Almost Human

Almost Human

Starring Graham Skipper, Josh Ethier, Vanessa Leigh, Susan Travers

Directed by Joe Begos

The Story:
In 1987, Seth (Graham Skipper) and his friend Rob encounter a blue light, and Rob disappears.  Seth races to his friend Mark's (Josh Ethier) house, where he and his girlfriend Jen (Vanessa Leigh) lives.  At first Mark is suspicious of Seth's claim, but then the power goes out and the blue light appears, and Mark disappears.

Two years later, Seth hasn't gotten over the incident, and Jen has moved on with a new home and new fiancee.  One day two hunters find Mark in the woods, but he's not the same.  As he makes his way back home, Mark is now more alien than human, and hopes to reunite with his former love and make her into who he is now.

The Synopsis:
There's a lot to make fun of with this film, so before I get to that, I'll discuss what was done right with this movie.

It's 79 minutes long.  There's eight minutes of closing credits, so at a very scant 71 minutes, the movie is very short and doesn't waste a lot of time.  Also, Joe Begos is a true aficionado of classic 80s horror, and the film has obvious homages to John Carpenter throughout, plus he uses no CGI in his effects, which is a throwback to the classic creature features with prosthetics and gore.  The film was done in love, but it nonetheless shows major flaws.

Now for the flaws.  I will do this in a series of multiple choice questions:
1. The film starts off with a placard saying this took place in southern Maine in 1987.  This means that:
a. The film actually is based entirely on real events and there's an army of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" aliens living among us
b. The film is extremely loosely based on real events, such as maybe people seeing a blue light or experiencing power outages
c.  The film has nothing to do with real events

If your answer is a, then you're a moron.  I tend to the option b, because I doubt they'd include this if it has nothing to do with any real life event.


2. You're outside chopping wood when a burly man with blood on his face and holding a gun comes toward you.  Do you...
a. Politely tell him this is private property and if he wanted to go hunting he'd have to go in the woods
b. Try to talk to the man and see what he wants
c. Run and/or find a weapon to defend yourself

Once again, if you answer a, then you're a moron.  And the man in the movie is a moron.

3. It's late at night and you hear a knock at the door, not expecting company.  You open the door to find said burly man with blood on his face at the door.  Do you...
a. Ask him who he is and what he wants
b. Slam the door in his face and call 911
c. Find a weapon and defend yourself
d. Options b & c

Oh, you chose option a again?  Well, you know the outcome to that.  The same as the guy who actually did that option in the movie.

4. You drive to the location where the final confrontation will be held, leaving your car door open, keys in the ignition, turned on.  You find a female survivor and tell her...
a. To run into the house
b. To run to the already running car where you can easily put it in reverse and get the heck out of there

You guessed it, the option picked is a.  Seriously, these people would fail a typical horror movie cliche quiz.

So apart from making fun of the film from start to finish, the actors are just as terrible as you'd expect.  As the main protagonist, Graham Skipper's Seth is a total enigma.  You know nothing about the guy, nor do you care to.  He's experienced nosebleeds since the events, so that should give a clue to something about him, right?  Eh, not really.  He just gets nosebleeds a lot for some reason we never know of.  Plus he looks like a grown-up Harry Potter with an awful scared look.

Josh Ethier serves as the antagonist in the film, the one the aliens have implanted to return to Earth two years later (with no real reason why it was two years) to infect the world.  Not that highly advanced aliens who could abduct people with ease couldn't just eradicate the planet with a press of a button or anything.  Plus Ethier looks a lot like the Brawny paper towel guy.

Finally there's whats-her-name, the heroine of the movie who...doesn't really do much.  She does have the classic Jamie Lee Curtis scene in the closet, plus a rather uncomfortable reunion with her old flame, but besides those things, I don't remember a thing about her, and I just finished the film a few minutes ago.

One final warning: do not watch this movie with headphones.  There's several shrieking scenes that, even seeing it on the television screen, almost popped out my eardrums.  If I had headphones in, I'd surely be deaf.

The Summary:
Even though he's a true fan of the horror genre, and did everything he could to make a decent film with a low budget, Joe Begos' "Almost Human" serves as a typical moronic outing with ill-defined characters.

The Score: C