JoeMama's Movie Reviews

The Bay Starring Kether Donohue, Christopher Denham, Kristen Connolly, Will Rogers Directed by Barry Levinson In a small town off the Chesapeake Bay, a Fourth of July celebration turns deadly as its citizens come under attack from an unknown parasite from the water, due to increased pollution from varying factors, especially a large amount of chicken manure laced with steroids. For young reporter Donna Thompson (Kether Donohue), a simple newscast on a celebration soon turns into the investigation of her life, as she tries to find out what is going on in this small town, along with doctors, police officers, victims, the CDC and marine biologists, as the film is shot entirely in a found-footage format, with the use of video cameras, surveillance tapes, police dash cams, and other recording devices. Directed by famed director Barry Levinson ("Sleepers," "Wag the Dog"), "The Bay" is one of the better found footage films in recent memory becaus...

Super Hybrid Starring Shannon Beckner, Oded Fehr, Ryan KEnnedy, Alden Adair Directed by Eric Valette Years after a car accident claimed the life of her sister, Tilda (Shannon Beckner) works in a car repair shop, led by the the over-ruling egotistical boss Ray (Oded Fehr).  She got her nephew Bobby (Ryan Kennedy) a job there, and even though the boss is annoying, it's not a bad gig.  Until one night they get a car that got mangled in an accident. Soon their fellow workers begin disappearing, and they discover the truth - the car is a squid-like monster that can shape shift into any type of car, and it has a thirst for human blood.  Now the survivors have to band together and find a way to destroy the monster car before it devours them all. Connections to the classic Stephen King film "Christine" can be made here, but this film has something "Christine" didn't - a horrible story.  How could there be an aquatic squid-like creature on land is on...

Amphibious Starring Janna Fassaert, Verdi Solaiman, Michael Pare Directed by Brian Yuzna While on some sort of fishing expedition, I think, a group of people come into contact with a gang of workers, one of whom is a young girl that has a psychic connection with an ancient underwater monster, or something like that.  She uses the creature to get revenge on her captors and the fishing expedition people try to help her as well.  Seriously, I have no clue what this film was about.  It was so boring, the plot went everywhere, and the lead actress had the worst lisp I've ever heard, so much I couldn't understand more than half the words she said.  The creature itself would do SyFy proud, and somehow they had enough budget to make it 3D, which was highly unnecessary.  Basically, this film can be summed up in five letters: A-V-O-I-D. Rating: F

Deer Crossing Starring Christopher Mann, K.J. Linhein, Tom Detrick, Doug Bradley Directed by Christian Grillo While on a trip to see her parents, Maggie (Laura Cottrel) and her young son Cole (Sebastian Banes) get in a car accident and are "rescued" by Lukas (K.J. Linhein), who resembles one of those "Duck Dynasty" guys only with an incredibly sick mean streak. Eight years go by, and Maggie's husband (who was already cheating on her) didn't seem to care at all about his missing family, in fact he's already moved on with a new woman.  Then, out of the blue, he gets a call from Cole, who is now much older and is wondering why the heck no one's been looking for them. The husband calls former detective Derrick (Christopher Mann), who is now taking care of his sickly wife, and doesn't care anymore about the case, until the wife dies on accident, then he's all on board.  So he travels to the town where the call came from and meets ...

Olympus Has Fallen Starring Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett Directed by Antoine Fuqua Mike Banning (Gerard Butler) was a former Secret Service agent who was the President's (Aaron Eckhart) right hand man, until a tragic night changed everything forever.  Now Banning is resigned to a desk job in the Treasury Department, and is stuck pushing papers, but he longs to once again help protect the President. He gets that chance when the White House is overtaken by terrorists, and the President is kept hostage.  He's the only person in the White House, and communicates with the acting President, House Speaker Trumbull (Morgan Freeman) through a secure line.  As the terrorist demands rise, tensions escalate, and one man has to go up against an army of terrorists to save not only the President, but his old friend. I'm surprised the film was released this early, it's clearly one of those summer blockbuster action films that everyone go...

Zombie Apocalypse Starring Ving Rhames, Taryn Manning, Johnny Pacar, Gary Weeks, Leslie-Anne Brandt  Directed by Nick Lyon Six months after a plague swept the world, bringing back the dead to life, a small band of survivors travel across America to Los Angeles in hopes of getting on a boat heading to Catalina, where a supposed safe zone is located.  As they travel through the dangerous road, they encounter hordes of zombies and even some zombie animals, which is the first time I've seen them in a movie.  Back when "Night of the Living Dead" came out, I'm sure a lot of people considered it pure garbage, a B-rated inexpensive nightmare of horrible acting and lame effects.  Now it's considered one of the best horror films ever, unleashing the eternal nightmare of the dead coming back to life, and made George A. Romero a household name all over the world. Unfortunately, I don't think "Zombie Apocalypse" will live up to that expectation d...

Rise of the Guardians   St arring Chi s Pine, Ale c Baldwin, Is la Fisher, Hugh Jackman Directed by P eter Ramsey   When we were children, we were young and innocent, and ready to believe in anything.  "Rise of the Guardians" tells the story of our childhood, the innocence that we once had, and shows us what it means to believe in the impossible. Jack Frost (Chris Pine) is on a road to self-discovery.  He's frustrated that no one believes in him, and therefore no one can see him.  For three hundred years he's roamed the earth, causing mischief and bringing fun to the children, while he himself feels totally alone. Meanwhile, the Guardians - consisting of North (Alec Baldwin), Tooth (Isla Fisher), Bunny (Hugh Jackman), and Sandy (the Sand Man, who doesn't have a voice) - are facing their greatest foe: Pitch (Jude Law), also known as the Boogeyman.  He too is tired of being ignored and not believed by the children, so he sets out to make h...

The Haunting of Whaley House Starring Stephanie Greco, Alex Arleo, Arielle Brachfeld, Lynn Lowry Directed by Jose Prendes Penny Abbott (Stephanie Greco) is a tour guide at the Whaley House, known for being the most haunted house in America.  Although she doesn't believe in ghosts herself, some tourists have encountered strange phenomena.  One night Penny and her friends decide to try the spirits for themselves by breaking into the house and conjuring up the spirits of the Whaley family.  However, they also summoned an evil spirit of a man who died at the house, and one-by-one they become victims of the house.  Psychic Keith (Howard McNair) tells them that a portal has been opened, and the Whaley spirits only want what's theirs - and it seems that they want Penny. Typically I love haunted house stories ("Grave Encounters," "The Amityville Horror," "The Haunting in Connecticut"), but this one fell a little flat for me.  There was not...

Lincoln    Starring Daniel Day-Lewis, Tommy Lee Jones, Sally Field, Joseph Gordon-Levitt Directed by Stephen Spielberg      The story of the sixteenth President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis) during the last few months of his life, as he deals with th e eventual end of the Civil War and, more importantly, the addition of the thirteenth amendment t o the Constitution which would effectively end slavery.  The amendm ent had p assed in the Senate, but it was more than likely to face defeat in the House d ue to Democratic opposition. I ha ve heard a lot of good things about this film, and I couldn't wa it to see it.  Anything involving D aniel Day-Lewis has to be stellar, because he is the G od of recent cinema, a man who could do no wrong.  He's the only male actor to ever win three B est Actor Oscars (his third for this film), and it's no surprise why - the man is such an iconic actor that he totally envelop...

A lien Dawn Starring Rachelle Dimaria, Alex B e ll, Michael Abruscato, Tiffany Adams Directed by N eil Johnson   For some unknown reason, aliens from Mars decide to attack Earth.  As the ir alien spaceships enter our atmosphere, they release pods that unleash giant tripod robots that go about destroying all the major cities in the world. Survivors Marissa (Rachelle Dimaria), and half-brothers Anders (Alex Bell) and Roger (Michael Abruscato) hide out in a storage unit-type area and pretty much spend most of the time b icker and arguing over what to do, as the aliens continue to dominate and slowly take over the world .  They finally decide to fight back with some ragtag bombs and guns, but will it be enough to destroy the invading al iens? "Alien Dawn" is a throwback to the classic cheesy alien invasion movies of the 50s , even going so far as to include the lame laser sounds taken from the original "War of the Wor lds."  While there's s...

Oz The Great and Powerful Starring James Franco, M ichelle Williams, Mila Kunis & Rachel Weisz Directed by Sam Raimi In this prequel to the beloved children's classic, we learn about how the mighty wizard of Oz made it to the magical land of Oz, and his first encounter with the evil Wicked Witch. The movie starts off with a half-screen sepia-toned visit to Kansas, where a traveling circus is in a small town.  Oz (James Franco) is nothing more than a wannabe great magician charlatan, who performs some simple magic tricks for the simple folk of the town, but is unable to do the great things, such as heal a girl who's been crippled. After escaping on a balloon from a couple of the freaks he's wronged in the circus, Oz encounters a tornado and freaks out, thinking he's going to die before he accomplishes anything great.  Instead, he's propelled into the land of Oz, and the screen becomes full and even fuller of color, a dazzling spectacl...