out of the early 2000s instead of 2025, with laughably bad CGI gargoyle creatures that turned Dracula into "Gru"cula (get it?). At a bloated runtime of over two hours, it only added to the annoyance sitting through it, but fortunately there was enough unintentional comedy to make it somewhat bearable.
The trailers seem to make you think "Dracula" will be a blood-soaked horror movie, but instead it's a love story that transcends time - if only you cared about the couple at all. Caleb Landry Jones isn't a household name, and this movie won't do him any favors, even though he does perform admirably as the titular character. Yet he doesn't have the charm, sophistication, or allure that others - including greats like Bela Lugosi or Gary Oldman - possess, rendering his Dracula as a minuscule, unimposing figure who looks like he could've been blown over by a light breeze. He even dons the same apparel that Oldman did in Coppola's version, and looks like he'll fall out of it in any second. He's not at all terrifying, and his swordsmanship has a lot to be desired. His epic quest to find his lost love is equally languishing, but also has one of the best comedic montages I've seen in awhile - he creates a perfume that turns women into ravenous horny hordes, and he uses that in several scenes to make them all dance...not with him, but in synchronized choreography numbers that looked like they stepped out of a "Step Up" movie.
His lost love is Elisabeta, played by Zoe Bleu, who is equally vapid. As Elisabeta she's a fierce woman who more than holds her own, but as Mina she's a timid, shy woman who far too easily falls for Dracula's charms, and also has her own unintentionally comedic scene. When Dracula appears in her window, she tells him to leave, and he heads for the door, but she tells him not to use the door because he'll be seen, so he goes to leave out the window but she stops him again because she's worried he's going to fall. There's so many eye rolling moments I was worried they would pop out of my sockets and roll down the theater floor.
The only A-list actor in this dreck is two-time Oscar winner Christoph Waltz as the unnamed Priest (an obvious Abraham Van Helsing, but I'm sure Beeson didn't have the rights to his name) who we first meet being drunk, and I think Waltz was perpetually drunk throughout the entire project - otherwise he'd realize the Z-list movie he was in and would immediately leave.
The effects are laughably bad, especially the gargoyle minions that Dracula creates to serve as his personal butlers, wandering the halls of his castle carrying trays of food and bowls for blood, and after a captive escapes on the icy lake outside, they attempt to grab him but one falls in, leaving the others to stand on the edge too afraid to meander their way in (despite some having wings and obviously capable of flight). The movie is also almost entirely bloodless, with swords going into people like butter on bread, and the costume designs seem to come from some abandoned church's play room where they used to put on plays during Jesus' time.
To say there's anything redeemable about this monstrosity would be giving it too much credit, but if you want to laugh out loud at the total ineptitude of the entire project - and you want to murder two hours of your life - then by all means watch "Dracula."
The Score: D-
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